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Billy Nozzblop Day
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1.
Once upon a time, I received a delivery. It was a pink poinsettia plant from a friend of mine. It was pleasant, especially since it was christmas. I put it on the kitchen counter where its pleasant blooms were illuminated by the pleasant afternoon sun. Some few weeks later, I got a phonecall. As I spewed inconsequential blather, I was staring at a small golden pebble on the counter underneath the poinsettia plant. How unusual. I picked it up and looked closer - it had a spiral on it. I turned it over in my fingers and there was a hole on the bottom. Shiny pinkish flesh was trembling inside. "Oh my god it's a tiny snail," I yelled. I put it on one of my bonsais and watched its tiny head slowly reveal itself. Then its tiny black eyestalks poked out one by one and it immediately began exploring... The next day, I went to see after it but it was gone. I searched every bonsai I had, the table they were one, and the floor. Nothing. I sat on the floor in the pleasant afternoon sun, totally despondent. And then there it was, stuck to one of the decorative pillows littering the floor. I picked it up; it was stuffed in its shell, glistening and still trembling. I could only imagine the traumatic night it had had, like falling off the bonsai, bouncing off the plastic dish with a "TICK!", then hitting the metal table with a "TINK!" and finally landing on the pillow, "PFFfblop".... Billy fell into my life...several times.
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2. I spent the next months obsessed with it. I named him Billy Nozzblop, while technically like all land snails he is a hermaphrodite. He just looked like a "Billy". I carefully constructed a terrarium with moss, rocks, wet sea sponges for humidity, and fed him lettuce, cucumber, peas, tomatoes, cuttlebone for calcium and oatmeal. He spent the majority of winter sleeping in his shell. When it got warmer, he spent his days gourging himself, exploring, shitting everywhere and dozing underneath his favorite sponge. Here is Billy obviously being exhalted by Jesus:
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3. By chance I found a photograph of an amber snail (Succinea putris) on the internet, and it looked exactly like Billy. Being able to identify him finally was very exciting for me. I learned he is from southern England and lives by pete bogs. He no doubt got imported in pete bog bricks shipped to US greenhouses, then to the poinsettia plant, and finally to my kitchen counter. I transformed his home, now fittingly dubbed The Billarium, into more of a swamp with thick pete and moss and water. He has trippled in size since December.
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4. He is so elegant, gentle and delicately perfect. Sometimes, when he is oozing along, he stops and lifts up his head and looks all around, stretching his neck. His little mouth goes "oooo" and his tongue tastes the air...then he continues oozing along. He has also chewed tunnels through the sponges and dozes inside of them. Sometimes he can't help but stop and nap for 15 minutes in the middle of oozing about. He stops, brings his eyestalks into his face and pulls his shell over them like a convertible closing its top while his slimy posterior hangs out the back. I am often misting his home, and he sees me when I come to do so. He pulls his black eyestalks in and his black feelers in so his face looks like a :: , kind of like the "4" on dice. This has resulted in me calling him "dice-face billy". He doesn't like water landing on his facial parts apparently. hahaha.
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5. My obsession with Billy Nozzblop has begun infecting my art brain, and I started drawing snails all the time. I imagined him getting an agent, an acting coach, being the head of a giant corporation, and releasing several albums and spy novels.
For example: June 1, 2006
William p. Nozzblop, founder and CEO of Billy™ Brand Industries, Inc. has grown 0.7 millimeters in the last month.*
Thank you.
*This special announcement was brought to you by Billy™ Brand Industries, Inc., the makers of:
Billy™'s cucumber gel toothpaste™
Billy™'s sweetened calcium chews™
"Billy...?"™ cologne for men
Billy™'s Life Lubricant™ mucus for adults
Billy™ Brand tripple-churned flavored garlic butters™
Billy™'s barnacle art glue™
and Billy™'s Barbeque grill set™ for kids
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6. Being a snail of distinction, Billy Nozzblop must have a rich history of famous foresnails. I began to draw them, and continue to do so.
The Nozzblops: Snails of Distinction
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7. Last week, I read an article about amber snails. It said that they are one of the oldest land snail species on earth. Normally, two snails would mate and impregnate each other, but amber snails are one of the few species that are capable of fertilizing itself when their population is low in the wild. I thought, hmm...It wouldn't be pleasant if Billy decided to get off on himself and have many babies. What would I do with them? But since he is in captivity, he probably won't. I noticed him ontop of his favorite sponge with his head buried in it like a ostrich. This is suspicious behavior, since snail genitalia are located on the back of their neck and their little eggs pop out of there. But I dismissed it.
