being a little over average.

This morning I woke up to my father yelling at everyone to wake up. So we had a family "conference" and everyone was like half asleep while my father was ranting how we all live like pigs. I guess we had been taking advantage of my dad lately because he has been doing a lot of cooking and cleaning for the family. Well since my parents are done with the restaurant, I missed having my parents cook for me at home so I just got used to my dad just cooking for us whenever we got home. But I guess he got sick of being Mr. Mom after a month and said we needed to pick up the slack. At first I felt irritated because my mom started blaming me because I am in charge of the kitchen this week, but then I felt really bad. I felt bad for not doing my job and not doing enough to help my siblings or being a good daughter. Then my dad said I had become a little more than average and that made me really sad. My parents think I have gotten "worse" over the years with my procrastination and it really made me mad but sad also. It is my fault but I wanted to blame it on my parents too because for the last five years, they've been busy with work and never home and I've had to take care of the house. I started a cry a little bit but I didn't really say anything but yeah in the end we all got over it. I understood what my father was saying and I guess I needed to try harder.

I think the most thing that hits me emotionally is being seen as a little above average which is true. Because I know I am a little above average. I have no special talents. The only reason my GPA is a bit high is because of extra AP points but I mostly have B's on my report card. I don't play a sport. I haven't really shined in anything. I have like no hobbies. What makes me special? I know that is really hard to believe but on paper, I am just a little above average. I know my parents wish I was one of those super smart kids who would get free rides to college but I'm not. But at the same time, I am glad I am not because I know a couple of those people and guess what, their personalities suck. But maybe I am just being bitter.

So about the rest of my day. After we cleaned the house, we had a nice family brunch and it was nice. As a family, we get over stuff really quick so no one was really moody. Then we just all took a rest. At around 4ish, we went to the park. I played tennis with my dad and siblings. My mom (being pregnant and all) was walking one of our dogs around. I really suck at tennis. My sixth grade sister is way better than me. That is depressing. But it is just nice to play around and hit the ball back and forth. We played until it was dark and came home and ate dinner. It was relaxing.


So I talked about visiting my old house with my mom in this post and I found the PERFECT quote to go with the feeling I felt when I visited my old home.

" You ask me what it means to be irrelevant? The feeling is akin to visiting your old house as a wandering ghost with unfinished business. Imagine going back: the structure is familiar, but the door is now metal instead of wood, the walls have been painted a garish pink, the easy chair you loved so much is gone. your office is now the family room and your beloved bookcases have been replaced by a brand-new television set. This is your house, and it is not. And you are no longer relevant to this house, to its walls and doors and floors; you are not seen. "
- Reading Lolita in Tehran

That is exactly how I felt at that moment except this describes it much better. Even though it is just a house, it is sad to know that your thumb print and your mark is no longer there. And when you die, who will remember that you lived in that house?

So to lighten up this post, I want to post my favorite song that ALWAYS makes me feel better for some reason.



Perfect song for a Sunday.

--CHRISTINA

love me after 12 am

"Reality has become so intolerable,

she said, so bleak, that all I can paint now
are the colors of my dreams."

--Reading Lolita in Tehran

For AP English Comp & Lit, I am reading Reading Lolita in Tehran for my non-fiction outside reading. I am not much of a non-fiction fan but the books we read in AP ENG are pretty much all non-fiction. However, this book is very inspiring and interesting to me. It is writing about the time when Iran was under the Islamic Republic and there were a lot of religious codes to be followed (still happens today). Women were forced to be covered up and to hide their hair. Everyone lived in this totalitarian society. To me, coming from a democratic society and government, this is very astounding. Everyone is dictated on how they are to live day by day, especially women. Women have the worst because they aren't even allowed to be seen with other men if they are not relatives or their husbands. People are able to be stoned in this society. However this book is not much to criticize the soceity (thought you can kind of sense the author's attitude toward this society) but it tells the real story of a woman (college professor) who takes a couple of her female students and they talk bout books. This may seem nothing out of the ordinary but of course it is a totalitarian religious society and many books are banned from being read (especially WESTERN books) like Jane Austen.


