Joseph Smith: Prophet, Seer, Revelator, Tony Winner.

Great Article on the sweeping of the Tonys last night (best one in recent memory) by the Book of Mormon Musical. Many wonderful moments: Neal Patrick Harris was freaking incredible - opening number was superb (felt soooo sorry for Brooke Shields), his number with Hugh Jackman, that stunning closing wrap up of the entire show (holy shit!!!); Bumble Bee acceptance speech of darling-ness; Francis McDormand not giving a shit but caring a lot; and the walking through walls speech that left me speechless.

Gotta say though - nothing topped Trey Parker including their dearly departed co-writer, Joseph Smith, in his Best Musical acceptance. "You did it Joseph! You got the Tony!"

B.R.I.L.L.I.A.N.T.

Friday Video: Polygamist Gangsta Rap

Jump On In - The Water's Fine. I Promise.

Oh, Gawd...

LDS Church treats men and women as equals? Really?
Do I really need to comment on this? Didn't think so.

Random Answer To Random Moslem Question That Made Me Randomly Giggle

A friend forwarded me the following random comment from some random site by some random guy that calls himself RandomFerret.

I found it not-so-randomly funny.

No, Moslems don’t believe that Jesus was the messiah.

Think of it like a movie. The Torah is the first one, and the New Testament is the sequel. Then the Qu’ran comes out, and it retcons the last one like it never happened. There’s still Jesus, but he’s not the main character anymore, and the messiah hasn’t shown up yet,

Jews like the first movie but ignored the sequels, Christians think you need to watch the first two, but the third movie doesn’t count, Moslems think the third one was the best, and Mormons liked the second one so much they started writing fanfiction that doesn’t fit with ANY of the series canon.

Friday Video: Hitler Doing Home Teaching

Hitler Doing Home Teaching

Thing of Beauty.

Kitschy B-Film Festival: Plan 10 From Outer Space

"Just because he made it up, doesn't mean it's not true."


Okay, I had been wanting to watch the Mormon themed Sci-Fi film Plan 10 From Outer Space, by filmmaker Trent Harris, for a long time. How could I not after reading the back of the DVD cover?

It is Fellini on an Ed Wood budget. This sci-fi comedy is an outrageous concoction of sexual fantasy, conspiracy theory, and religious satire. It begins when Lucinda Hall deciphers a centuries old book penned by a mad Mormon prophet. In it's pages she discovers a diabolical plot hatched by Nehor, a peeved alien from the planet Kolob. As Lucinda frantically tries to uncover "the secret of the bees" she is sucked into a strange world filled with spacemen, polygamists and angels.

"Rocky Horror meets the Mormons." Cinefantastique Magazine

"Nancy Drew on Acid." Sundance Film Festival

First of all, I highly recommend watching this film in a room full of ex-Mormons, each with a glass of wine in them, which I did. But I have to warn you, if you do, you will hit pause and spin off into lengthy rants about the brain damage of your youth more times than you can count and it will take a ridiculously long time to get through it. But, it will be so worth it.

My favorite thing about truly kitschy B-movies is their oh-so-low production quality. The random horribleness of the costumes, hair and make-up, props, scenery, special effects... The worse they are, the more sublime. And this one didn't disappoint. Although, I gotta say, we were pretty impressed with the spaceship. Not kidding. It rocked.

It began on a high note with a couple fooling around in a car playing BYU's favorite game JUST THE TIP. From there it careened headlong into Peeping Tomfoolery, electric shock aversion therapy, seagull poop, cursed private parts, "hard, sweaty, nasty sex with angels", pioneer women in Go-Go cages, the Mormon Macarena and Karen Black singing a glorious love song / anthem to Kolob - all to a soundtrack that featured the harp with a delightful frequency.

Best lines:

"I'm an artist myself. I also have a motorcycle." Loved the kooky exhibitionist neighbor. Loved, him, loved him, loved him!

