Voting is Fun!

So, I was out and about today, doing important things when I decided I would swing by The Fashion Center Mall and see how crowded it was at the early voting site.  The line wasn’t very long so it was time to get my Americanism on and make my vote heard. 

First of course I had to get past the Gatekeepers.  These are the crabby old ladies to who work the polls. (With apologies to Charlene, who works the polls in her town, but is neither crabby nor old.)  They take their job very seriously and they aren’t about to let anyone vote who isn’t allowed to by law.  So, I gave the old hag the nice grandmotherly lady my driver’s license which she scrutinized thoroughly and then begrudgingly happily told me to move on to the next table where I signed the paper guaranteeing that I’m me and was then escorted by Mr. Talky McChatterson over to the voting machine that would record my vote for whomever the company rigged it for so I could get impose my will on the government.

I get excited when I vote.  So, when I saw that the very first race on the ballot was the most difficult one to decide on I yelled out “Whoa, might as well get the hard one out of the way right off the bat.”  Then I said a short prayer, thought for a minute about what was best for my state and America and voted.  After that one, it was pretty easy.

Next came governor.  Then other state constitutional offices and I was off to the races.  I was alternating voting with my right and then left hand.  For attorney general I voted with my thumb just to be different while saying “BOOYAH!”.  If I had been in a closed booth I might have voted for state treasurer with my penis, but I didn’t feel like going to jail today, so I didn’t.  When I voted for city council I used my middle finger on my right hand because I wasn’t so much voting FOR one guy, but telling the other to “Fuck Off!” 

Folks, I was on a roll. 

When it came time to vote on the Wet/Dry issue (allowing the sale of alcoholic beverages) I took a step back, raised my right hand way into the air, stepped forcefully towards the machine, voted YES and yelled “CHEERS!”  Next it was sheriff, as I voted for the current sheriff to be re-elected I yelled out “Book ‘em Danno!!” (His name really is Danny) and then did a pirouette and a happy dance while voting for some guy with the rock ‘n roll sounding name of “Johnny Savage” for city alderman. 

The only thing left were the state referendums.  I did not hesitate to yell out “OH HAIL NO” to the amendment that would  change the states usury laws.  But, then give a thumbs up to a bond issuance measure. 

Then it was time to hit the “VOTE NOW” which I did with great satisfaction and a healthy amount of smugness.  After the vote was processed I did a little moonwalk out the door while I was being cheered on by other great Americans who were also there to make their voices heard.  

It’s not my style to pat myself on the back, but that was a masterful voting performance by me today.


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Speaking of the election, be sure to tune in this Sunday to “I’m With Stupid” at 11 am eastern time as we hold a Tea Party rally Matt and Jay style.  Plus there will be a very exclusive interview along with an extra special shout out to someone.  It’s gonna be a great show!  I hope you’ll join us.

Athlete Dongs and My Attempt at Voting...

Over the past year there has been a rash of athlete dongs showing up on the internet.  Greg Oden, George Hill, Santonio Holmes and Visanthe Shiancoe have all showed off their "boys" on the internets.  Well, not really intentionally.  Oden, Hill and Holmes all sent their pics to women hoping to get a little action only to have those girls post the pics on the net.  Shiancoe just happened to be standing in the locker room naked when Fox Sports cameras were rolling.

Now people sending racy cell phone pics to others is a pretty common practice.  A practice I support 1000% and think should continue unabated.  The only problem I've had with these athlete dong pics is that they have made me feel really inadequate.  Well, they DID until Brett Favre's pics showed up on the net.  Now? I'm feeling much better about myself.

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I have a couple of pet-peeves that I just can't let go any longer.  The first one I tweeted about on Monday.  I don't know why people find postal codes so difficult.  I agree  that they're more difficult than time zones, but apparently time zones confuse the fuck out of a lot of people too.  But, if someone is writing a blog post, or worse, an article for a newspaper or magazine, there really isn't any excuse for getting the wrong postal code for a state.  Google is only a click away people.

But, I do want to clear this up.  Arkansas' postal code is AR.  Not AK (Alaska), AL (Alabama) or AZ (Arizona)

Okay, I can get the confusion with Alaska.  I mean, Arkansas does have a "K" in it.  But what the fuck is the deal with all the people who keep trying to use "AZ" for Arkansas?  I'm sorry, but there is no way someone can type or write "AZ" and think that would be Arkansas' postal code. It doesn't make any fucking sense. There is no "Z" in Arkansas.  Focus people!

Okay, here's my second one.  I've suddenly seen this one all over the place and I can't decide if it's stupidity or if it's the new "cool" way to do this.  But folks, when you are talking about rooting for your favorite team, say the Cowboys just for an example, please stop saying things like "I 'route' for my Cowboys whether they win or lose."

"Route" .. Really people?  You don't know the difference between "Root" and "Route?"  Oy vey!

