"Arthur Paul Pedrick was a prolific British inventor who filed for 162 United Kingdom patents between 1962 and his death in 1976. His inventions were notable for their almost complete lack of practical applicability."
Arthur Paul Pedrick retired as a patent examiner for the UK Patent Office in 1962, and began filing patent applications. There are quite a lot of them, and they include "SWINGING, OR SUSPENDED, MULTI-DECK CITIES" (GB1203166, August 1970), "IMPROVEMENTS IN THE FLIGHT DIRECTION AND LOCATION OF GOLF BALLS" (GB1121630, July 1968), the relatively prosaic "AUTOMATIC BOOT & SHOE CLEANING MACHINE" (GB992921, May 1965), and "SONAR PULSE EMITTING SUBMARINE CABLE FOR GUIDANCE OF SURFACE AND SUBMARINE VESSELS, AND THEIR DETECTION WITH SPECIAL REFERENCE TO AN INVESTIGATION OF THE LOCH NESS MONSTER" (GB1206580, September 1970).
The lasting impression is of Wallace & Gromit as drafted by Borges.
From the latter: "Since this problem of the "Monster", must represent one of the principal unsolved "mysteries of science", now that it is known the Moon is not made of green cheese, it is proposed that a comprehensive sweep of the loch be ade, from one end to the other, as indicated by the arrows in figure 24, using equipment generally similar to that in figures 16 to 23. [...]
"If any object that might definitely be the "monster", could be located, it could be investigated more closely by courageous "frogmen", and it might be driven gently to one end of teh loch by a sweep of closely spaced cables, alternate cables being given an electrical potential, which would give the "monster" a very mild electric shock, to get its "cooperation", in a manner, which would not be objectionable to the RSPCA, [Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals] such apparatus being indicated in figures 29 and 30."
Arthur Pedrick, not insane, created with great care and deliberation patent applications for inventions he knew could not, would not work. His insightful manipulation of patent law, specifically in the composition of his applications, is the key reason so many of his applications were accepted.
Apparently, Pedrick's applications are commonly studied as demonstrations of loopholes and important details in patent law. I don't know the first thing about any of that, though.
It seems fair to think of Pedrick as playing a strange game with his former livelihood, somewhere between Bartleby and Professor Branestawm. Allowing for erratic punctuation, the flashes of black humour visible through his many applications makes for rewarding reading:
From "CRUCIFORM, KITE AND PARACHUTE AIRCRAFT" (GB1204649, December 1969): "It is certainly true that all forms and types of heavier-than-air craft are likely, from time to time, to go out of control and hit the ground violently."
Ibid., "To effect an emergency ... descent by giving the aircraft, as a whole, a parachute like form, the control cables 4 are completely released, so that the springiness in cables 3, causes them to fly out away from centre, and the aerodynamic forces operative below the curtains 5, will, it is hoped, expand them out like parachutes..."
I like the "it is hoped".
Elsewhere in his work, Pedrick becomes thoughtfully concerned with the inadequacies of humankind, as well as an apparent personal difficulty with the consistency of his golfing.
From (GB1203166, February 1970): "This invention is concerned, in general, with the future well being of the species "homo sapiens", and in particular, with the design or construction of cities or large "connurbations".
"The species "homo sapients" is basically, but not always, gregarious and is often herded together at high surface density in what are called "cities". To accommodate more people such cities have tended to expand laterally, as in the case of London, or vertically, as in the case of New York. In neither case is this very efficient since the spread of a city laterally, like London, absorbs land that otherwise is arable, or useful for agricultural purposes, whereas the building of very high structures as in Manhattan in New York requires a journey to ground level to pass from the top of one such structure, such as the Empire State Building, to the top of, for example, the Pan Am building."
Ibid., "Furthermore, since both the species and the self propelled vehicles, it uses for transport, are oxygen breathing, and all this oxygen has, generally, to be produced by plants through the action of photosynthesis, it is at least possible that the continued growth in numbers of the species, and reduction in arable areas due to the horizontal spread of cities, could result in the species suffocating itself to death by causing a serious imbalance in consumption and generation of oxygen in the atmosphere, although this is not an immediate danger."
