The madcap adventures of LaFawnda got me thinking about Flint and his novel o' romance that I was given two years ago and still have not had the time to read as I am not 70 years old - thus not yet in my season of gardening and porn. But I did take 7 minutes yesterday to flip through and see what nuggets I could mine.
Oh, Sweet Mama. Are you ready for this..?
"Then teeth began to tease her nipple, and a tongue laved the swollen tip a moment before drawing it into the mouth again to slowly suckle it..."
I had to look up the word "Laved." It either means "to wash; bathe" or "to ladle; pour or dip with a ladle." I'm thinking he didn't dip her nip with a ladle. Rather he washed the tip of her nip with his lip. Much better.
"When he had her so worked up that she was thrashing her head about, he slid his palm inside the bottom of her underwear and cupped the soft mound between her legs. With his middle finger, he probed the tender..."
Seriously, that one is kinda hot.
"Cupping her small rear in his hands, he rocked slowly against her, each thrust of his body going in a little deeper. It took about five minutes before blond hair and black were meshed together."
Okay, I'm thinking that five minutes is a freaking long time for the entering stage - no matter how virginal the virgin. I would have gone to the kitchen and made some soup by the time blond and black hair finally meshed. And then I would have thrown it up because, Eeeeewwwwww.
"When she made no move to take his member into her hand, he curled her fingers around his largeness. She had a right to know how big he was..."
I gotta say that every time I read the word "member," yes even when referring to a penis, all I can picture is a Mormon man in a suit. Mormonism made it's mark on my brain long before "Where Did I Come From?" even had a chance. Therefore a Penis is a Member in a Suit and a Vagina is a Jeans Wearing, Tequila Swilling Non-Member. I guess that sounds about right.
"...hadn't she had proof of that when she saw him at the fur post with a whore's hand down his pants."
BEST LINE EVER.
You want to know the very best part about these saucy passages? They were written by This Woman...
Bah-hahahahahahaha!!!
How Totally Awesome Is That??? Makes me think I might be doing more than just reading porn when I'm seventy.
I just got done reading a book on my new Kindle (have a mentioned how in love with it I am?) by my dear friend JulieAnn. Yes, I did initially get it, and read it, in support of my friend (it helped that I already knew her to be a talented writer) but, I thoroughly enjoyed it because it is just a damn good book.
Official Synopsis:
Chelsea Sarkozy is a 40-year old misanthropic prude with a penchant for snark. Mean snark. Her prudish nature has her believing that everything is a "gateway" to something disgusting. As Chelsea puts it, "There are places faces should never go."
Her husband abandons her for a younger man named Hank, an insult to injury since Hank's thighs are bigger than hers. Chelsea is left homeless, job-less and option-less. When her estranged (and strange) mother dies, she leaves Chelsea a large inheritance with one condition: she must take over her sexual advice blog and porn production --er, instructional video company. Broke and out of choices, Chelsea has no alternative but to hold her nose, clench her eyes shut and take the businesses head on. So to speak.
The blog is called "Mom's 'Vice," and although Chelsea reluctantly agrees to tackle it, she soon realizes she's out of her depth. She needs help. Chelsea turns to an aging "entertainer" and self-proclaimed mystic, an enigmatic journalist with a penchant for drama and latex, and Wanker, a handsome, mild-mannered deviant who is also her unfortunate tenant.
Just as things can't get any better, Chelsea discovers that a drunken good-bye fling with her ex has left her pregnant.
Despite the fact her life resembles a bad country song, Chelsea dives into the colorful world of sexual fetishism and freedom, but soon she begins to receive strange notes from an anonymous stalker. Convinced it's Wanker's attempt to scare her into abandoning the lucrative business, she re-doubles her efforts to keep the production company going. With the help of her odd posse, she travels down the dark, quirky, and out-right unusual path of hilarious sexual eccentricities through her research, research that begins to slowly but surely open her puritanical mind.
As Chelsea takes the unwilling jaunt into the sexual healing of others, she's forced to face her own psyche (peeking through her fingers) and learns how to accept and even embrace the people who turn to her for advice and understanding. Much to her surprise, Chelsea discovers that life may just exist below her own belt after all as she watches her burgeoning belly grow, her mind opening, and the relentless encroachment of her long-lost libido. Hey, there may even be room for a little latex.
I give it many stars. If you're looking for a good, entertaining, laugh out loud, hilariously naughty read - check out TDTM by JA Carter-Winward.
