The Bastard is Back!

I’m sure you guys have all been wondering what I’ve been up to during my Hiatus.  Well, I decided to double up on David Letterman and instead of doing a Top Ten List, I’ll show off my awesome creative skillz and do a Top Twenty List…

Top Twenty things Jay did while on hiatus:

1. Formed a band called "Stripper Lovers" and recorded a song titled "Love on the Lap Dance Couch"

2. Participated in an "Amish for a Month" program.

3. Solved world hunger ... told nobody.

4. Drank lots of beer hoping that it would fill the void that the blogging hiatus left in his life.

5. Started wearing a suit everyday, smoking and drinking martinis with lunch and hitting on every single woman he met while calling her things like "dear" and "sweetheart" all because he got a little too obsessed with the countdown to season four of "Mad Men."


“We drink because it’s good. Because it feels better than unbuttoning your collar. Because we deserve it. We drink because it’s what men do.” – Roger Sterling



6. Jazzercize.  Lots and lots of Jazzercize.

7. Meditating and thinking about philosophical issues and his place in the grand scheme of things.

8. Practiced his cornhole skills just in case he gets challenged to a serious match sometime.

9. Watched marathons of "Hannah Montana," "The Suite Life" “The Hills” “Gossip Girl” and "iCarly." Then got out the DVDs of old “Lizzy McGuire” and various Olsen Twins videos.

10. Practiced his stalking skills to keep them sharp so he can go out and stalk some of his favorite hawt bloggers.

11. Got a sweet new metal detector and wandered the beaches looking for treasure.

12. Went on hunger strike until Lindsay Lohan was released from jail.

13. Provided clean syringes for all the competitors at the Tour de France.

14. Put on the Viking Helmet and went out pillaging and plundering every night.  

15. Went hiking on the Appalachian Trail w/ Gov. Mark Sanford.

16. Spent 18 hours a day preparing for fantasy football season.

17. Went on a trip to India to take special “Kama Sutra for One” classes.

18. Yodeling lessons.

19. Tried out for Justin Bieber's back up dancers, "The Bieberettes."


And the twentieth thing that Jay did while on hiatus ….

Stared at his computer screen thinking “I should write up a bunch of posts and get way ahead for when I come back from my hiatus” and then said “Nahhhh .. Fuck It.”