At times a more sombre note is introduced, as in "IMPROVEMENTS IN ARRANGEMENTS FOR INITIATING A CONTROLLED FUSION REACTION USING DEUTERIUM AND TRITIUM PELLETS IN IMPLODING BULLETS FED WITH POWERFUL LASER BEAM PULSES" (GB1329297, September 1974), which includes these autobiographical notes:
"It is my personal experience based on a severe bout of Dive bombing by Stuka dive bombers in a light cruiser HMS "Dido", in 1941, evacuating mainly New Zealanders from Crete, who had been sent in by the late Sir Winston Churchill, but who, after the battle with the Nazi paratroops had made the island untenable, Admiral Cunningham, the Naval C in C in Alexandria, realised must be got out if possible, that the surface warships just cannot survive attacks by large numbers of aircraft, on their own, and it is only the chance of fate that I happened to be in After Engine Room of the ship, when a bomb came down on B turret and created a carnage of twisted steel and bodies forward, that I am writing this now, but the memory of the experience still gives me a "nightmare" at times."
"I have suffered all my life even from a by product of the 1914-18 war even if I was born after it. It is a personal fact that my father was a Lieutenant (E) serving in the disastrous K class submarines, by which the Royal Navy tried to create a Submarine which could steam on the surface at 20 knots to keep up with the Fleet, and he died of a lung infection created by the appalling conditions in such submarines, even before I was born. If a women [sic] is in bad metal [sic] state when she is in pregnant, it is obvious that she can pass on her state of mind to the foetus. This has made me a nervous individual all my life, and there are many times in my life I wish I had never been born. There are endless arguments about the subject of abortion on the "rights of the foetus", and these could all be settled if, in some way, the future could be predicted for the foetus and it could decide whether it "wanted to be born"."
A.P. Pedrick lived, as each of his applications reminds us, at 77 Hillfield Road, Selsey, Sussex. In the fullness of time, this location assumed grander titles. The "Hillfield Road, One Man Think-Tank Radiation Research Laboratory", for instance, is the title given in Pedrick's justly celebrated patent for a "PHOTON PUSH-PULL RADIATION DETECTOR FOR USE IN CHROMATICALLY SELECTIVE CAT FLAP CONTROL AND 1,000 MEGATON, EARTH-ORBITAL, PEACE-KEEPING BOMB" (GB1426698, April 1974).
GB1426698 begins in reasonable enough form, with an overview of the Crooke's radiometer and Einstein's 1905 Nobel-winning paper on the photoelectric effect, before pressing on into uncharted waters by postulating a new theory of the composition of a photon. This is expounded in two sides of exceptionally sadistic waffling, eventually arriving at the assertion that a mechanical device can be built to detect the colour of something, which allows Pedrick to design an automated cat flap that admits his own cat, Ginger, who is elderly and ginger, without admitting his neighbour's cat, who is black and much younger and often eats Ginger's food.
However, all of this is more or less set aside by the end of page 3, as Pedrick devotes a further couple of pages to documenting a conversation with his cat.
Ginger is of the opinion that there is an even better application for the photosensitive control. By way of a lengthy argument about the folly of nuclear brinksmanship, Ginger points out the same principle can be used in the construction of an Earth-orbiting Doomsday Device that will respond to any visible detonation of "H bomb carrying rockets" to "fall upon that part of the Earth's surface from which the nuclear attack had originated."
"But, of course, went on Ginger, because you won't believe what Jesus Christ told you about "loving each other", you also don't trust each other, or, if you like, your governments don't, which is perhaps understandable with two murderous World Wars since 1900. But, of course, if all your nuclear energy was used for peaceful purposes, instead of a large part of it being stored for blowing each other to bits with H bombs and the like, you could all save a hell of a lot of money, which would help to stop World Inflation and might even bring down the price of tinned cat food."
