Gambling Observances...

I’m a gambler.  I enjoy it a lot.  In my own mind I’m a wild, hard-drinking, big money betting gambler who drives a big fancy Cadillac and hangs out at the fanciest casinos with a hawt stripper by my side while I’m playing big money on the blackjack table or in the sports books.  Of course in reality I’m a super risk averse better who only plays the games that have the lowest house advantage.  But, I prefer to go with that first image of myself for my dreams. 

And, I am totally and completely convinced that I could make money off both playing blackjack and betting on sports.  I base this on my belief that I could be disciplined enough to leave the table when things aren’t going well and to only bet the games that I absolutely knew I was right about who would cover.  The fact that I have this vision of my super-disciplined self while I’m munching away on Nacho Cheese Doritos and throwing back 16 oz cans of Coors Light is completely irrelevant and I would prefer you not ruin for me thankyouverymuch.

Anyway, what brought all this on was my good friend Scott’s hilarious Gonzo-esque post earlier this week about one of his most dramatic gambling experiences.  I told him that it reminded me of two great gambling experiences of my own.  But, what’s different about my experiences is that I was only an observer for each of these.

Experience #1:  When I was in high school my mother and I went out to the local country club that she was still a member of for dinner and for her to sit and talk with some people we were meeting there.  That same night Arkansas was playing a basketball game against Nebraska. 

The game was very close throughout even though Arkansas had a much better team and was heavily favored.  I sat at a table with ST, who was a local business man and watched the game.  Late in the game Arkansas pulled away and opened a double digit lead and both ST and I were feeling good about things.  Nebraska hit a couple of late baskets and Arkansas committed a couple of turnovers which resulted in the Hogs winning by only 5. 

I was still pleased because Arkansas won.  ST, on the other hand wasn’t.  He got up, slammed his chair back against the table and angrily said “If you can’t cover why bother winning!” Then he stomped out of the room and kicked another chair on his way out.  It was then that I realized that he was watching the game for a far different reason than I was.

Experience #2 came in Vegas.  I was sitting in the sports book at the old Stardust, which doesn’t exist anymore watching The Chicago Bulls vs NJ Nets.  I didn’t have any money on this game, but had won a big bet* earlier in the evening on The Knicks victory over the Milwaukee Bucks.  At this point though I was just enjoying the free nachos and beer** and watching the Bulls game.

The Bulls were a 12 point favorite and had a 14 point lead with only a few seconds remaining.  The Nets had the ball and seemed to be content to let the clock run out.  With one second left a NJ player launched about a 40 foot jump shot.  As soon as he shot it about half the people in the sports book jumped to their feet yelling “NOOOOOOOOOOOOO”  …

Swish

The Bulls won by 11.  Everyone who had yelled “NO” collapsed back into their seats as if they had been waiting for their wife to give berth and had been told the baby didn’t make it.  They were destroyed.  I’ve never seen such a look of defeat on the face of any man before or since that moment.  I felt bad for them. 

Poor dumb bastards.




* By “big bet” I mean $20.  Which I later placed into a stripper’s g-string after a lap dance.  Which turned out to be another winning bet that I made that night.

** This was back in the days when Vegas could do no wrong and before the great financial collapse and recession of the last few years.  I think free food and drink at the sports books is impossible to find anymore.


Oh and my worst bet ever?  The $110 bet I placed on Arkansas in the 1995 NCAA championship game against UCLA.  To this day I’m convinced that I jinxed Arkansas with that bet. YOU GET NO CREDIT FOR THAT WIN UCLA!!  

The Government is Here to Protect You From Yourself ...

The state of Alabam has banned the wine Cycles Gladiator because there is a very offensive and pornographic print of a nekkid woman on the label. After giving this matter some very serious thought, I have decided that I will post a pic of the label here on my blog. Normally I don’t post shocking pics or pornographic images here on my blog. But, in this case I thought I should so you would know just how outrageous and disgusting this label is. If you are easily offended by gratuitous nudity, then I suggest you scroll down quickly and not look at the image below.

Anyway, here it is …


*GASP!*

Good thing they have banned that wine! The good people of Alabama are being protected from dirty pictures by their government. And, as an added bonus, they don’t have to worry that their children will see such offensive images either. Oh sure, they can turn on HBO on Sunday night and stare at Anna Paquin’s boobs and watch some vampire bury his fangs in Anna’s neck and then spit her own blood back into here mouth. (Or find those videos and screen caps on the internet.) That’s no big deal. But, an Art Nuevo print from around 1900 showing the side image of a nude woman? OH HELL NO!

Good job Alabama!


But wait, that’s not all!


The state of Delaware has been attempting to legalize sports books which would allow its citizens to bet on individual sporting events like college and pro football, basketball and whatever else. But, apparently there are people out there who think that gambling is bad and the government should protect all of the good, decent people from the temptation of putting $10 on the Patriots who are -2.5 this Friday at Washington. Easy fucking money!

Once again, I'm so glad we have our government here to protect us like this. I mean, we're all so weak and unable to handle things like 100 year old art neuvo prints of nude women not actually showing any of the goods. And we can't possibly stop from gambling away all of our earnings on that devil the NFL. Of course, we can have lotteries and bingo and both horse and dog racing. That's different!

But, you know I really love about these two things? You know all those "conservatives" out there who rant and rail about gov't intervention in our lives and the "Nanny State?" Well, when things like banning a wine label and prohibition against sports books and gambling come up, where are those people? They're nowhere to be found. Funny, how it's the "Nanny State" and all that shit until it's a "moral" issue to them, isn't it?

You know, fuck this bullshit. There are a couple of dozen people in this country who are incapable of reading the directions on a bottle of Tylenol, so they want to ban it altogether. There are people who can't handle their drink, so we should severely restrict access to alcohol. And there are people who are easily addicted to gambling so we have to denying EVERYONE the fun and games. And there are a group of very uptight, sexually repressed people who are aghast at the very thought of a naked body, let alone a drawing of one, so they decide to protect us all by banning the wine completely.

I say these people all need to put a few bucks on Chicago +1.5 @ Denver on Sunday night (more easy money), throw back a couple of cold ones, watch some dirty movies and stick a great big vibrator up their asses and loosen the hell up!