Friday Video: Polygamist Gangsta Rap

Mark Twain's Big Take On Big Love

I had never read the entire statement written by Mark Twain about the early Mormon polygamists until a friend sent it to me the other day. Thing o' beauty. Pun intended.

Our stay in Salt Lake City amounted to only two days, and therefore we had no time to make the customary inquisition into the workings of polygamy and get up the usual statistics and deductions preparatory to calling the attention of the nation at large once more to the matter.

I had the will to do it. With the gushing self-sufficiency of youth I was feverish to plunge in headlong and achieve a great reform here—until I saw the Mormon women. Then I was touched. My heart was wiser than my head. It warmed toward these poor, ungainly and pathetically "homely" creatures, and as I turned to hide the generous moisture in my eyes, I said, "No--the man that marries one of them has done an act of Christian charity which entitles him to the kindly applause of mankind, not their harsh censure--and the man that marries sixty of them has done a deed of open-handed generosity so sublime that the nations should stand uncovered in his presence and worship in silence.

It's The Story Of A Lovely Lady

For as much as I loathe the concept of polygamy, it is amazing how many times I hear myself say, "God, I need a wife." I used to joke about it when I was married but now that I am a one woman show - providing for my children emotionally & financially, running a house & earning a living all on my own - I say it with increasing frequency.

My mom and I were talking about the concept of tribes and how, historically, the human race lived in tribes for hundreds of years. Groups of people, friends and family, lived and worked together doing all that needed to be done for the welfare of the group. I'm sure there were drawbacks to that - there are many people in my life that I would vote off of Tribe Island in a heart beat. But in many ways it would be so nice and could work so well. Now we have our little encapsulated nuclear families and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't - especially for us single parents.

It does take a village to raise a child and to support the family unit. I really don't think that we are made to go it alone - not as families and certainly not as parents. I know that I'm not built to do all that I do alone. I have amazing friends but everyone is busy and swamped in their own lives. And no one really has the tribe mentality these days even though it could make life so much easier, more productive and happier for so many people. I am still not giving up on finding my perfect male counterpart to share life with but, in the meantime, it sure would be nice to have a wife.

Okay, I guess not a wife. I need an assistant. A maid. I need... an Alice. I need the backbone of the Brady's to move into my house and live in her room just off the kitchen. I need her to clean and shop and cook and drive kids around and always be there and give a shit about what happens in our lives every day. Plus, in my home, Alice would also be a masseuse. Ah... a massaging maid. Now we're talking.

Dancing With Crazy Teaser

Okay, since I am sans HBO, I watched "Big Love" at my friends house just now. I expected to see it, hoot-n-holler and then come home and write a jaunty little post about what I saw and thought and what they did. I also expected to throw in some sensitivity to the TBMs because of how it must have felt to have something so sacred blah, blah, blah...

None of that's gonna happen today. I am furious and disturbed and, above all else, bugged beyond belief that Dancing With Crazy isn't out yet to help you all understand why I can, and do, rant and rave about the Mormon Church and polygamy as passionately as I rant and rave about the Mormon Church and homosexuality. I don't want to give away a big juicy chunk of my book so I will just say that once DWC is in stores, and you have all had the chance to read it, I will blog a big blog that will link back to this one to remind you of what was put on hold and you will say, "Ah yes, now we understand," and "Holy shit, Pearson!"

For now I will take deep breaths, scream into my pillow for a while and return to my porn post in progress.

Oh yeah, and scramble like mad to get my hands on every previous and brilliant Big Lovin' episode.

The Milli Vanilli Of Colorado City

Speaking of polygamy, many moons ago I queried as to whether any of you knew about Uncle Pervy Warren Jeffs supposedly only allowing his flock to listen to recordings of him singing hymns for entertainment. I finally got my answer yesterday and it is just so much more delicious than I'd hoped for.

I dragged myself out of my sickbed for a Facing East meeting with my co-producers, one of whom is Juiceman who is in the process of editing his latest film Sons of Perdition - a documentary about polygamy's exiled youth. The kids had mentioned on several occasions that Warren Jeffs was, surprisingly, a really good song writer so, of course, Juiceman asked to hear some of the songs that he had written. One of the kids gave him an ipod and he found himself listening to the sweetly warbling voice of Warren Jeffs singing his very own greatest hits.

First song starts, played on Wal-Mart's cheapest keyboard: "Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy. Sunshine in my eyes can make me cry. Sunshine on the water looks so lovely..."

Second song, even cheaper keyboard: "How many roads must a man walk down before they call him a man?"

Oh, yeah - Warren Jeffs forbade his followers from listening to outside music then recorded the songs of Bob Dylan, John Denver and other of the music industry's heaviest hitters and passed them off as his own!!! Joseph Smith pilfered the Mason's Greatest Temple Ceremony Hits and Brother Warren purloined The Best of Bruce Springsteen. Seems about right.

Juicy Juice forwarded me the recordings and I wish I was computer savvy enough to share them with you. One can only assume that one has died and gone to comedy heaven when one hears that disturbingly not terrible voice singing, "Howa many rowads must a mana walk down, befora youa call him a man..."

No wonder he had so many wives - they thought he was freaking Bob Dylan! If all the other charges don't stick maybe they can at least get him on copyright infringement.