Okay, so, admittedly, I used to think that electronic books were lame. That they were the only way authors that couldn't get a "real" publisher got their books out. And they didn't look good. And they didn't cost what real books should cost. And they were... well... lame.
Enter: The Internet. It has changed the world of publishing (and music and films and medicine and...you name it.)
This summer I was doing some research on book publishing and couldn't believe how much, and how rapidly, things are changing and evolving. I was stunned to read that Barnes & Noble is pretty much up for sale. Small independent bookstores have been closing for years - due to, not only the big Mega-stores like Barnes & Noble but, discount stores like WalMart and Costco. We consumers love to go into Barnes & Noble to get coffee and hang out and browse all the pretty books - but how many of us actually buy enough books there to cover costs? We see what we want to go home and order for less money on Amazon. So, it may be even buh-bye to B&N. Sad. But, I guess, unavoidable.
Enter: Digital Publishing. Exit stage left: Traditional publishing.
Spotlight: Center stage on the Kindle. I just got one and I have to say I AM IN LOVE. Totally and completely. It is compact and can hold more books than my giant oak bookshelves. I can curl up on my bed, read a book, then order the next one (for less money than it's printed version) and start reading without once upsetting my perfectly tucked in, ridiculously cozy, blankets. If only it could rub my perfectly tucked in feet and feed me chocolate - it would be the ultimate night-in companion. Well, actually...
Never mind.
Times, they are a changing. I think that we will always have printed books but they will be limited editions of books that do really well electronically or that we buy directly from authors when they speak and teach somewhere out in the real world. Other than that it looks like publishing is all pretty much going digital.
Go getcherselves a Kindle, Internetland. You'll be oh-so glad you did.
Okay, so I’ve seen this meme done a few times around the ‘hood and on Facebook so I thought I would do it too. I don’t remember exactly who all has done this and where I stole from. I do know that Knight did it. And since I like to stalk Knight I probably swiped it from her.
Anyway, there are some pretty vague rules that I also don’t really remember, but the gist of the whole thing is you are to tell everyone 15 (or so) books that really stuck with you or made an impression on you or whatever. Not “changed your life” books, but books that you loved or hated and they stuck with you cause you loved or hated them. Or something like that. Oh and you’re not supposed to spend a lot of time on it. Yeah, I do remember that. Just real quick like come up with 15 books that have stuck with you for whatever reason.
So here they are, in no particular order…
A Time to Kill – John Grisham North Dallas Forty – Peter Gent In Cold Blood – Truman Capote A Christmas Carol – Charles Dickens On the Road – Jack Kerouac
Private Parts – Howard Stern Clear and Present Danger – Tom Clancy To Kill a Mockingbird – Harper Lee Assassination Vacation - Sarah Vowell The Picture of Dorian Gray – Oscar Wilde
Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas – Hunter S. Thompson Notes From a Small Island – Bill Bryson Catcher in the Rye – J. D. Salinger Ana Karenina – Leo Tolstoy The Great Gatsby – F. Scott Fitzgerald
A Parliament of Whores – P. J. O’Rourke In the Electric Mist of the Confederate Dead – James Lee Burke The Grapes of Wrath – John Steinbeck As I Lay Dying – William Faulkner * Profiles in Courage – John F. Kennedy
Shoot Low Boys, They’re Riding Shetland Ponies – Lewis Grizzard Misquoting Jesus – Bart Ehrman D-Day/Citizen Soldiers/Undaunted Courage – Stephen Ambrose ** A Season on the Brink - John Feinstein The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy – Douglas Adams
* Funny how something you hated sooooo much can stick with you, isn’t it?
** Just couldn’t decide which of those three to use, even though I’m sure I read D-Day first. Love Stephen Ambrose.
Okay, so for a lot of these authors, like Grisham, Thompson, Burke, Bryson and some others, I could have used any one of a number of their books. For all of them except Ambrose I went with the first one that I read.
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Aaaaaaaaand that’s it for me kiddos. I’ve got family in for the 4th of July weekend so I will be gone from the bloggerhood for the most part. I will probably wander and by and comment, but not every day.
You can see just a touch of yellow in that book “The Wordy Shipmates” by Sarah Vowell. I’m a big fan of Sarah who is a regular contributor too “This American Life” on Public Radio International. She is not a historian, just somebody who loves to learn a lot about history. Her previous book “Assassination Vacation” is full of all kinds of fascinating tidbits and stuff that is fun to know, but only really useful if you are a contestant on Jeopardy or want to dominate a game of Trivial Pursuit. Actually, it might not even help you at Trivial Pursuit, but it’s still fun to learn. You know, it’s all the cool stuff they never teach you in school.
