Among The Living

A lot of people are dying in my circles lately - it's strange. Sisters of friends, parents of friends... I received word week before last that my childhood babysitter was diagnosed with a fast growing cancer so I drove down to Provo to say goodbye. It's always strange to say goodbye to someone you love when you know it is for the last time in this physical life. What do you say? "I love you... Thanks for loving me... Are you scared... Don't be... What are your favorite memories of our time together... What are mine... Do you remember when... I'll see you soon..."

Yep. All of the above. You hug and laugh and cry and stare into one another's eyes a lot. She asked me to sing to her. I did. Then she asked me to sing that same song at her funeral. I agreed. She died last Saturday night and today I drove down to the chapel in Provo and sang for her the songs she had requested - My Turn on Earth and Angel Lullaby (the lullaby that my mom wrote for me while I was in her belly) from Mom's play "My Turn on Earth." I was cocky and thought that I wouldn't cry but standing above her casket a flood of childhood memories washed over me and I was emotional from start to finish.

This woman had watched over me as a child. She had played the piano and hide and seek with me. She put flowers on my sister's grave every year. She was only, like, 56years old. She had a constant smile that masked a hundred pains that I'm not sure how many people in her life actually knew about. And she is the only person that I know who loved chocolate more than I do.

Often when someone dies it is natural that we think about death. And life. The best story was told today. When my friend was about five years old, her family moved to a new town. She wanted to have a birthday party but her mother told her it would be hard because they had just moved there and they didn't know anyone. You can't really have a party with no friends. She left the house and came back about an hour later followed by several neighbors. "Mom, these are my new friends. Can I have my party now?"

Why do I so often forget lessons I learned long ago - and continue to learn over and over and over? If life is lacking something I want - go out and get it. Make it. Meet it. Create it. Demand it. Don't rest until I have it. In the spiritual adventure I find myself on, I spend more time with the dead than the living. I focus more on life before and life after than I do on life right now. Funny. And not.

Note To Self: Stop being so fascinated by near death experiences. Focus on having a near life experience instead. Just a thought.