have a little faith

"Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step." -MLK JR

Earlier today, my mom was watching some old X-Files show. This episode was about this man who had "jerusalem syndrome" where he thought he was the devil and he was searching for this boy who had certain powers. Well it turned out he was being called for by the devil and the boy was like a reincarnation of Jesus. There were two detectives working on the case, one man and one woman. The woman believed that the boy was really "unhuman" and she believed in miracles while the man was not convinced. She said something really great about having faith. Faith is a questionable thing for me. In my heart, I have faith or I think I do. I really want to believe but sometimes I wonder if I really truely do. Things like believing in Santa Claus and ghosts. I hear things and things on tv that move so much to make me want to believe but there is still that little insecurity of doubt. I struggled most about faith when it came to church. Church. That word can be one scary word or one happy word. It means differently for every person. For me, I've been going on and off to church. When I mean off, I mean really off.

--------here's the story of my religious background:
My dad's side of the family is heavily Christian. My mom is heavily Buddhist. It was a spiritual clash from the start. I had gone to church freshman year again and was pretty into it but I started to loose faith when my youth group started to disseminate because we could not find a youth pastor and our teacher was becoming annoying. The only thing that kept me alive during church service and bible study was praise. Praise = singing. It was the only way I felt like I really had a faith in God. For a time, I started to really try to believe in the Bible (though I never really did read it) and God. I still believe in God. But I did not develop that overwhelming passion some kids did. It overwhelmed me. Some of my friends in youth group had such faith and such passion that it scared me. I wish I had that. I wish I could talk to God. I wish I could really believe with all my heart. But I didn't. And it scared me because I felt like it was so wrong not to. I tried praying but I never really grew up with that heavily Christian background that some kids did. My mom did not really support my brother and I going to church. My father was never a church goer. He believes in his spiritual revelation on Sundays by sweating it out on the field with his buddies playing soccer. I just really could not believe all the way through. The way some adults and some kids felt, it was just scary. Some times I was turned off by my teacher's teachings. I was turned off by how blind Christianity could be though I have nothing against it but there were somethings that I could not look over. I was just not ready to surrender my heart and soul to Jesus Christ. I am still young and still unsure about life. But I feel like one day I will be able to believe because I will know enough to believe in miracles far beyond science.

Hope you enjoy the Clazziquai song. I love Clazziquai.



---christina