"Nehor's comin... OH, YEAH!" This should be mandatorily exclaimed in unison, with true Kool-Aid-esque enthusiasm, by every LDS seminary class studying the Book of Mormon.

"Our windows fuck each other." I blurted this out to my neighbors when I was a virginal young Mormon girl as well. Didn't we all?

The last three are my favorites and stand alone in such a beautifully perfect way, no comment is necessary.

"Your metaphors befoul the air."

"Oh, there's a Plan 10. And it's so horribly insidious it makes my butt quake."

"It makes the church look silly."

Plan 10 From Outer Space was a wild romp through the weirdest of the LDS teachings. Like Barbarella it utilized the beauty of spaceships, goofy double names "Larson Larson" [Pretty Pretty], weird sex and naked extras. But, unlike Barbarella, it left me wanting to boil my brain - which means it did it's job brilliantly.

Barbarella is still the clear Kitschy-B Festival winner - but Plan 10 gets a big fat A for putting Silliness under such an entertaining microscope.



Goodbye feet...

Favorite New Picture: We Will Go Down

This glorious moment of blasphemous irreverence brought to you by MormonGags.Com

Let them that are blessed with understanding, understand. Those that are not, just enjoy the juicy (probably bubblegum flavored) lip-gloss. It's funny. Trust me.

Brilliant

Once again, a freaking brilliant comment by Melinda:

"I don't know why so many Mormons feel threatened when something about the church is horrifying, mean, untrue, etc. I wonder why it doesn't bother my testimony at all. I think maybe its because I see the church the same way I see families... as a group of people who are trying and messing up all the time but making a little progress and doing a lot of good things with help from God. I guess some people see the church as something God is micromanaging and offering to the world rather than something a group of people are working out and offering to God (with his help of course--like families.)"

I guess some people see the church as something God is micromanaging and offering to the world rather than something a group of people are working out and offering to God. That line stopped me in my tracks. Oh Melinda, I have to say it again - this is why you're my very favorite Mormon and why I am so glad that they have you. Knowing that you are there just being yourself, and that there absolutely are Others Like You, gives me hope for, not just the evolution of the LDS church, but the evolution of all of us.

Hillbilly Proof

Okay so, big fat surprise, my Ex-Mormon Video caused a bit of a stir and gave several faithful and righteous individuals the opportunity to scold, judge, condemn me, and rip me apart. I was very careful to not bash the LDS church in any way but, rather, to share a mere 2 minute and 20 second snippet of a very long, very complicated personal life story. Have I bashed the church? Absolutely I have. Was I bashing it in that video? Nope. Not even close. That is not what that video series is about. Hell, they think that was bashing? They clearly didn’t read this blog during Prop 8.

All I did was state a few, very minor, things that had been my own personal experience growing up. I am stunned (but not really) at how many people came out swinging with, “No, you didn’t!” “No, they didn’t!” “No, we don’t!” “That’s not true!” I am “inaccurate” about my own experience? Excuse me, but how the hell do you know? Were you there? That’s like someone telling me that when they were little they were in a car accident and then, because that thought frightens me, having me scream at them that they are making it up, lying, deceived, crazy…

Whatever.

I stopped giving a shit about what The Hillbillies think of me a long time ago. I have a glorious life to live that they cannot comprehend in their wildest dreams.

[Note: I am NOT saying that Mormons are hillbillies. People are hillbillies if they behave and think like hillbillies and some of them happen to be Mormon. I am also not saying that people that hate me are hillbillies. People are welcome to hate me all they want – just, please, hate me for good and intelligent reasons. Little people have my permission to hate me. I have totally earned it.]

I was recently having a conversation with a friend who is a very active member of the LDS church. And she was complaining to me about how her fellow members react if anyone dares to voice that they are struggling or questioning their faith in the least little bit. That is probably the biggest issue that Ex-Mormons have with those that still believe. The moment there are questions, and those questions are voiced, doors are slammed. The moment one shares that a testimony has been rocked they are ostracized. One in a million members will actually say, “Wow, that must be so scary… How awful for you… I am so sorry, what can I do… I can’t even imagine what that would be like or what I would do…” The rest reject and label as dangerous and sinful faster than you can say CTR.

