E+F: The ins and outs of the final group matches...

Glen Johnson trying to avoid being hit square in the Jubulanis yesterday

Group E
Match 41:
Denmark 0

Japan 2
Snackazawa 43, Mizuno 48

A double whammy does for the Danes as their disappointing COGH campaign comes to an end. The lads don't hold back in what they feel about Carlsberg. 'Bath water. Not fit to grace this fine competition,' says Dan, whilst James thinks it 'smells of feet.' Peter follows up with a cutting 'It's awful, I'm getting more off these figs I'm eating.' Sapporo by contrast as dry, clean and hundred times more drinkable.

Tim Stewart's World Cup Diary

We'd heartily recommend Tim Stewart's on-the-spot reporting from England v Slovenia on our siblog European Football Weekends.

Match 42:
Cameroon 0

Holland 2
Bruin 32, Agagoo 75 (O.G)

Two very similar games to round off the groups, except the French / Cameroonian entrant Tradition is way out of Carlsberg's league, but not in a good way. 'Worst beer we've tried, and that's saying something,' says Deaks, eager to wash his mouth out with something more pleasant. The Dutch grab their first and only goals of the tournament but strangely they are enough to give them a decent shout of the second round.

Final Group E Table:

		P	W	D	L	F	A	GD	PTS
1	Japan	3	3	0	0	5	0	5	9
2	Holland	3	1	1	1	2	1	1	4
3	Denmark	3	1	1	1	1	2	-1	4
4	Cameroon	3	0	0	3	0	5	-5	0

COGH Analysis: In an amazing last gasp bid Holland have overtaken the Danes on goal difference, but will face the formidable Paraguayans in the next round. Japan were not troubled in the group, and will fancy themselves against Italy. The Danes can consider themselves unlucky, especially as their first choice beer was smashed in an unfortunate accident. As for the French / Cameroonian entry, they are no loss to the contest.

Whoops!

Vladimir Mijaljevic commentating for Serbia's biggest TV station RTS said of the German goalkeeping situation: “Neuer is in goal, because Enke cannot play. He is injured.” Obviously no-one told Mijaljevic that Robert Enke tragically committed suicide last year.

Group F
Match 43:
Slovakia 0

Italy 1
Columbo 39

Two evenly matched sides going head-to-head in a battle for that vital runners-up spot in the group. The Italians edge out the Slovaks by being 'a little tastier' but overall an uninspiring encounter. 'You'd not refuse a few of these, but I've had better up Ben Nevis,' says Peter. Stu is equally non-plussed. 'I don't think either of these will be going very much further in the competition to be honest.' No-one disagrees.

Thought for the Day

A player has been sent off on each of the last eight day's play - a new World Cup record. It seems that there are so many fiddly things that 'deserve' a yellow card these days, wrecking many perfectly good matches. Here's to no red cards today... what would be the odds of that? 50/1?

Impenetrable: England's route to the WC2010 final

Match 44:

Paraguay 3

New Zealand 0

'This beer would put you in Accident and Emergency if you're not careful,' says Dan. Not everyone is a fan of Palo Santo, but all have to admire how they've managed to fit 12% ABV of beer into something that doesn't taste like surgical spirit. Mac's Gold, on the other hand, is pallid, plain and out of COGH without a point or even so much as a goal.

The NZ team in celebratory mood... Obviously with beer from other countries

Final Group F Table

		P	W	D	L	F	A	GD	PTS
1	Paraguay	3	3	0	0	9	2	7	9
2	Italy	3	2	0	1	3	3	0	6
3	Slovakia	3	1	0	2	2	4	-2	3
4	New Zealand	3	0	0	3	0	5	-5	0

COGH Analysis: Paraguay coast over the finishing line as group winners and will not fear the Dutch. The Italians were arguably fielding an understrength entry and so did well under the circumstances. As for the Slovaks and the Kiwis, both were fancied before the start of the tournament and have largely disappointed, but stood little chance against a most distinctive South American entry.

Tomorrow: Will Brazil qualify? Are Switzerland COGH's new dark horses

Group F - Paraguay make early running...

Group F on paper looked simple - the Italians and Slovakians will knock it out of the park, leaving beer novices New Zealand and Paraguay to scrabble the BFH (bus fare home) together. However, as with many things after a day's solid drinking - all was not it seemed... Be prepared to enter the COGH Twilight Zone...

n.b. this is a library still, as we were not sufficiently on
the ball at this stage to get a group photo

Italy
Forza Azzurri, 5%
'Brewed in Udinese - which is Deaks' favourite Italian team, there is very little else known about this brand, which we found in a convenience store on Lewes Rd, Brighton.'
COGH research bureau

New Zealand
Macs Gold, 4%
'The Bottle was funky, looked like Mac had made it in his shed and the label suggested it was naturally brewed. So its not your average beer, and to be fair it tastes quite good with a good maltyness (is this a word?) to it. Unfortunately I couldn't warm to it and I would have to advise giving this one a miss…' alcoholexperiment.com

Paraguay
Palo Santo Marron, 12%
'Brewed in three massive 10,000 gallon tanks made from Paraguayan lignum vitae wood, which is hard enough to be used in cutting gems and dense enough to sink in water. This fact is even more silly, but it's still not the howler. No, much more absurd than all of this is the fact that Palo Santo Marron is a brown ale of all things.'
Spondologos

Slovakia
Ostravar, 5%
'Brewed since 1897 by this Prague microbrewery which was swallowed up into the larger group Prazské Pivovary (Prague Breweries) which is now controlled by Interbrew, this is a very tasty Pilsner with a marmite and fried egg aroma. A decent body with soft honey and barley sugar notes, gently cut by citrus hops which gradually melt into a fragrant memory. '
bottledbeer.co.uk
COGH excuse - we tried and failed to get hold of Golden Pheasant - and as previous noted their US distributors were most unhelpful.

That's quite enough of that. Let's see what Barbie and Sindy are up to:-

Still chatting by the trophy. Both are a little tipsy but still in control of their faculties. Let's get on with the important bit now - the match reports. Bet you can't wait...

Match 11:

Italy 1

Machetti 21

Paraguay 3

Alcatraz 26, Cruzcampo (pen) 46, Noreiga 79

The Italian brew was generally considered 'ok', and quite literally nothing more, with 'slightly better than Mythos' being the most complimentary anybody got. Whereas opinion was wildly split over the Paraguayan wood-aged brown ale. Everyone but Peter ('tastes like cough mixture and fish') loved it. 'Smells wonderful, licorice. Genuinely interesting. Special occasions only, crazy juice,' mused James - with Stu, Dan and Deaks in dogged agreement. The wisdom of the crowd easily winning through. One of the biggest shocks of the tournament thus far.

These lads were pleased with the result, and had had a few Palo Santos to celebrate

Match 12:

New Zealand 0

Slovakia 1

Amsik 30

'It's got a novelty cap and novelty bottle - but I wouldn't go to New Zealand to get one,' thus spake Deaks. James agreed, saying it was style over substance and Stu merely shook his head, and the fate of Macs Gold was sealed. Peter pretentiously detected 'smoky notes' in the Czech, pretender, and though found it a little less than welcoming, thought it would definitely get you there. Job done. New Zealand is fielding the only amateur player in WC2010, and judging by the state of their beer, you can well believe it.

Forgot to post a picture of our exclusive 'Very Nice World Cup
of Good Hop' wallchart. More on this later

So, we've nearly met all the contestants - what do you think so far? Don't forget to vote on the poll options on COGH. Better still, go out and buy some of them yourself - then vote, or not...