Kind of related side note: I just read this on Twitter from Olivia Munn who I am following…
- “Just got done seeing too many historical monuments- so tired now.. Should’ve just read the brochure in the hotel room.”
Umm .. Sorry Olivia .. You might be unfreakingbelievably gorgeous and just about the coolest chick on TV, but you just lost points babe. “Just read the brochure?” Oh please!
Anyone can read about history. But, actually seeing it first hand and exploring it all in person is the way to really experience it. Just reading the brochure when all the great stuff is right outside your door, is totally missing out.
But, back to the book …
In “The Wordy Shipmates” … actually, should I be underlining book titles or are the quotes correct? I’ve really been wondering about that lately.
Anyhoodle, “The Wordy Shipmates” is about the Pilgrims who came to America way back in the day. No, not those Pilgrims. Not the ones that came over on the Mayflower. These Pilgrims came over on the Arbella and settled the Massachusetts Bay Colony (Bahston) and Rhode Island. The Puritans.
Turns out these Puritans did a great job of documenting everything that was going on, hence the name of the book. Most of the book is focused on their leader John Winthrop and his writings. The writing she talks about most is Winthrop’s sermon “A Model of Christian Charity.” This is where we get the phrase “A shining city on a hill” to describe the United States. Well, initially it was jut Massachusetts that he described that way, but you might have heard a few politicians (like all of them) use this phrase from time to time.
Like her other books Vowells wanders from time to time. Heading off on tangents discussing how wrong “The Brady Bunch” and “Happy Days” and others have been over the years about the Puritans. But, as usual she eventually ties all the loose ends together and makes her point.
I will warn you though, if you are a fan of Ronald Reagan or George W. Bush, you might get annoyed from time to time in this book. Sarah is known for her social commentary, and let’s just say her commentary leans pretty hard to the left. Much more so in this book than in “Assassination Vacation.” But, if you can toss that aside and just enjoy the book, you will enjoy yourself quite a bit. And you just might learn a few cool things too.
Well since Friday is Independence Day here in America, I don’t know how much action there will be here in the neighborhood. So, I thought I’d do a couple of meme.
The first person I saw do this one was Avitable. I don’t think he really intended for it to end up being a meme, but I’ve seen it on many, many blogs the last couple of weeks. Most recently by Malcolm. I had been intending to do it before now, but had other things to do.
Anyway, Entertainment Weekly has come out with a list of the “New Classics.” It’s the 100 best films of the last 25 years. So, we’re talking since 1983 here.
I’ve bolded the movies I’ve seen and put one star next the one’s I liked and two next to the one’s I REALLY liked. I also added a bit of commentary to some of them, including the movies I didn’t like.
1. Pulp Fiction (1994) ** (It really bugs me that Vincent Vega was such a fucking amateur that he would leave his MP5 on the counter when he went to take a dump. If I were a trained assassin I would always take my weapon with me to the shitter.)
2. The Lord of the Rings trilogy (2001-03) 3. Titanic (1997) (I’ve actually not seen all of this movie. I just couldn’t make it all the way through.)
4. Blue Velvet (1986) 5. Toy Story (1995)** 6. Saving Private Ryan (1998)** 7. Hannah and Her Sisters (1986) 8. The Silence of the Lambs (1991)** 9. Die Hard (1988)** 10. Moulin Rouge (2001) 11. This Is Spinal Tap (1984)* 12. The Matrix (1999) 13. GoodFellas (1990)** 14. Crumb (1995) 15. Edward Scissorhands (1990)** 16. Boogie Nights (1997)* (Heather Grahm will forever be the naked chick on roller skates to me.)
17. Jerry Maguire (1996) 18. Do the Right Thing (1989)* 19. Casino Royale (2006)** (Daniel Craig was a wayyyyy better 007 than I thought he’d be.)
20. The Lion King (1994) 21. Schindler's List (1993) 22. Rushmore (1998) 23. Memento (2001) 24. A Room With a View (1986) 25. Shrek (2001)** 26. Hoop Dreams (1994)** 27. Aliens (1986) 28. Wings of Desire (1988) 29. The Bourne Supremacy (2004)** 30. When Harry Met Sally... (1989)** 31. Brokeback Mountain (2005) (Ha! I’ve never met a straight guy who would ever admit to watching this movie. Well, actually I just watched (most of) it on Bravo. It didn’t suck (hehe .. get it? “Suck?” They were gay? Ehem ... anyway) but it wasn’t that great either. Heath Ledger was really good in it though.