Do you have any idea how incredible it would be for someone who is struggling to hear those words? To have someone even try to understand? To have someone check their agenda at the door and listen for real, and empathize for real, about what is going on? About how terrifying it is? Because it is terrifying. More than they can imagine. And that is why they avoid us like the plague. They are so frightened of that happening to them that they bury their heads in self-righteous condemnation and hide behind the belief that we “obviously never really had a testimony to begin with.” Really? I never really had a testimony? Yes, I did. A BIG FAT ONE. The LDS church and my faith in God and Christ were absolutely everything to me. And that is what terrifies them so much. If I really can have a solid testimony and not do one thing to jeopardize it (ie: drink, have sex outside of marriage, look at porn, read anything that even smells anti-Mormon, stop paying tithing…) then they can too. And that thought is inconceivable and cannot, will not, be tolerated. Therefore, I am a liar and they are truth bearers. I am deceived and they are enlightened. I am to be pitied and corrected and they are just the ones to do it.

Whatever.

God, just imagine what they’re going to say when Dancing With Crazy is released. The shit is going to hit the fan. And, again, I will be a crazy, pathetic, misguided, dangerous, truth-impaired woman.

Whatever.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. They will never understand – I’m not even going to try and make them. It doesn’t matter to me. They don’t matter to me. The earth is not flat and I am done eating the vomit.

Actually the only comments that didn’t make me throw my head back laughing were the variations of “Well, let’s just see how things are for her in the next life.” Really??? You know how things are going to be for me in the next life??? You know my heart??? You know why I am on this planet better than I do??? You know the relationship I have with my Creator??? Are you really that arrogant? You actually have the audacity to sit back and smugly judge what my experience has been while I’ve been in this body and what it will be like when I am out of it???

Whatever.

In Case You Hadn't Heard - Because I'm So Shy And Quiet About It...

(The frozen expression on my face totally makes me giggle.)

Check out the official website: I Am An Ex-Mormon.

Searching For The Difference

I've been doing a bit of research lately on the effects of childhood sexual abuse. The internal wreckage that is left for the victim to spend a lifetime cleaning up is enormous and affects nearly every aspect of the survivors life. I came across a list of some of the lasting effects. They include:

Anxiety
Fear
Shame
A sense of inadequacy
Anxiety
A lasting perception of self as victim
Identification with the aggressor
Loss of opportunity to normally play and learn
The opportunity for normal growth and development
Lack of self esteem and self worth
Trust issues
Intimacy issues
Lack of control over his/her body
Loss of normal loving and nurturing
Lack of safety and security

As I read this list one thing that really struck me was how incredibly similar the lasting effects of sexual abuse are to the lasting effects of, what I consider to be, abusive religious teachings about sex - in particular the Mormon Church's teachings (or similar teachings of any conservative religion) about homosexuality.

I vividly remember how my virginal little self felt about sex after all the squeezed out orange object lessons in Young Women's; all the Standards Night / Law of Chastity firesides; and all the Don't Dry Hump Sunday School lessons taught by bishops to kick off every new semester at BYU. Every attempt at making me abstain from pre-marital sex also instilled me with dread, fear, shame, guilt and I had never even come close to being petted - let alone poked. I read over the above list and identified several issues that I had to work hard to overcome that were a direct result of what I was taught in church.

How much worse is it for gay kids growing up with those lessons? Exponentially. They get the same guilt, fear and shame instilled but they also get pummeled with the "unnatural, sinful, vile, perverse, against the laws of heaven" bullshit. How much more crippling is it for them? How much harder do they have to work to be sexually healed and whole? I would venture to say that a gay Mormon could check off every item on that list.

