Football Saturday Week 4 (I Think)...

I'm just barely getting my picks in before the games start.  So no time to entertain you with my fun and HIGHlarious stories this week. But, you DO still get the disclaimer...

*Disclaimer: I don't know what I'm talking about and have never and will never present myself as any kind of authority on either gambling or the game of football.  So, if you are such a desperate fucking degenerate that you will use the picks of some random, probably intoxicated guy on the blogosphere, then you deserve all the terrible things that happen to you in life.  Enjoy living in your van down by the river and dining on the yummy soup served every evening at the Salvation Army loser.

My pick in bold:

Alabama -7 @ Arkansas ... All I want from the Hogs today is for us NOT to get embarrassed.  Is that really too much to ask? Probably.

South Carolina +3 @ Auburn ... I guess I've been convinced that the Cocks really are good.  *sigh*

Oregon -12 @ Arizona St. ... My honorary alma mater just can't seem to get over the hump.  And WHY is ASU my honorary alma mater, you ask?


New Mexico +22 @ Kansas ... I've spent some time in Kansas.  Uh yeah, that's pretty much all I have to say about that place.

N.C. State + 7.5 @ Georgia Tech ... I guess that little slip up at Kansas was just some kind of crazy bad day for Tech.  We'll see.

Temple +13 @ Penn St. ... Penn St. is fine as long as they don't venture south of the Mason Dixon Line.

Oregon St. +16 @ Boise St. ... We're being sold a bill of goods on this game.  OSU isn't very good at all. They're only ranked to try to help ESPN/ABC market this game.


Okay, NFL picks ...

Cincy -3 @ Carolina ... This is a fucking gift.

Washington -4 @ St. Louis ... Vegas is handing out free money people!!

Oakland +4.5 @ Arizona ... Cardinals suck great big sweaty nasty balls.

Philly -2.4 @ Jacksonville ... We're all gonna be stinkin' rich after this week!

San Diego -5 @ Seattle ... Can I find another road favorite to cover? This is crazy.

I like San Diego's cheerleaders...



There you go.  They all seem so easy to pick.  Now watch me lose 'em all. Enjoy the games anyway.

And don't forget to listen to "Drunken Adventures and Hangovers" on "I'm With Stupid" Sunday morning at 11 am eastern time!  

Football Saturday Week 3...

So I went 5-2 last week on my college picks.  Oh okay, I'll give you the Michigan push and call it 4-2-1.  But, it should be pointed out that I read the wrong line on my super secret college odds site that I use and should have gotten either 3 or 3.5 on that game.  Whatever. Maybe I need to admit that I'm not young anymore and enlarge the freaking text? 

Anyway, that makes me 8-4-1 on the season.  I could pay the bills doing this.  Or blow it all at the strip club. It could go either way really.  Okay, you're right. I would blow my winnings at the strip club.  You guys know me so well.

What the hell, let's just get to the games, shall we?

*Disclaimer: I don't know what I'm talking about and have never and will never present myself as any kind of authority on either gambling or the game of football.  So, if you are such a desperate fucking degenerate that you will use the picks of some random, probably intoxicated guy on the blogosphere, then you deserve all the terrible things that happen to you in life.  Enjoy living in your van down by the river and dining on the yummy soup served every evening at the Salvation Army loser.

As usual, my pick in bold...

Arkansas +2 @ Georgia ... Georgia might suck.  It's kind of hard to tell.  The main reason I think they're pretty average is because they're ALWAYS pretty average.  But, no criticizing their coach St. Mark Richt allowed!  Anyway, I think we find out this weekend just what I'm fearing.  That the Arkansas defense is ever worse than people think it is.

Vandy +12 @ Ole Miss ... One of the basics in my fantasy football strategy has been to pick up pitchers who are stating against the Pittsburgh Pirates.  Especially if the Pirates are on the road.  I'm thinking that picking against Vandy, especially when they're on the road, might be the building blocks of my football betting strategy too. 

Sorry girls ...


East Carolina +20 @ Va Tech ... I know that Va Tech has something to prove after how terrible they've been the first two week.  But, after ECU showed us that they can score tons and tons of points in the first two games, they might have something to prove as twenty point underdogs too.

Tulsa +6.5 @ Oklahoma St ... I don't really know of Okie St. is any good or not.  I've heard Stillwater is a fun place to party though.

Texas -3 @ Texas Tech ... Another part of my clever plan this season is to wait and see which team ESPN's guys are desperately trying to convince us will be better or more competitive than we think.  I know that team will stink.

Mississippi St +7.5 @ LSU ... Yeah, I'm going with LSU again.  What the hell.