32. Fight Club (1999)** 33. The Breakfast Club (1985)** 34. Fargo (1996)** (The Coen Brothers rock.)
35. The Incredibles (2004)* 36. Spider-Man 2 (2004) 37. Pretty Woman (1990) (I hated this movie more than I can even explain.)
38. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004) Meh 39. The Sixth Sense (1999)** 40. Speed (1994)* 41. Dazed and Confused (1993) 42. Clueless (1995) (I’m almost ashamed to admit that I’ve actually seen this movie a few times.)
43. Gladiator (2000)** (A Spanish Gladiator who speaks with an Australian accent? Okay.)
44. The Player (1992) 45. Rain Man (1988)* 46. Children of Men (2006) 47. Men in Black (1997)** 48. Scarface (1983)** 49. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (2000) 50. The Piano (1993) 51. There Will Be Blood (2007)* 52. The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad (1988)* 53. The Truman Show (1998)* 54. Fatal Attraction (1987) 55. Risky Business (1983) (Rebecca de Mornay was quite a wonderful sight for a 15 year-old young man!)
56. The Lives of Others (2006) 57. There’s Something About Mary (1998) (The only reason I watched this movie was for Cameron Diaz.)
58. Ghostbusters (1984)** 59. L.A. Confidential (1997)** 60. Scream (1996) (I prefer I Know What You Did Last Summer. I think that’s because of the presence of Jennifer Love Hewitt in IKWYDLS.
61. Beverly Hills Cop (1984)** 62. sex, lies and videotape (1989) (Ho-Hum) 63. Big (1988)* 64. No Country For Old Men (2007)** 65. Dirty Dancing (1987) (Baby needs to go get in the corner and freaking stay there.)
66. Natural Born Killers (1994)** 67. Donnie Brasco (1997)* 68. Witness (1985) 69. All About My Mother (1999) 70. Broadcast News (1987)** 71. Unforgiven (1992)** 72. Thelma & Louise (1991) 73. Office Space (1999)** 74. Drugstore Cowboy (1989) 75. Out of Africa (1985) 76. The Departed (2006)** 77. Sid and Nancy (1986) 78. Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)** 79. Waiting for Guffman (1996) 80. Michael Clayton (2007) (meh) 81. Moonstruck (1987)** 82. Lost in Translation (2003) (I thought this movie was incredibly boring. And, by the end of it I was sick and tired of Scarlett Johansson. OMG did I really just type that last line?)
83. Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn (1987) 84. Sideways (2004) (I haven’t seen the whole movie. I didn’t find it as clever as so many people said it was. Maybe it’s just me though.)
85. The 40 Year-Old Virgin (2005) 86. Y Tu Mamá También (2002) 87. Swingers (1996) 88. Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997)** 89. Breaking the Waves (1996) 90. Napoleon Dynamite (2004) 91. Back to the Future (1985)** 92. Menace II Society (1993) 93. Ed Wood (1994) 94. Full Metal Jacket (1987)** (WHAT IS YOU MAJOR MALFUNCTION NUMBNUTS?)
95. In the Mood for Love (2001) 96. Far From Heaven (2002) 97. Glory (1989) 98. The Talented Mr. Ripley (1999) 99. The Blair Witch Project (1999) 100. South Park: Bigger Longer & Uncut (1999)
I would say that Casino, The Gangs of New York, The Untouchables and Jurassic Park should have been on that list too. And maybe Clerks.
The rules are: Grab the book nearest to you and open to page 123. Find the fifth sentence and write down the next three sentences and then tag 5 other people.
“When the strips are pleasantly golden brown and the bubbles start to slow noticeably, spread the strips on a draining rack and immediately season with salt and pepper.
Start peeling the next batch into the water, and repeat. The oil will be back up to temperature and ready to by the time you are.”
That was from “I’m Just Here For the Food” by Alton Brown.
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And since Friday is Independence Day here in America, I thought I’d leave you with a couple of videos. The first is the trailer to “Gonzo.” This is the documentary about Hunter S. Tompson, a Great American, that is being released on July 4.
The second video is my favorite patriotic song. “America the Beautiful” performed by the late, great Ray Charles....