Emotional and Spiritual SEXUAL ABUSE. The methods may be different, but the effects and fall out are frighteningly similar.

So, is there really a difference between Boyd K. Packer sexually crippling young gays from the pulpit and Uncle B. Pervy sexually crippling young children in the basement?

You tell me.

* * *
Related Posts:
Battle Cries Of The Sexually Dysfunctional: Part I
Battle Cries Of The Sexually Dysfunctional: Part II
Free Love

18, Clueless And Baby Hungry

Okay, so part of me thinks this is funny. Generally speaking, the mocking of anything BYU brightens my day right up. And this targets BYU co-eds. Even better. There are some great lines - "We'd marry a tree as long as it served a mission" being my personal favorite.

The other part of me, however, started watching and immediately felt the familiar burning and itching sensation I get when I come in contact with anything Provo related.

This video is funny because it is true. And it is sad for that very same reason.

When I got married, at the ripe old age of 25 (nearly an Old Maid by LDS standards) I audited a dance class at The "Y." The class was, of course, filled with girls ages 18 - 21 years old. One day I was sitting around with a couple of the girl's in my class and somehow my age came up. Both of their heads shot up and they looked at me with wide eyes.

Girl #1: "Wow, I hope I look as good as you do when I'm your age."

Girl #2: "Oh my gosh, you just gave me so much hope. I am graduating in a few months and have been so upset that I'm not married yet. If you just got married and you're 25, that means that I still have a chance."

She was 21 years old. Barf.

Even then, being the Super Mormon that I was, I was stunned. I didn't even know what to say to them. But, I sure as hell do now. Those girls are responsible for the speech I gave my cousins when they were in high school and have given BOTH of my kids ad nauseum. It goes something like this:

Don't you DARE get married until you are at least (1) 25 years old (though I would prefer 35), have (2) Gotten an education (3) Have a viable way of supporting yourself, and have (4) Have traveled the world. You cannot possibly give yourself to someone until you know who that someone is you are giving. And the same goes for the person you are considering marrying. DO NOT permanently bind yourself to another person until you BOTH have a solid idea of who you are and what you really want out of life.

Argh. When we're young we just don't get it. We don't listen. We think we know it all. And then one day, BAM! We get it. And we wish we would have listened.

The following poem, written by my mother, is one of my absolute favorites. I wish that having this memorized and recited 5 times a day was a pre-requisite for graduation from The "Y." It would make for much happier marriages and families.

On Nest Building

Mud is not bad for nest building.
Mud and sticks
And a fallen feather or two will do
And require no reaching.
I could rest there, with my tiny ones,
Sound for a season, at least.

But –
If I may fly awhile –
If I may cut through a sunset going out
And rainbow coming back,
Color upon color sealed in my eyes –
If I may have the unboundaried skies
For my study,
Clouds, cities, rivers for my rooms –
If I may search the centuries
For melody and meaning –
If I may try for the sun –

I shall come back
Bearing such beauties
Gleaned from God’s and man’s very best
I shall come filled.

And then –
Oh, the nest I can build!

Baby Step In The Right Direction

FYI: Updated LDS Handbook Softens Language on Gays.

I Couldn't Have Said It Better - Which Is Probably Why I Didn't

I recently came across this blog post by Laura Compton on the Mormons For Marriage website. I thought it was incredibly lovely and deserved sharing. Like warm pie. Enjoy.

Why Would God Allow His Children To Be Born Homosexual?

This question was posed at General Conference Sunday morning: “Why would God allow his children to be born homosexual?”

Why would God allow his children to be born poor? or right-handed? or green-eyed? or Mormon? or Jewish? or Muslim? or rich?

Maybe it doesn’t matter. Maybe, just maybe, God loves us, no matter how, where or when we are born.

Maybe, possibly, the only reason we think being born gay is a problem is because we “see through a glass darkly” and don’t understand the mind and will of God.