Okay, that's enough college games.  Last week I really stunk up the NFL picks. I went 1-4.  But, I always do.  Cause the NFL is kinda boring. But, Imma try it again this week...

New Orleans -5 @ San Francisco ... WHO DAT???


Houston -3 @ Washington ... I'm on the Texans bandwagon.  Way on it.

Chicago +7.5 @ Dallas ... *shrugs shoulders*

Philly -6 @ Detroit ... I picked up Mike Vick on my fantasy team.  I think I've talked myself into starting him even.  I know he's a scumbag, but this is fantasy football.  Character doesn't matter.

Okay, that's it gang.  Enjoy the games.  Or don't.

Football Saturday Week 2 ...

When I went to the UofA the football stadium only held around 42,000 people.  It holds around 76,000 now.  It also didn't have lights. That meant that every game played in Fayetteville had to start at 1:30 to make sure it was over before it got dark. The problem with this was that we had to start drinking pretty early and then try to maintain our level of drunkeness all day and into the night if we wanted to hit all the parties after the game.

Well, that's what most people did. Since I never got invited to any of those parties, I got to get drunk for the game, then go back to the dorm, hit dinner in the cafeteria and then take a nap before spending most of the night hanging out downstairs with the other outcasts  playing pool and ping-pong.  I think the thing that bothers me most about this was that I never got any good at either of those games. 

Jesus, what a fucking loser I am was.  I mean, instead of going out with all the cool people and partying and getting laid and all that fun shit, I was hanging out with dudes even lamer than Peter, Michael and Samir playing pool and ping pong and I never got any good at those games.  Damn, this is the most depressing post I've ever written.

Anyway, I went 4-2 last week.  Only Northwestern and LSU let me down.  I'll give Northwestern a pass because, what the hell, they're Northwestern.  But, LSU was pretty freaking annoying.  Yeah, I know that we have relearn that you can never underestimate Les Miles enough every year.  So, I guess I've now been reminded of the fact that nobody can turn a huge lead and easy blowout into a damn near and probably should have, loss better than he can.  Thanks for the reminder asshole.

But, a .667 winning percentage is about the best you can ever hope for anyway.  So, I'll be philosophical about it and and not be greedy or anything like that.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand on to this week's games:

*Disclaimer: I don't know what I'm talking about and have never and will never present myself as any kind of authority on either gambling or the game of football.  So, if you are such a desperate fucking degenerate that you will use the picks of some random, probably intoxicated guy on the blogosphere, then you deserve all the terrible things that happen to you in life.  Enjoy living in your van down by the river and dining on the yummy soup served every evening at the Salvation Army loser.

As always, my pick in bold...

Georgia Tech -12 @ Kansas ... I knew Kansas was going to be bad, but never realized they would be OMG IT'S SO DISGUSTINGLY HIDEOUS I CAN'T STAND TO LOOK AT FOR A SECOND LONGER bad.  And that's bad.

Memphis +13 @ East Carolina ... I don't really know much about East Carolina. Other than they're located in the eastern part of one of the Carolinas.  And they at least have this going for them...


Penn St. +12 @ Alabama ... Penn St has a true freshman starting at QB. I just saw Brent Musburger and others on ESPN tell me how this isn't just any freshman, this kid is special.  Yeah, just like you kept telling us how good Connecticut was last week? Pfffft .. Penn St. has no chance w/ a freshman QB on the road against Bama.

BYU -1 @ Air Force ... I'm riding the BYU train as far as it takes me baby.  I know I've made fun of BYU and Mormons in the past. But, they're suck nice Goddamn people that they keep winning and keep covering just for me!  I swear, I don't deserve their kindness.  Let's a have a party guys.  I'll bring the sodas if you order the pizza.  I know, lights out at 9 pm. 

Michigan +4 @ Notre Dame ... The dream dies early for the Irish.  But, I want you guys to know that this hurts me more than it hurts you.  Yeah, I didn't think you would believe that.

LSU -9.5 @ Vanderbilt ... What that? Was someone saying something about not trusting Les Miles? I HAVE A BAD SHORT TERM MEMORY PROBLEM.

Well, I was going to pick more than six games this week, but just can't find any more that I'm comfortable with.  Again, it seems obvious that Ohio State will pound Miami (Fla) into the dirt and cover the 8.5 points.  In fact, lets include that one .. Here I'll make it official

Miami (Fla) +8.5 @ Ohio St ... Yup, the Buckeyes are gonna stomp these guys. 


But wait! That's not all!  The NFL is back this week!!  So, how 'bout a few NFL picks.

