Sugar Blues

I have been addicted to sugar my whole life.

Because sugar is absolute crap for the body, it wasn't often allowed in my mother's house so I developed an early, violent, craving for the stuff. It became another in a long line of forbidden fruits dangled in front of me that I was to avoid at all costs. Except - unlike coffee, alcohol, tobacco, masturbation, Diet Coke, R-rated movies, Judy Blume novels and all other naughty pleasures - it wasn't forbidden by God, just my mother. She was much easier to disobey. So, I would save my allowance and sneak up the street to 7-11, buy as many candy bars as I could afford and sit on the curb - cramming them into my mouth in a near orgasmic frenzy. Whenever I was at a friends house whose mother's purchased cookies, candy, or - God bless them - Hostess delights, it was over for me. I ate until I could eat no more. I didn't have the "Sugar Limit" most of my friends had. I never got sugared out. I filled to overflowing and immediately began planning how to get my hands on more. I was skinny as a rail so it never affected my weight. I never thought about it being a problem. Not once.

As an adult, when I was on my own, I still scarfed sugary goodies with the same desperation of a thousand starving orphans. Simply because I could. I totally understand why sugar is the Mormon drug of choice. It's all that is allowed. I ate it because no one could tell me not to. I had learned to be obedient not disciplined.

Once my testimony bit the dust and I made different behavioral choices for myself, that didn't change. Fortunately I had been through enough therapy and was already committed to my personal well being so I didn't try drugs, start smoking (as much as I wanted to) and my alcohol consumption stayed well under control. But I never learned to say NO to sugar.

I still had no limit to the amounts I could eat but as I got older I noticed that I had sugar hangovers worse than anything brought on by the best night of Tequila shooting. Ice cream was the worst. Took me days to recover.

I remembered family friends reading the book "Sugar Blues" when I was a child and I have always known that it was not good for me. But I didn't care. I was totally in denial as to how much it was affecting me. I remembered the sugar fasts I went on in high school and how amazing it felt not to have it coursing through my veins. For several months before I got married I cut out sugar, dairy, soda and red meat and felt remarkable. I've tried several times, post babies, to replicate those fasts. Totally unable to. I tried to limit. Didn't work. Tried to only have it on the weekends. Worked occasionally but not enough to make any kind of a difference.

But then [cue: Hallelujah Chorus] the stars aligned the beginning of this October and I just stopped eating the stuff. A combination of finally being ready to let it go, a desire to feel and look better than I have, being reminded by a good friend how amazing it felt to cook and eat healthily, dread at the oncoming winter and it's accompanying depression, a role in an independent film that required I get in getter shape than I was and being introduced to the Miracle Love Coffee... It was as easy as my mother's sugarless apple pie. I stopped eating sugar, dairy, gluten, limited red meat intake and only drank occasional red wine without giving any of it a second thought.

First thing I noticed was the increase in energy. My strength doubled instantly and I was able to run faster and longer and lift far more weight at the gym than I had before. Within a few weeks I had lost a solid 10 pounds - even with all the muscle weight I was gaining. My thinking cleared exponentially. Anxiety vanished. All the stress I am under from juggling a million projects was totally handle-able. I started dreaming again. I was happy, like, 98% of the time. Winter came and I was fine. I looked at the snow and it was pretty. Pulling off Christmas alone while working full time usually trips me up. Nope. Sailed through it - loving nearly every moment. I felt better, healthier, happier, more grateful, more energetic and ridiculously more capable and productive than I have in as long as I can remember. I became a vastly different person. Just ask my kids.

Then came Christmas. Certainly having all the delicious goodies that filled my kitchen for one day couldn't hurt anything...

OH MY GOD.

I knew I would feel something. I had factored in a day to recover - grateful that the day after Christmas was Sunday. I took it easy, read and watched Christmas movies. That night I felt it. Just kind of... off. The next morning I felt like I had been hit by a truck. I had a headache, swollen eyes and could hardly move for the aching in my joints. My hips felt like those of an 87 year old. I couldn't remember certain words. I was sad. Not depressed (yet) but just kind of gloomy. I felt anxious and annoyed. As the day wore on it got worse. I hated my life and the pain I was in. Didn't want anyone to call or come over. Looked outside at that goddamn winter and cursed living in Utah. My creativity, sex drive, joy for living... blurred. Drugged. Gone.

I stepped outside myself and knew exactly what it was. Didn't panic. Just reminded myself that it was sugar screwing with my brain chemistry as it has for years. I have been drinking a lot of water, miracle coffee, lemon/cayenne drink and eating brown rice, Quinoa, lentils and lots of fruits and veggies. 4 days later I can still feel it. I went for a long run on Monday - pushing through the aching still in my hips. I feel happiness again but still slow in my brain. Still confused and swollen for quite a while after I wake up. Anxiety is easing. Ability to happily cope returning.

HOW DID I EVER LIVE LIKE THAT???

All I can say is I am done. Sugar is poison for my body and brain. I have no more desire to do sugar than I have to do cocaine. At the moment they feel one and the same. [Note: I have never actually done cocaine - but have always been deathly afraid of it and what it would do to me. For good reason.]

Anyway, purging is almost done. My search for all recipes yummy, healthy and sugar free has commenced.

Grateful for the lesson.

May I never have to learn it again.