So if you read
Mandy’s blog last week you saw that the
Nanny State is still working on protecting us from ourselves. So, I thought I would put together a list of ideas that Nanny Staters might consider next.
- Requiring everyone driving a car to keep both hands on the wheel, at 10 o’clock and 2 o’clock at all times.
- Limiting all soft drink cans and bottles to 8 oz and limit them to being sold in 4-packs with a limit of two 4-packs per person per week.
- If you want a double cheeseburger, the law will only allow you to get a small order of fries and a small soft drink. No milkshakes! You may get a single cheeseburger and a large (which is actually the size of a small these days) fries, but if you want bacon on that cheeseburger you can’t have fries at all.
- You can have either 2 tacos or 1 burrito. But, you can’t have both.
- You can only have 2 alcoholic drinks per week, and no more than 16 oz total.
- Women dancing in strip clubs will have to remain fully clothed and lap dances will now be outlawed.
- Gambling will be outlawed completely. If you so much as play one scratch off lottery game you are totally addicted to gambling and will lose everything.
- Things like potato chips and corn chips will have to be outlawed. Veggie chips will be the only thing available.
- Every person will be required to eat a healthy salad for lunch four days a week. Lo-cal and fat free dressing is all that will be available to have on your salads. And no bacon bits.
- Speaking of bacon. You can have only 3 slices of bacon a month.
- Smoking even one cigarette will result in a minimum six month prison sentence. With a second offense being two years.
- No sex outside of marriage at all. No exceptions. It’s just too dangerous.
- Married couples will be allowed to have sex up to four times a week, but no freaky stuff allowed. Here is the list of government approved sexual positions:
1. Missionary (this is the preferred position)
2. Doggie style
3. Side-by-Side
4. Girl on Top (or as the government calls it “reverse missionary”) This can only be done once per month though as some people believe it is “empowering” for women.
Also, 69 is allowed, but remember that any oral sex counts as one of your government allowed sexual encounters. So, don’t waste them.
Finger banging and mutual masturbation are unlimited, but must be done in your bedroom with the lights off.
The Shocker is banned.
Also, during all sexual relations women will remove their bras and men may not wear socks. Even in winter.
- Children will be required to be strapped into a car seat until they reach the age of 10. Then they will be wrapped in bubble wrap while riding in the back seat of the vehicle until they turn 18.
- Safety helmets must be warn while playing wiffle ball, nerf basketball, nerf football and flag football in the back yard.
- Only classical music will be allowed.
- The only clean and wholesome TV shows will be allowed to be broadcast in prime-time. Shows similar to “Ozzie and Harriet” and “Little House on the Prairie” will be allowed. All shows will have a father and mother, at least one son and at least one daughter and a family pet. The father will be gainfully employed while the mother takes care of the house and prepares the healthy meals made from organic foods only and limiting the intake of red meat. The children will be excelling is school and have excellent social skills. There will be no conflict and the children will remain virgins until marriage.
I know this doesn’t sound like much fun, but it’s for you own good. Remember, your government cares about you.