Maybe what matters more than what we are when we are born is what we are after we’ve lived our lives. Have we tried to know and understand those who are unlike ourselves? Have we fed and clothed the hungry and naked? Have we cast out the beams from our own eyes and repented of our misdeeds and shortcomings? Have we visited the lonely? Have we spoken up for those who cannot speak?

We all begin life innocently. We fill our lives with meaning and leave legacies. What will your legacy be? How will your friends and family remember you? Will they remember you first for being homosexual or for being kind? For being heterosexual or for being sincere? For being bisexual or for being considerate? For being formerly gay or for being thoughtful?

Why would God allow his children to be born homosexual? Because God loves all his children, none is better – or worse – than another.

“And God saw everything that he had made, and indeed, it was very good.”

Sharing The Love

(Photo by brother and friend of my Juiceman. Bless them!)

HRC & Utah Leaders Deliver 150K Petitions to Mormon Church

Friday Video: Mrs. Betty Bowers - Less Is Mormon!

Don't Eat That - It's Icky

Yesterday was General Conference for the LDS church. Yesterday Elder Boyd K. Packer got up and spewed out the same old, out dated, ignorant and hateful vomit that he and countless others have been poisoning all-who-will-listen with for decades upon decades.

And we are eating it up.

We are ranting and raving on Facebook and blogs and emails. We are outraged. We are crying for change. Seriously? Change? This is BOYD K. PACKER we’re talking about. Guys, the man ain’t gonna change. EVER. We’ll see giant nipples on Mt Rushmore before we see a change in Packer’s attitude about anything – let alone homosexuality. Why are we even surprised? It’s not like this is his first time at a pulpit. We knew there would be some kind of fall out from Marlon Jensen having the audacity to actually state publicly that he was sorry for the pain caused to gays and their families by Prop 8. I can only imagine what was said to him behind closed doors by Packer and Monson. Of course something had to be done and Packer was just the man to do it.

Isn’t the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over expecting different results? Conference comes twice a year – like clockwork. The same men get up and say the same things. Why the hell are we surprised? Why do we keep expecting them to change? They are not going to – we are the crazy ones for expecting them to.

We want change? Well then what the hell are we going to DO about it? May I make a few suggestions?

(1) Stop being surprised at anything said by the leaders of the Mormon Church. And stop eating up what they say – even if it’s to rant and rave. Remember that cute little story I posted a while ago about the woman in an eating disorders clinic that kept throwing up, baking and re-eating her own vomit? Do I really need to say more? Stop eating The Brethren’s old vomit. It doesn’t taste good.

(2) Stop being victims. Stop begging for their approval. Stop thinking that their validation is needed for ANYTHING. It’s not. For those of us that truly believe that they are just some old men doing their jobs, and not very well, stop hanging on any word they say at all. If you start to feel the old fear and intimidation creep in, wave your magic wand and repeat after me: “You have no power here. Be gone – before someone drops a house on you!” And then smack them in the head with your ruby slippers.

(3) Walk away. For God’s sake, if you are among those that no longer believe I beg of you have your name removed from the records of the church. It will have more of an impact on your mental and emotional health than you know. And it sends a much needed message. Once you have walked away, don’t look back. Go. Be free. Live a happy life in the sunshine.

(4) If your soul feels called to make a difference for the gay kids still being harmed by the church they are trapped in then do so from a place of strength and power. Reach out. Be a role model. Give them enough love to carry them to a place where they can one day choose healing and not death. You want to speak out? Great. Be noisy for the kids. But, again, do it from a place of authority and power NOT smallness and neediness.

(5) If you are gay, COME OUT, COME OUT, COME OUT!!! Stop hiding. Your presence in this world as a wonderful gay person is part of the solution.

Guys, it’s just plain old time to be bigger than they are. Their fear and ignorance are getting in the way of them being the love that the Jesus they believe in taught them to be. Be bigger. Be better. Be happier. Be the change you want to see in the world. Laugh more. Love more.

And, above all else – stop eating the vomit. I beg of you.

Sure To Offend