Some days after, Billy's nightly cucumber slice and his favorite sponge were covered in baby snails smaller than grains of sand. Oh no Billy, what have you done?
Don't get me wrong, I take it as an intense compliment that he felt comfortable enough to..."mate" and actively make some new friends in Billyville, population: 1 to population: 61.
I kept some of the babies I call "Billini", and relocated them to a small, cucumber-based nursery I have established. Transferring them from old rotten cucumber to a new one is a BITCH because they are so INSANELY tiny that I pick one up ever so lightly, shaking, and with my finger downward, show it the new cucumber and wait for it to ooze on, one by one. I am still finding new babies and have released the majority of them next to the Mississippi.
Technically, when Billy passes on to the great gastropod beyond, I will have Billini to replace him with. These perfect genetic copies will ensure that Billy will live forever and with my help, populate the earth and consume all it can...
Let's all get excited about molluscs.
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Math and me
math tinder and killer luka made these together.
graphite and oil pastel on paper
I love you Math Tinder.
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*
p.s. Hey. So, not only do we get an in-the-moment and slightly historic double dose of superstar artist and d.l. Killer Luka today, but some rare blog post input from the great artist/d.l. Math Tinder too, and, well, what more need I say? Enjoy, say stuff to the progenitors, and all my thanks to KL and MT for the kindness. ** Changeling, Hey. Glad you liked it, or re-liked it, I guess. I think my novel's finished, yeah, apart from late phase prose fiddling, but I'm still awaiting the verdict from the powers-that-be, so we'll see. Yeah, it's a good but strange feeling, the finishing. It'll feel fully good if/once I get the 'it works' sign. There's a bit of 'okay, now what I do with all that energy and concentration', but I'll figure that part out. What's the latest on your novel? Progress report, I mean. Oh, sure, I get that thing you mentioned where things seem on or off limits re: the writing. Strange, isn't it? I trust my kneejerk instincts on that one mostly, because I don't really understand the dividing line well. ** David Ehrenstein, Well, barring a change once I see him in action, that Wishaw guy really isn't my type. No spark re: him for me at all. I guess my type is very particular and elusive. I know it when I see it, but it's hard to predict unless the guy obviously has all the key ingredients (see: earlyish VK, Pierre Buisson, Antoine Monnier, et. al.) from the outset. ** Adjoun, I'm okay, trying to reorganize and catch up (with your email at the forefront) and a bit stressed about the novel being out there being read right now, but I'm okay. And you? Yeah, Stead has this talky, wandering thing. It's interesting. There's something wrong about it that I like. ** Oscar B, B-ster! Cool. We need to hook up and do something today. I'll call you when this is launched. ** Bernard Welt, No, you're right, he's not. I like his wiry body sort of okay, though. Yeah, 'Perfume' seems like an obvious novel for me. I guess I've partly stayed away because it seems like it would be very plot/ narrative-based, which isn't much of a lure. I'll page through it at Shakespeare & Co. ** L@rstonovich, Hey, L. Oh, yeah, that World's Fair stuff in 'Against the Day' is amazing. I was thinking about that too. Well, I'm calling my agent today, so we'll see. Fingers crossed. My hat's off to you or doffed or whatever re: getting that close to end of 'Finnegan's Wake'. That's something else. Do you think it's going to impact your writing? New Skullhum, awesome, and I'm prepped like hell for it. ** Sypha, Hey, James. Sure, here's my address: c/o Centre International des Recollets, 150 rue du Faubourg St. Martin, 75010 Paris, France. Thanks a lot for thinking about me re: that card. That's really nice. I think I'll write you about the Ligotti Day date today. Hardly any Snape in the last Harry Potter 'chapter'?! Shit. 'Cos it seems like he's really central to what's going to happen. Thanks for lowering my expectations. That's a good thing. ** Alan, I'm pretty into titles and how they work, but their immediate appeal is very important and part of the decision, I guess. As you probably know, I was forced to change the titles of two of the George Miles novels, and it really bugged me, and, although I still prefer the original titles, I see the logic of the decision now, and I'm totally fine with it. I guess I'm saying, yeah, why not go for the more appealing/ informative title. I guess titles ultimately are the novels' calling cards or hooks, and why not give readers as much of an 'in' as possible, you know? ** Magick Mike, Hi, Mike! Good to see you, man. Yeah, no kidding, about the Murder Castle's second floor, right? Excellent if you can use it in what you're working on? What are you working on, if you don't mind