Finally, Pedrick's whimsical broadsides directed at other, more widely-recognised members of his former profession are not to be overlooked:
Not a shaggy dog story, not a figure of ridicule. If Pedrick didn't exist, it would have been necessary to invent him.
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p.s. Hey. Whenever The Dreadful Flying Glove makes us a guest-post, can the sublime be far behind? No. In fact, I'll venture to say it's a photo finish. Please enjoy his doings and the blog's return/ survival this weekend. And thank you heavily, Mr, Glove. So, yeah, the blog was a goner for a while there. All I know to tell you is that some Blogger techie pushed the wrong button or something while the company was doing routine maintenance, and every blog it hosts immediately died inside for the next almost 30 hours. The only damage on mine is that (1) all of the original comments got wiped from Misanthrope's post as well as the majority of comments from the Varioso post, and (2) three future posts I'd just spent hours upon hours building disappeared forever, so I'll get to spend part of my weekend rebuilding them. Otherwise, I think we're good to go again. ** Dennis Cooper, There's something about your flat yet chirpy tone that really bugs me. ** Bernard Welt, And hello to you, sir. How may I help you? ** David Ehrenstein, Hello, David! ** A.r., Really? About that Nickas show? Awesome. I'll go see that asap, meaning almost for sure today. I'll take pix even. You want to see them? ** CyCyLoLo, Hey, my dear friends! Yay!, as Bieber himself probably says on occasion. It's loveliness to see you, and even more lovely to have actually seen you in person. How is southern France treating you? ** Colin, Hey. Yeah, Blogger had a massive freak out there, and here got swept up in it. How are you? ** Bollo, I'm sure it was far more than mildly amusing, fear not. Glad to hear 'The Stranger' held up its half of the bargain. I might have to crack that title again. How did you break your headphones? Mine always fray and ultimately break off at the plug. ** The Dreadful Flying Glove, There you are. Thank you. I love this post. Microwaved Byrds Wig would make a great ... something. It's so close to a Pollard title that I can almost hear the tune, and, guess what, the tune is genius! ** _Black_Acrylic, Hey, Ben. I can tell you what I did during the great Blogger blackout. I sat here at my computer hitting the Refresh button with one hand while holding a smoky cigarette in the other. Yeah, nice to be back. ** Steevee, I care that your lightbulb works, and, yes, keep those hands dry. Sorry to hear about the Bigelow interview cancellation, but surely IndieWIRE has had that kind of thing happen a lot and knows enough not to point at you. ** Schlix, Hi, Uli. I see what you mean about the forest in that video. Ours is better though, ha ha. Or weirder at least. My first thought on the blog mess was, yes, that Misanthrope devilishness and my indulgence of it had finally taken its toll, but, strangely, the post was the least of Blogger's worries. Have a great trip through southern Germany! ** 'Matt', Excellent! Very excellent! Re: your success! Sure, I want to read it. Naturally, happily. Yes. Gosh, you still have some stuff left to do. Melies and Brakhage is a wonderful combo/idea. What's the art project? Wow, that video of you and brothers performing is killer. Where do your many talents end exactly? Okay, that deserves an embed. Everyone, d.l. 'Matt' not only uses that big, exciting brain of his to think and write and devise art, he also puts it together with the brains of his male siblings who then remove their shirts, add musical instruments, and play rocking jams. To celebrate both 'Matt's' accomplishments and the blog's survival, I have embedded a video of the 'Matt' brothers rocking out for your pleasure at the bottom the p.s. Please, if you need any encouragement, play it. Oh, and might I add that you guys did a killer version of 'Such Great Heights' in that other vid. Very nice. Oh, shit, I'm blanking: what is OFWGKTA? ** Schoolboyerrors, Hey. Nice you see you, man, natch. (1) Oh, are you coming to the opening, I asked hopefully? (2) It is. (3) The book is full of such fun as that. (4) Very pleased to hear