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So mom decided to vote absentee this year.  At first she wasn't going to vote, but then she decided she wanted one more chance to vote "Yes" on the Wet/Dry issue.  So she requested and got an absentee ballot.  I told her when she was done to just give the sealed envelope to me and I would take it to the clerk's office and then go downstairs and vote early and get that done with.  Such a simple, yet brilliant plan right?

Well turning in her ballot was simple enough.  I did have to talk to someone I went to high school with and didn't really care if I ever saw again, but other than that, it was no problem.  Then I ran downstairs to the courthouse basement (where the jail was way back in the day) to vote.  But, there wasn't anyone there.  Then I remembered that last year they had moved early voting over to one of the multitude of empty buildings downtown so that nobody would have to deal with the stairs at the courthouse to get to the voting booth.  So, I headed over to the place across the street but when I got to the sidewalk I could see that there wasn't any voting going on over there either.

I then walked around the courthouse looking to see if there was a "Vote Here" sign in front of any of the buildings.  Nothing.  "Hmm,” I thought to myself.  Then I remembered reading in the paper that voting would be moved to one of the multitude of empty stores at the mall.  I remember thinking how smart that was because the mall is 98% empty and there is plenty of parking.

So I drove to the mall and when I walked in I realized there wasn't any voting going on there either.  Just old people walking laps and a couple of little demon spawn kids playing on the little indoor slide and play center.  I decided that since I was there I should walk a couple of laps.  I didn't want the trip to be a total waste.

Anyway, I drove home thinking about how much easier it would have to have just run back into the courthouse and ask the clerk where the early voting was.  But, I would have had to talk to my old high school classmate again, so it's probably best that I didn't.  After I got home I decided to look online to see if they listed early voting locations and they did!  It says the courthouse and the mall.

Needless to say I was a little miffed trying to figure out why nobody was there late Tuesday afternoon.  Then I looked at the dates again.  Starting Oct 18th.

Uhh .. Yeah, that's NEXT Monday.

Crap.

No Wasted Votes ...

First of all, everyone go over to my good friend Karen’s blog and congratulate her on her new job! It’s a great opportunity and she is pretty seriously excited about it, and with good reason.

Congrats Karen!!

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So did everyone watch that awesome Presidential debate Tuesday night? Wasn’t it great they way those two guys kept giving all of those substantive, intelligent answers? And the way they were so courageous telling people the truth, even if it hurt them politically? And how they totally refrained from taking pot shots at each other?

Yeah, me neither.

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Speaking of politics, and my good friends, Dana announced yesterday on her blog that she has decided to vote for Libertarian candidate Bob Barr.

I can see doing that. Given how much our government continues to intrude on our daily lives and how it continues to expand at a stunning rate, I can totally see people moving more and more towards Libertarian beliefs.

But, that’s not what this is about. What this is about is that many people called Dana’s vote “wasted." They argue that any vote for a candidate that isn’t a major party candidate or has no chance at all of winning is “wasted.” Dana said that since she lives in Illinois, and that Obama (or any Democrat for that matter) is going to that state so big, she figured any vote not for Obama is a “wasted” vote. But, if that were the case then wouldn’t ANY vote for ANY losing candidate be considered wasted?

So, I got to thinking about this idea of a wasted vote and I’ve come to the conclusion that there is no such thing as a wasted vote.

Yeah, I agree that a lot of people who aren’t really informed go out and vote anyway. And I agree that a lot of people who should vote, don’t. And yes, A LOT of people vote against their own self-interest all the time. And yes, most of them don’t really realize they are doing so. But, that is their right. And yes it's true that a lot of people are very susceptible to campaign propaganda and believe all kinds of silly bullshit and vote that way too. But, there isn't much that can be done about that either. And I admit that sometimes it drives me crazy when I hear people who I know don't believe the crap they are saying, claim they are gong to vote a certain way. And, some people are single issue voters. I don’t think that’s a great plan, but again, that’s what they believe so I respect that.

But, people vote the way they do for their own various reasons. They vote their politics, their values, their beliefs and their conscience.

We’ve all voted for lost causes many times. Whether it’s for President or going out to vote against a stupid local initiative that is clearly going to pass, but you just know it’s a terrible idea. Or to vote for something you think is the right thing to do, even if you know it’s going to lose. Hell, I even think it’s okay to leave parts of the ballot blank. I’ve done it a couple of times. There have been local or state races where I just found both or all candidates so despicable that I just didn’t bother with that race and voted on the other races. Here locally, they have a habit of lumping all the unopposed people into a “vote for one, vote for all” group. Since there is almost always at least one person in there I could never vote for, I leave that blank too.

So anyway, as long as people are voting for someone, and doing so because they honestly believe it’s the right thing to do, and they're completely (or at least mostly) comfortable with their choice, then I don’t think that vote has been wasted.