my asking? ** Michael Karo, Oh, damn, that sucks, Michael. And of course it's dumb ass and by the fucking book. And I'm not surprised in the slightest that Wylie was a total hard ass about it. He/they are hardcore money rakers, as I'm sure you know. But the tweets are legend, man. You did good, really, really good. Really sucks, though. ** Steevee, Yikes, about the hacking thing. You didn't say anything bad about Wikileaks, did you, ha ha? Glad you got it righted straight away. Weird. Why you? Or I guess that kind of thing happens all time? ** _Black_Acrylic, Congrats on running water and sealed pipes, and, yeah, it's in your landlord's extremely best interest to get that fix permanent, so I hope he will. How was Y 'n Y launch you missed? Have you heard? Cool about your Horowitz review. I'll read it in a bit. Everyone, _Black_Acrylic also known as the mystically ultra-talented Ben Robinson, has reviewed the artist Jonathan Horowitz's recent show at Dundee's DCA, and you can find it here, and please do. ** Paul Curran, Thanks, Paul. Wonderful to hear and feel your novel positivity. Oh, you think you might end up trimming it to pint sized? I know how that goes. Well, you can have my gift for diligence-spurting on extended loan, if that will help. ** Polter, Hey. I like your dreams too. They beat mine all over the place, or the rare dreams I remember, which usually involving me falling to my death from a high cliff or an open airplane door or the space station or whatever. Your birthday's this month? Happy birthday! Maybe it's the art thing that I know Trondheim for. Hm. I'll google it. The city, I mean. To refresh myself, I mean. Oh, I need to write the new theater piece thing I'm doing Gisele Vienne next. That's my first task. Actually, the thing I'm supposed to write first is supposed be kind of like a trailer for an upcoming video game except with a talking mannequin or two standing in art installation instead of a video with lots of graphics and quick cuts. Hard to explain. Anyway, that's my next writing gig. Your exams are before Xmas? I guess that makes sense, duh. Sorry about that. But Xmas is only, wow, ... soon. It's really soon. That's kind of scary. ** Ken Baumann, Hi, Ken! STASAP, I like that. What's that term they always used in 'ER' ... oh, STAT, or stet? No, stet means 'leave as is'. As an editor of text, I'm sure you know that. 'I need that (STAT or stet)'. Or ... I forget. I'm excited about the mystery of the new Sator book. And I really don't have one tiny little clue or guess or anything as to what it will be, which is exciting too. You devil! Oh, oh, thank you for the profile of Miyamoto. I'm going to read that, uh, STASAP! Thank you! ** Oliver, Oh, right, the measure was passed. Yeah, the protests/riots here recently fizzled out as soon as the 'raise the retirement age' measure passed. Anyway, I'm hoping for great stuff on Saturday. ** Chris Cochrane, Hi, Chris. Oh, while I have you, a forewarning that I might only be able to be in NYC from just before the actual shows until immediately after 'cos the hotel prices are insane, and I just can't cover that expense. So, being there a week on my own dime may be completely out of the running. I'm still looking for a decent price, and hoping, but just a heads up in case. I'm not really so into serial killers anymore. I kind of ran out of new ones, or new ones of the sort that interest me. It's more the architecture of that killer's dream palace that insinuated itself into me. But, yeah, we can talk killers to our mutual heart's delight. ** Mark Gluth, Oh, it's been three years that you've been working on it? Never mind then. I guess my imagination only got on board with the novel's impending existence more recently. C. McCarthy and Lutz, yeah, wow. Awesome sentence makers and inspirations and high bars. High bars are the only bars. That don't serve alcohol, at least. So very curious to read it, Mark. ** Math, Hey, pal. You're up there in the post. Did you know you were going to be up there? I wasn't sure if it was a surprise or not. Anyway, lustrous work, my majorly talented bud. When you were in SF last, or the last time I remember you reporting back from SF at least, you were really into the idea of living there, so it seems like a really positive, sensible decision, you know, as opposed to just a decision to get away from a bad situation, although that's totally understandable as well. Oh, pal, sorry about the sickness, but I'm really glad you're on the upswing. Jesus. Exciting about the Donkey Kong! I'm totally going to get that. Our TV is so shit though that I might need to buy a cheap but better TV first. And Mario Galaxy 2 as well, but everyone says it's really hard, and I have a really hard time with hard games. If online cheats don't solve the sticking points, I usually give up, so I'm worried about that aspect. Anyway, lots of love and respect to you, big M! ** Andrew, I think I read somewhere when I was putting the post together that the Murder Castle actually was an influence on 'Sweeney