that, obviously, being a contender for Trecartin fan #1. (5) Chicago, as far as I know. (6) Yeah, see, I just assumed that everyone likes that cover as much as I do. Just goes to show you something. (7) Best to you too, pal. ** Chilly Jay Chill, Hi, Jeff. Oh, really fantastic about that Cortazar post! Thank you so much! Sounds amazing! Yeah, I agree with you about 'Palermo or Wolfsburg'. It's wonderful, one of very Schroeter's best, I think. I haven't seen much lately. Arte showed Christophe Honore's 'Les chansons d'amour', which I love, so I watched that again. I just put together a Chris Marker post, and that occasioned watching his '2084', 'La Jetee', and 'Pictures at an Exhibition', the last of which I hadn't seen before. Mostly, I'm waiting for the imminent post-Cannes release of the new Malick, Bruno Dumont, and Woody Allen, so I'll have seen stuff in a week or so. ** Sypha, Hey. Yeah, I'm glad the bad news thing made sense. He just sounds way too tricky. ** Little foal, Hi, Darren! I was sort of the opposite, i.e. I quite liked 'Volta' because I wasn't so into 'Medulla', although I didn't end up listening to 'Volta' all that many times for some reason. I'm pretty curious and excited about 'Biophilia', both the music and the whole multi-media extravaganza aspect of it. Super promising. Nice that you get to see Tori Amos, loving her as you do. Very cool. (i) 'The Finish Line' is an early draft of what ended up being a section of 'The Sluts', so I guess that section of 'The Sluts' is the complete or final version of it. That part was the only survivor of an early version of 'The Sluts' that I ended up trashing. (ii) Mm, I think I've only read a piece or two of Woody Allen's fiction in, like, The New Yorker or somewhere. I remember liking what I read. Okay, yeah, I'll hunt down his 'Complete Prose' book. Thanks! (iii) I do remember your friend's book, sure, and I don't mind the wait at all, and I'm very interested and exciting to get to read it. Thanks even more! I guess there's no way you can come down for the opening of 'The Weaklings' show, is there? It's not like where you are is right next door to London. Just idly wishing that could happen, you know. I'll take lots of pix at least. Wonderful stuff, Darren, of course, and much love to you. ** Oliver, The US is amazing right now for great indie and micro presses, so yeah. Very good idea. Someone just the other day was telling me that the indie press situation in the UK is just starting to pick up and get exciting. Hm, I'll try to remember who told me that and get some names for you if I do. Please do take me up on the offer at the drop of a hat. I'd be very happy to help out in any way I can. ** Paul Curran, Hey. We were offline too until late yesterday, so good timing. How is everything going? Let me know when you get a chance please. ** Chris Cochrane, Hi, C. Well, we'll see on the Serge thing. There's movement and momentum at least, and there are some promising signs. I like the McGuire album, as I guess you know. Yeah, send that upsetting Sarah-related thing. Great weekend, pal. ** Andrew, The Blogger blackout started on the 12th, but god knows Friday the 13th's evil has no respect for humans' arbitrary division of time into days and dates. Glad to hear you wrote! Anything is a start. Keep going. ** Statictick, Hi, man. 2:1 Gallery, okay, cool, I'll see if there's anything googleable about it. That Celiac disease/wheat gluten conspiracy thing sounds vaguely familiar, but I haven't checked into it. What's the deal? I eat wheat gluten almost every day, so ... gulp? ** Michael_Karo, Hello, Michael. That was some dream. Well, both of the dreams, but the Bieber one is positively scandalous. It's strange, but I just don't get the cooch appeal of him at all. I don't even get the kootchy kootchy koo appeal. He's just cultural signage to me. No hate no love, just hunh. ** Misanthrope, Oh, the honor was just barely all mine, sir. You played with fire sans burning once again. But the future is still young, and you are most definitely you. ** Okay. I hand you back to The Dreadful Flying Glove now. Happiness awaits. May your weekends make you proud. See you in a couple.
The Ocean (Live Pt 3)
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