Everyday Jay News Update ...

It's that time again kids! Time for another Every Day Jay News Update! Done in the spirit of SNL's Weekend Update only funny!

Ha! I crack myself up. Anyway, you can listen using this cute widdle player that Talk Shoe provides free of charge. Or the player that shows up at the bottom of the post in Reader...

And, as always I've typed them up for the audio impaired...

Census figures show that the city of Detroit lost one resident every 22 minutes from 2001 through 2010. And that doesn't even count the ones who were murdered.

President Obama kicked off his reelection campaign today. Most of America responded by saying “Wait, you're still President? Really? We wondered where you went.”

Obama has been testing out new slogans for his 2012 reelection bid with “What the hell? You reelected Bush, right?”

One of his rejected slogans was “Better cling to God and guns a little harder, cause I want four more years.”

He finally settled on “Reelect Barack Obama! It's not like you have any better options.”

Gulf Shores, Alabama has outlawed the recreational use of Nitrous Oxide. A city councilman said that this was no laughing matter.

Tiger Woods has a new girlfriend. Her name is Elyse Johnston, who is 22 years old, grew up next to Tiger and used to draw him pictures in crayon as a child. Woody Allen thinks that's crossing the line.

Notre Dame women's basketball team stunned heavy favorite UConn in the women's final four. And all 17 people watching the game on TV.

Katie Couric might be leaving the CBS Evening News and wants to start up a new syndicated talk show. She says she wants the new show to be known for “smart conversation.” So, apparently she won't be the one hosting.

The city of Los Angeles received 231 applications to operate medical marijuana dispensaries. Unfortunately 35 had to be rejected because they couldn't secure a contract to sell munchies along with the pot.

Time To Bring The Funny ...

Well, it's Tuesday again kids. That means it's time for more monologue jokes that are more like Saturday Night Live “Weekend Update” type jokes. I know this is the highlight of your week here in the bloggerhood! And, as always if you read only in Reader you will see a player at the bottom where you can listen if you like. And I hope you like.

And, as usual, I will also post the jokes here for the audio impaired. Although, if you just read the jokes and don't listen to the two and half minute audio, then you're not getting the full effect and kind of missing out. But hey, if you want to miss out, then that's fine with me. I'm cool like that.

1. A New York state alcohol metabolism expert says hangovers get worse as drinkers age and cheap alcohol can lead to more intense morning-after discomfort. After that, he made other shocking revelations like “As people drink more, they have to pee more often.” And, “The more a person drinks, the more likely they are to go home with someone they'll regret going home with in the morning.”

2. Rocker Sammy Hagar says that he was abducted by aliens and they uploaded information from his brain. Yeah, don't do drugs kids. Just. Don't do drugs. See what happens? They're bad.

3. Rush Limbaugh mocked people who use Viagra on his radio show last week. After realizing the irony of that he went all in and mocked fat racists who are also drug addicts.

4. Billionaire investor Warren Buffett see lots of buying opportunities in Japan right now. He says it's good to get in while the markets are still shaky.

5. Congressman Peter King says that after his hearings on the radicalization of Muslims he is now one of the most popular people in the world and could run for Governor or Senator of New York. Charlie Sheen and Donald Trump think King has a bit of an ego problem.

6. Academy of Pediatrics have come out with new child car seat recommendations. They now say you should keep you kid in a car seat until the age of 2 and then in a booster up to the age of 12. Afterwords, you can simply wrap them in bubble wrap to protect them.

7. In further science news, some researchers at the University of Pittsburgh believe that red wine actually helps protect the body from radiation. If this is the case, and if drinking lots of red wine over time helps build up immunity to radiation then they can probably air lift me right down into the middle of the Fukushima Reactor without any protective clothing at all.

Hey-OOOOOOOOOOOOO! Remember to tip your waitress.

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In other entertainment news, I've been telling you for a while that if you weren't listening to “I'm With Stupid” then you were missing out. Well, now I have proof. “I'm With Stupid” has made it's way back onto the first page of the Comedy category on Blog Talk Radio...

Yup, there we are. Ranked 14^th. Not too bad. As you may recall, back in the early days of the show several years months ago, the show hit the top 5 a couple of times. Then, the show fell on hard times and struggled to get past page 3. But, being the Butler University* of the Internet Radio world, Matt-Man and I have kept plugging away and are climbing back towards the top. And we appreciate each and every one of you out there who have been listening and supporting. YOU GUYS ROCK!

*Butler University = Slow, White and Scrappy.

How 'Bout Some More Hey-OOOOOO's ...

Well kids, it's that time again! Time for some more monologue jokes which are more like Weekend Update on SNL type jokes. Or they seem so to me. BTW, did you guys watch Zach Gagalifanakis hosting SNL last week? Oh man, what a freaking snoozer that show was. I mean yeah, SNL has sucked for years, but good grief. That was the worst ever. Miley's hosting a week earlier was wayyyyyyyy better. Not even close.

Anyway, here is this week's installment of monologue jokes. As usual, the player won't show up in Google Reader, but there will be a player that does show up at the bottom of the post.

Hey-OOOOOOOOOOO!

And, for the audio impaired I will, as usual, type them out for you cause I'm a great guy like that.

1. Daylight Saving Time began this weekend which means that people in most parts of the US turned their clocks ahead one hour. Unless you're a republican in congress. In that case you already turned your clocks back 50 years.

2. Bob Dylan will be allowed to play concerts in China despite some worries that the Chinese govt wouldn't let him because of his anti-establishment songs. A spokesperson for the Chinese govt said “Nobody can understand a word he says anyway, so whatever.”

3. Japanese govt confirmed that one of their nuclear reactors experienced a meltdown over the weekend. The reactor in question this the Charlie Sheen 1 reactor.

4. I had a pizza joke I was going to do, but it's just too cheesy.

5. The White House forced State Department spokesperson P.J. Crowley to resign after he heavily criticized the government's treatment of Bradley Manning. President Obama said that there just isn't any place in government for someone THAT honest.

6. Charlie Sheen says that he has a “Tweet Master” who checks all of his tweets before they're posted. This is probably a good idea because otherwise people might start thinking that Sheen is crazy.

7. Mel Gibson was charged with misdemeanor battery last week. Gibson says that while disappointed, there are both positive and negative sides to this.

8. A study in Arizona found that 72% of shopping carts tested positive for fecal matter. A spokesman for Taco Bell angrily denied any responsibility and went on to say that the study was full of crap.

9. And finally, Sarah Palin said last week that the unions in Wisconsin needed to “tone down their violent rhetoric.” She then warned that if they don't, she'll have to target them and tell her followers to “take them out.”

So there ya go. Another week of non-stop hilarity!

Drive carefully everyone. Remember to tip your waitress.