Detroit +6 @ Chicago ... I don't know if Ndamukong Suh is the greatest defensive lineman in last 50 years or not.  But, if he will rip Jay Cutler's head off and drop kick it through the uprights he will have earned my undying love.  And a promise to never even be in the same state with such a scary guy.

Cleveland +3 @ Tampa Bay .. Holy shit, does this game really have to be played?  If you live in Tampa and don't have Direct TV the only thing you can hope for is that the game won't sell out and you won't have to watch the hideous Bucs play. Read a book, watch a movie, go to the beach do something people, don't punish yourself by watching this team play football.

Oh well, at least you have this going for you Tampa...


San Francisco -3 @ Seattle ... If you lived in either of these cities would you really spend a Sunday afternoon inside watching football or would you be out enjoying the amazing scenery around the area?  Or possibly be in a strip club getting lap dances from hot Asian chicks? Seems like there are better options in those cities.

San Diego -4.5 @ Kansas City ... I had something clever and funny to say about this game, but I suddenly thought about KC BBQ and now I'm hungry.

Miami -3 @ Buffalo ... How pissed do you think the Bills are that they have to host the Dolphins opening weekend instead of late in December when it's -59 degrees and there's seventeen feet of snow on the ground?  A lot, I bet.


Okay, so that's it for my picks this week.  Enjoy the games kids.  Hope your favorite team wins.  Well, not yours but everyone else.

Football Saturday Is Back!

It's college football season again kids!!  Are you as excited as I am? I knew you were.  Oh man it feels so good to have college football back.  I love it.  And I'm ready to sit back and watch football all day long on Saturday.  The first game starts at 11 am my time and the last game will end around 1:00 am.

I love that late game.  It's like a special extra treat after a great day of football.  I don't know if everyone gets this kind of deal.  But, here at 9:30 pm we can usually turn it over to FSN and catch a Pac-10 game which usually won't end until around 1 am.  That makes 14 straight hours of football. And sometimes, even if there isn't a Pac-10 game to catch and FSN is showing stoopid baseball, Versus will show late games out west.  Like this week it's Wisconsin vs UNLV.


Excellent!

And I make no apologies whatsoever for watching all of it. 

People have hobbies.  Some people play golf.  Some people run. Others love to do home repairs and/or gardening work on the weekends in the fall.  I watch college football.  And, some NFL too.  But, mostly I prefer the college game. 

So, I decided to bring back Football Saturdays and pick games against the spread again this year.  Next week, I'll add select NFL games also.

*Disclaimer: I don't know what I'm talking about and have never and will never present myself as any kind of authority on either gambling or the game of football.  So, if you are such a desperate fucking degenerate that you will use the picks of some random, probably intoxicated guy on the blogosphere, then you deserve all the terrible things that happen to you in life.  Enjoy living in your van down by the river and dining on the yummy soup served every evening at the Salvation Army loser.

Okay, it's not easy to make picks on opening weekend because we don't know much about the teams yet and so many of the better teams play cupcakes who they'll blow out but might not cover.  But, I think we can scrape up a few games worth making picks on.

Home team in caps, my pick in bold:

Northwestern -3 over VANDERBILT ... Holy crap! How many spoiled, over-privileged douche bags can fit on one football field?  We'll find out in this game.

OKLAHOMA ST. -14 over Washington St ... Stillwater is a long ways to travel to just to end up getting an ass whipping.  But, Washington St. is used to it, so it's okay

LSU -10 over North Carolina ... This game is actually being played in Atlanta.  It doesn't matter though.  They could play it in the country of Georgia and the results would be the same. 

Boise St -1 over VIRGINIA TECH ... This game is actually being played in D.C. What the hell? Doesn't anyone ever play at home anymore? They spend hundreds of millions of dollars on their damn stadiums and then they play "home" games somewhere else. Makes no fucking sense.  Also, I'm only picking Boise because everyone is slobbering all over them so much. I hope they get beat by 100 and everyone shuts the fuck up. I'm starting to hate Boise St.


College story...

When I was in college at Arkansas, they sold soft drinks in these 24 ounce plastic cups for like $17.37 or so.  Anyway, we would always get one because the tradition was that after Arkansas scored a TD we would throw the cups.  I know, it was silly, but whatever. 

Anyway, we were playing Tulsa and had them down and were just stomping on them.  The cups had been flying all over the place.  After Arkansas' 13th touchdown or so, I grabbed a cup, stood up tall and threw a perfect spiral from about the middle of the stands all the way to the Tulsa bench.  It landed right behind a player who turned around and looked at then looked up at the stands.

