Voting is Fun!

So, I was out and about today, doing important things when I decided I would swing by The Fashion Center Mall and see how crowded it was at the early voting site.  The line wasn’t very long so it was time to get my Americanism on and make my vote heard. 

First of course I had to get past the Gatekeepers.  These are the crabby old ladies to who work the polls. (With apologies to Charlene, who works the polls in her town, but is neither crabby nor old.)  They take their job very seriously and they aren’t about to let anyone vote who isn’t allowed to by law.  So, I gave the old hag the nice grandmotherly lady my driver’s license which she scrutinized thoroughly and then begrudgingly happily told me to move on to the next table where I signed the paper guaranteeing that I’m me and was then escorted by Mr. Talky McChatterson over to the voting machine that would record my vote for whomever the company rigged it for so I could get impose my will on the government.

I get excited when I vote.  So, when I saw that the very first race on the ballot was the most difficult one to decide on I yelled out “Whoa, might as well get the hard one out of the way right off the bat.”  Then I said a short prayer, thought for a minute about what was best for my state and America and voted.  After that one, it was pretty easy.

Next came governor.  Then other state constitutional offices and I was off to the races.  I was alternating voting with my right and then left hand.  For attorney general I voted with my thumb just to be different while saying “BOOYAH!”.  If I had been in a closed booth I might have voted for state treasurer with my penis, but I didn’t feel like going to jail today, so I didn’t.  When I voted for city council I used my middle finger on my right hand because I wasn’t so much voting FOR one guy, but telling the other to “Fuck Off!” 

Folks, I was on a roll. 

When it came time to vote on the Wet/Dry issue (allowing the sale of alcoholic beverages) I took a step back, raised my right hand way into the air, stepped forcefully towards the machine, voted YES and yelled “CHEERS!”  Next it was sheriff, as I voted for the current sheriff to be re-elected I yelled out “Book ‘em Danno!!” (His name really is Danny) and then did a pirouette and a happy dance while voting for some guy with the rock ‘n roll sounding name of “Johnny Savage” for city alderman. 

The only thing left were the state referendums.  I did not hesitate to yell out “OH HAIL NO” to the amendment that would  change the states usury laws.  But, then give a thumbs up to a bond issuance measure. 

Then it was time to hit the “VOTE NOW” which I did with great satisfaction and a healthy amount of smugness.  After the vote was processed I did a little moonwalk out the door while I was being cheered on by other great Americans who were also there to make their voices heard.  

It’s not my style to pat myself on the back, but that was a masterful voting performance by me today.


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Speaking of the election, be sure to tune in this Sunday to “I’m With Stupid” at 11 am eastern time as we hold a Tea Party rally Matt and Jay style.  Plus there will be a very exclusive interview along with an extra special shout out to someone.  It’s gonna be a great show!  I hope you’ll join us.