Rapture Checklist

Everyone is talking about the Rapture. If you've been busy watching Jersey Shore, let me fill you in. Rapture is Judgment Day. It is the day that the heavens will open up and the Christians will be lifted up to heaven to live in eternal peace with Jesus. So, all you Jews, Muslims, and Tom Cruise fans - you're basically screwed.

There has been a lot of controversy about when Judgment Day would happen. 1526? 1610? 1866? 1984? 2000? What year was Martin O'Malley elected? That certainly made some people feel like it was the end of the world.

So now many are claiming that May 21st will be the end. It will start with earthquakes that will round the globe, destroying the continents, killing the masses, and virtually ending the Middle-East peace talks. It will destroy the world through the time zones at 6 o'clock. I'm not sure if that's am or pm, or daylight savings time or standard time. Will the end of the world happen an hour later in Arizona? (they don't follow daylight savings time)

With this end of the world things coming, it got me thinking. What do I need to do before I'm raised to my maker, or sent to have a seat next to Hitler, Osama bin Laden, and Aaron Burr? If I'm sent to hell, do I have to sit next to Keith Olbermann? That would suck.

So here's a list of everything I need to accomplish before the end of the world tomorrow:

1) Cut the lawn
2) cut those lower hanging branches on the tree out front
3) wash the Honda
4) clean the fish tank
5) make out with Reese Witherspoon
6) fly an airplane
7) lose 25 pounds
8) have a beer with Tom Selleck
9) visit Vancouver
10) finish reading Red by Sammy Hagar
11) get a lower back massage by Sheryl Crow
12) refill the propane tank for the grill
13) replace and rotate the rear tires on the van
14) finish watching Season 4 of 30 Rock
15) eat the rest of the turkey in the frig before it goes bad

Once I get those things accomplished I'll feel much better. Can't leave those things left open-ended. What do you need to do before the end of the world?

Futurama Returns!!!

In what could be the greatest announcement imaginable, outside of Martin O'Malley's resignation or Reese Witherspoon casting me to star in a porn with her, 20th Century Fox Television announced today that Futurama will return in 2010 with 26 new episodes.

The highly acclaimed (but seldom watched) show will return to the tube after it's successful run of straight to DVD movies and reruns on Comedy Central.

I don't think I could be more excited. I told my wife and she seemed to be thrilled as well, but she may have been trying to fake it. She had that 'thrilled to pluck out my eye' look on her face. Oh, well. It's coming back and I'm watching it.

Separated at Birth, Joined By My Lust

Is it just me, or do Reese Witherspoon and Megan Joy from American Idol look like could be separated at birth? Everyone who knows me knows that I have a slight thing for Reese, so the idea of 2 of them is more than doubly-exciting. Pass me a stick of Double-Mint gum!!!