Indiana Jones swings into mediocrity

Toward the end of Indiana Jones IV, a bearded, half-crazy archaeologist quotes Ralph Waldo Emerson: “How much of human life is lost in waiting?” he asks.

Thinking of the 19 years between Indy III and IV, I realized then that waiting wasn’t so bad at all, not when Indy’s return was this: an over-produced, over-written and over-animated bastardization of the Indiana Jones saga. That may seem harsh — as a fan of Indy, it hurts just to type it — but this fourth installment will split fans of the series in dramatic ways. Most will simply love it or hate it, with no middle ground in between. I’ve made concessions for both, although my first reaction was tremendous disappointment.

Everyone is back in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull: Harrison Ford is Dr. Henry Jones, Steven Spielberg is directing, George Lucas is producing, and the characters of Marcus Brody and Henry Jones Sr. might be dead but their photos smile from the edge of Indy’s office desk. Even Karen Allen, who played the wily Marion Ravenwood in Raiders of the Lost Ark, makes a spirited, albeit unnecessary, comeback. One major replacement: The Nazis, long-time villains of Dr. Jones, have been swapped for the Red Scare, boot-stomping Commie Soviets — Nazis in red.

They all converge on the fable of El Dorado, the City of Gold, which may have been home to a powerful skull carved from a single piece of crystal that has magnetic, and possibly supernatural, powers. The skull looks like one of H.R. Giger’s creations (that’s a spoiler if you know what else Giger has created). The skull is not so much a religious artifact, such as the Ark of the Covenant or Holy Grail, as it is a science fiction relic for the likes of Buck Rogers or Han Solo. Indy wants the skull the way all archaeologists want rare artifacts; the Commie scourge, led by a rapier-wielding nutjob with a bob haircut named Spalko (Cate Blanchett), wants it because it may provide the key to all the knowledge in the universe. Apparently Tiffany’s crystal skulls are just for decoration or they’d all just order one from a catalog.

The first hour of the film is a joyous thrill ride, classic Indy through and through. Showing its new sci-fi slant, Crystal Skull begins at Area 51 in a warehouse full of crates we’ve seen before. Indy, a little older and much creakier, still throws a mean punch, and his whip can still magically attach to anything it’s snapped at. Action launches, literally, from the secret military base until Indy finds himself in a house full of mannequins, and the streets outside are lined with loudspeakers blasting last-minute warnings about eye protection — “That can’t be good,” he says ducking into an icebox. It’s not good, and what he ducks from is a surprise so splendid that I won’t spoil it further.

But later the film takes a strange couple of turns. After a terrific stunt-heavy motorcycle chase through Indy’s university, where Indy meets greaser Mutt Williams (Shia LaBeouf in a James Dean-approved ducktail), the film seems to flick on auto-pilot to coast through the motions. What goes down is this: obligatory capture, interrogation and escape scenes happen several times; a sequence with a jungle python that is downright ridiculous; and Mutt swinging on vines Tarzan-style through the trees, an episode that is so far fetched I felt like throwing bananas at the screen. Indiana Jones films may be all about campy adventure, but it was always somewhat plausible adventure. Now it’s just campy, but with none of the class.

And what gives, Steven?!?! The director said in interviews that all the stunts would be real people on real locations. It’s obvious they’re computer-rendered, green-screened studio setups. The main scene in question is a jeep chase down a windy jungle path. It’s thrilling — watch how the characters switch jeeps about every 100 yards — although, it feels different in tone and style to all the other Indy movies, which were actually filmed in real deserts and jungles. The scene ends with the jeeps crashing into fields of fire ants, which provide the big squirm-in-your-seat moment that all the films have.

Several chases eventually culminate into a big reveal with the crystal skull that had me furious — I kept thinking, “How could they end it with this?!?” I can’t dissect it here, but the ending, maybe even the last hour, needed some serious work. Also consider a plot hole I would love answered: How many skulls were lost at the beginning of the movie? The CCCP has one, as does a character played by John Hurt, but the end of the movie only features one. Somewhere a skull floats in another dimension. As does the legacy of Indiana Jones, sacrificed here for fake action and boring archaeological secrets.

Watching Kingdom of the Crystal Skull should really make you re-evaluate the earlier films: Why did you like them? At any point were they too farfetched? Were the original movies really that good? If Skull does anything it might make you reconsider Temple of Doom, the movie that most people like the least. After Crystal Skull’s meandering path to its ridiculous conclusion, I found myself appreciating Doom in entirely new ways; it may have been a darker film, but it stayed true to Indy and delivered the action in true Indy fashion. Nothing can top Raiders of the Lost Ark or Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, though, which is maybe why some will dislike this fourth entry — nothing can be as good.

It might be contending against impossibly better films, but that doesn’t give Crystal Skull reason to sleep on the job, which is what it does. As it stands right now, it’s on par with any of the Tomb Raider movies or the first National Treasure, both of which were created using leftover Indiana Jones DNA, both of which are mediocre adventure films at best.

Don’t get the wrong idea, though: parts of Crystal Skull are electric, dazzling and filled with imagination and wonder. Other parts are blah. And before this movie, blah wasn’t in Dr. Jones’ or Steven Spielberg’s vocabulary.


I Spy a Goof
Well, maybe it's not a goof if the director intends the goof to stay in the film, and if Indiana Jones is really based on adventure serials then his films should be a poorly constructed to a certain degree. Decide for yourself with this photo of Cate Blanchett rappelling down cliff. Her Commie cohorts are holding onto ropes and nothing else, but Caity is is also being held up by two other ropes or cables. These extra lines aren't just in the photos; I remember them from the movie as well.

***This review will appear in the West Valley View May 23, 2008.***