Todd'. Makes sense, right? Is the snow still packing you in? ** Nb, Hey, Nick! Thanks, man. I did do the nachos and iced tea celebration. But I really want cake too. The occasion won't be celebrated until I eat cake. Me, Emo? Hm, interesting. An Emo in his fifties ... could be a first. I'm going to give that serious consideration while I wish you the best and love. What's going on with you? Further thoughts on the finished work or a new one? Are you going to Texas again? ** Statictick, Okay, I will run my eyes over a few pages of 'Perfume' and see what happens. Your body is the weirdest miracle ever. I guess you know that. I've long wanted to see that Crispin Glover show, yeah. Sold out, sucks. I'm making a list too. ** Inthemostpeculiarway, Morning, man. Oh, uh, my new novel is differently written than my other novels. More kind of baroque and faux-old fashioned but fucked up. Hard to describe. That's the tricky part, or one of them. Whether people who like my stuff will go with the style of this new book. I hope so. That was beautiful: that car ride, the dialogue, the radio hitting, and, most of all, the cold, pathetic trees and the cold squirrel. Respect to you, wordsmith. Sure, I like 'Monday, Monday'. I have a weak spot for the Mamas & Papas, I guess from growing up in California while they were singing about it. My day: I cleaned up the book pile on the floor. I put the books in the 'library'. Hm, I should do a post about 'where I live' and show you guys all these places in the Recollets I always talk about. Recollets Day. Maybe I'll do that. I did some blog stuff. I looked into the plane and hotel stuff for my NYC trip, and I was horrified and scared by the prices. And I still am. In the afternoon, I got a message from my agent saying he's read the first half of my novel and loves it. So, that was a big relief, but the last half is the real test, so I'm still not in the clear. I cut this one chapter out of the second half because I didn't want the novel to last that long, and it had a bunch of stuff in it that I didn't think the novel absolutely needed, but I'm not 100% sure about that, and I really hope the novel doesn't need it because that chapter would need a lot of work to finish, so I'm hoping my agent will think it's just fine as is, so I won't have to do that. I'm calling him today, gulp. In the evening, I had that photo session I mentioned. It was at Jonathan Capdevielle's pad on Isle St. Louis, which is sort of like the ultimate place to live in Paris 'cos it's an island in the river, and it's like a small town in the middle of Paris, and lots of very famous and great French artist types have lived there. Bresson, my god, lived there. Jonathan lives there because someone kind let him live in their amazing apartment for cheap. Anyway, we (J., Gisele, and me) did the photo session in the medieval courtyard of the building where J. lives, and it was -2 degrees outside, so we all practically died. The photos are for the big French mag. Inrokuptibles 'cos we got picked as one of the 'the best of the future', the future being 2011. Then we had tea at a cozy little tea place, and then I came back here and warmed up, although it took a while because the cold was intense. I ate. I visited with Yury. Blah blah. That was it. It's Tuesday, right? Yeah, it is. Tell me: how was Tuesday? ** Bollo, 'Boner' or 'BONER', nice, man. Good one. Yeah, I think each of the cake-ettes in the Lacroix Buche are differently flavored, we'll see. I don't know about the figure, but I'd guess it's candy or marzipan or something. I'm going to go pick the cake in a couple of days. Catch on the flip too. ** Postitbreak, Ah, thank for saving my sad hard drive. Everyone, here's Postitbreak hugging a snowman, although the snowman looks kind of more like a giant Xmas ornament or a big breast with a very erect nipple. Anyway, it's the hug that counts. Check it out right here. I like the beard. It's cool. And the hug, of course. Uh, well, you know what you should do on your day off, man. Write! Thanks, bud. ** Killer Luka, So, yeah, thanks for being you and for being you in the blog's light of day and everything else. You are a god. Confirmed. I did hear that about Chernobyl. Weird decision, but that's Russia for you. Oh, I'm with you on Miles Pride as the mascot. I want a Miles Pride Buche de Noel. Or at least Miles Pride with a Buche de Noel tree tattoo. Make me one. ** Jax, Hey, pal. No, I don't know Lucy Boston. 'Green Knowe': what is 'knowe'? Sounds good, whatever it is. You good? ** Misanthrope, Yeah, I think there's a movie being made of that 'Devil in the White City' book with Leo DiCap as H.H. Holmes because when you image-google 'H. H. Holmes', half the pictures that show up are of Leo DiCap. That did sound kind of Eminem. Is your tooth hole all sealed up and quiet now? ** Now, you guys feast on Killer Luka and Math Tinder, right? Right. I'll go feast on some post-in-progress or something, right? Right. Take care. See ya.
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