Excuse Me God, But My Eyes Are Up HERE!

A really wonderful time was had at our retreat this past weekend. It started off with a happygasmic bang when everyone was arriving, getting settled, and a woman known to me only as Valerie pulled me aside and said, "I am Val - from your blog. The one that lives next door to the..."little people." I fell both on the floor and madly in love with my very own blog-stalker and determined right then to stalk her right back. Who wouldn't? I mean, seriously, she won the real estate jack pot! Her neighbors have parties and reunions. I think the rapture might just kill me...

The details of our time together are confidential and something I hold sacred - but I will say that I was honored to be in the presence of such wonderful women. We laughed, we cried, we questioned, answered, thought, ranted, discovered, risked, healed... and ate more than I thought humanly possible.

One thing I can share - the best Mormon-story-begging-to-be-mocked I've heard in a very long time. In a certain Relief Society attended by one of the women, the teacher, very emotionally, added the following to her lesson: "Sisters, this is not in the manual but I feel very strongly to share it with you. My mother taught it to me, I taught it to my daughters and they are teaching it to theirs... Sisters, please remember that God is still a man. When you pray to Him, make sure that you are not in your nightgown - but are properly covered and attired..."

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!?!? Sister of the Oh So Many Disturbing Issues, when did your Almighty God, Loving Heavenly Father, Creator of All become Big Daddy the Pedophile Pervert? Seriously - God might be tempted to get off while sneaking a peek at you in your 1847 Little House on the Prairie nightgown covering your one piece, old school, fundamentalist, to the wrist and ankle, trap door garments? (Forget what the the rest of us wear, or don't wear, to bed...) This twisted gem is wrong on sooooo many levels.

It is my belief that poor woman has not showered in decades. Huh. Maybe that's why so many of the older Sisters at church smelled like Lysol...