I'm pretty sure about 7,936 students stopped what they were doing and pointed at me and said "He did it!"  Okay, maybe not, but it felt like it.

The next week the school announced that they wouldn't tolerate any more cup throwing after Arkansas touchdowns.  And, that's how I killed an Arkansas Football tradition.


Okay, you know I just don't really like most games this week, so I'm not going to pick anymore.  The key to gambling (editor's note: Gambling is bad, mkay?) is to only pick the games you have a good feeling about.  Oh what the hell ...

NOTRE DAME -10 over Purdue ... Every year the "experts" try to tell me that Purdue is going to be "tough" or "scrappy" or "hard to beat" and every year they're shitty.  They're gonna be extra shitty this year.  I hope.

BYU -3 over Washington ... I really don't know if I have anymore Mormon jokes in me.  But, I promise to work on some and try them out as the year goes on.

Okay, that's really all I'm picking this week.  I mean, I'm pretty sure Missouri is going to cover 12 points against Illinois, but I also have reservations about the Tigers.  And I'm not picking THREE "neutral location" games.  Seriously, people. Play your home games at home so the students can go. Fuckers.

Solving College Football's Problems ...

Because you hate sports, and have told me so many times, I thought I would just throw this up on a Saturday. Also, I had nothing else to do because the college football season is over. *hits guide button on remote. clicks through channels. sighs*


And now, I shall solve the problem of determining a true national champion in college football.

University of Wisconsin Athletic Director Barry Alverez said last week that the Big 10, who has eleven schools, will make a major push at adding a twelfth school this summer. Why they didn't change their league name to The Enormous Eleven when the added Penn St, I'll never know.

Anyway, the speculation of course is that they will again try to get Notre Dame to join. I don't think Touchdown Jesus will do it. It would simply cost the program too much money. And, they don't like to share. So, here is my prediction of how this will work out:

Missouri will leave the Big 12 and become the 12th member of the Ginormous 12 Big 10.

The Pac 10 will realize that they can no longer remain a 10 team league and will have to expand also. They will offer Boise St. and Colorado the chance to join the league and both will accept.

This will mean that the Big 12 will now only have 10 schools. To fix this problem they will invite TCU and Arkansas to join. Both will accept.

The SEC will now need another school. They will invite Clemson to join. Clemson will say yes.

The ACC will now be one team short. So, they'll invite Louisville to join and they will accept. This will have the added bonus of pissing off the crybabies at Duke because it will mean another good basketball program to deal with.

This will cause some conferences to merge and others to just say "fuck it" and fold.

After all the moves, Congress will finally blow the BCS all to pieces and the NCAA will be forced to create a playoff system to determine a college football national champion. It will be an 8 team playoff. People will complain that there still needs to be a way to determine the eight teams that make the playoffs though and claim that the same arguments that everyone has now about who deserves to be in will still be around. The argument will just shift from "who deserves to be in the top two, to who deserves to be #8."

This is when someone will finally wake up and follow MY plan.

Eight 12 team conferences...

SEC
ACC
Big East
Pac-12
Prodigious 12 (formerly Big 10)
Colossal 12 (formerly Big 12. They change their name too, just to be cool.)
Conference USA* (a loose association of 12 schools across the country)
Tremendous 12** (a group of mostly western schools with inferiority complexes who always feel like the Pac-12 schools are looking down on them.)

Each conference will be broken into two 6 team divisions. (East/West, North/South, Blue/Grey, Shirts/Skins whatever) The winners of each division within each conference will play a conference championship game on what will be creatively named "Conference Championship Week" by ESPN. Maybe over two weekends, Friday nights and Saturdays, so that each game can be nationally televised.

Then, the winners of each conference are the eight teams that play in the National Championship Playoffs.

The teams that don't win their conferences will the play in the traditional bowl system. This way that thrilling Texas A&M/Georgia Avo Care V100 Independence Bowl can still be played in exciting and exotic Shreveport, Louisiana. And no, I'm NOT making up the name of that bowl game. Although I admit that the "St. Petersburg presented by Beef 'O Brady's" does sound like a good time too.

So there you have it folks. All of college football's problems solved. It's all very simple. I've created an actual eight team playoff to determine a national champion and preserved the current pathetic bowl system. Go me!



* Each of the service academies will join Conference USA because, HELLO? U-S-A, U-S-A, U-S-A!!!

** Notre Dame will join the Tremendous 12 conference because it will be full of schools like Idaho and San Jose State and they'll be easy to beat and be beholden to Notre Dame's money and prestige thus it will be easy for the Golden Domers to bully the league into doing whatever they want.