FAVORITE QUOTES FROM BOOK (i keep marking pages because i think some of the text is just amazing and inspirational:

" Before the revolution, she could in a sense take pride in her isolation. At the time, she had worn the scarf as a testament to her faith. her decision was a voluntary act. When the revolution [when Islamic Republic took over] forced the scarf on others, her action became meaningless. "

"Throughout, from start to finish, I observe that they have no clear image of themselves; they can only see and shape themselves through other people's eyes--- ironically, the very people they despise. I have underlined love yourself, self-confidence."

For the first time in my life, I am actually reading a book slowly. I usually go through a book in like three or four hours but I've learned to look for more in reading than just finishing and being satisfied. I want to decode the meaning and the theme the author is trying to come across. Yeah, AP ENG is just making me much more of a big nerd. I am only like on page 40, so yeah READ THE BOOK IT IS GOOD!

More music:
To talk about "LOVE ME AFTER 12 AM" by m-flo featuring alex. OMG I LOVE ALEX from CLAZZIQUAI more and more every day. I notice he has been coming out on a lot of Korean variety shows now. Too bad he shines more than m-flo in the song. This is a very cute song. I love any song featured by Alex. The ALEX & JISUN combination last year on their little single was fantastic. I am not sure if it was last year, it made me 2006. But yeah, they made an awesome duet.

So yeah I know why Feist deserves a Grammy haha. She's different but likable. She's like the happy boppy feeling when you eat a lollipop. Haha I am trying to find the right description.

New ANDY. SOLO ANDY. Yeah this is very Shinhwa style but it sounds better because it is just ANDY! I am impressed, that he actually can hold his own to Minwoo. I really like this song because it is so catchy.

and about my day.
So I am thinking of trying for spring musical at school and I went to the workshop with Michelle today. OMG I felt so out of place. I felt like such a nerdy little ASIAN GIRL because Michelle and I and Trisha (well she is in theater so MINUS HER) were the only Asians in there. I NEVER FEEL THAT NERDY. I never really care about that kind of stuff but it kind of ticked me off when everyone was like are you guys twins when they came up to Michelle and I. I was like NOOOO!! I felt that cliquey aura and could feel the stereotypes being labeled on my head. BUT maybe it was just my imagination. Yes I am not much of a theater type or part of that crowd BUT I LOVE MUSICALS and I do like to sing. I was horribly intimidated by the choir singers and the theatrical people in that workshop though. I have no idea how I am going to go through with this but I WILL BE BRAAAAAAAVVVEEEE. I should have just gone out for tech crew. GAWWWWD. I hate singing high notes though and most of the girls' parts were pretty high. I can sing in harmony with others but by myself I WOULD CRACK. I don't want to audition. AUGH. WELL I WILL STICK TO IT AND BE BRAVE AND BE DARING! I WANT TO HAVE FUN and do all those high school things you wish you could have done but never was brave enough to do. YES

Tomorrow I have ACADEMIC DECATHLON. GAWD I really am a nerd but no worries, our team always is the biggest (and coolest) looking group and we always like get like 10th place. HAHA. Our teacher (MOWRER!) is so chill about it and he doesn't really care about winning. We do kind of but not really. I spent more time thinking about what I was going to wear than what my three minute speech should be about. I really love doing the interview part because I love talking to older people and sounding smart and not feeling stupid because I sound smart. When you talk smart to people your own age, they kind of think you are obnoxious or a nerd. Yeah so you just try to dumb yourself down. Sad to say it is true. But of course I never really can do that all the way. I am just too dominant of a speaker to dumb myself down. BUT WHY SHOULD YOU ACT STUPID ANYWAYS?

"IMITATION IS SUICIDE"
-EMERSON

Don't follow others, live the life you want.

---EMPRESS
CK
[ RULER OF FREE WORLD ]