allergy season, i can feel it in the wind.

I finally ordered my boutiner (sp?). I decided cream with gold ribbon to match my dress. So no prom worries except for asking for extra money from my parents. Every time I bring up the subject of prom my mom gets very huffy and puffy. She just gets mad I am spending money but I rarely spent any money. I feel worse because I didn't spend that much money compared to my date. I feel bad just for asking money for paying for my AP tests. And I am only spending $15 because I got the reduced amount because I get free lunch. But still taking three AP tests. When my mom gave me the money she just gave me another lecture how I better do well because of the money I waste. When it comes to talk to my parents about school, it gives me a headache. It makes me want to hyperventilate. Just thinking about the stress makes it hard for me to breathe. I get very annoyed of the lectures my parents give me about my education. I know I am not numero uno in the class or even close to top ten, but I try. I have been feeling very stupid lately. I can't even get an A in Spanish 3. I feel like a loser. It is very depressing.

Anyways. So we just read Catcher in the Rye in AP English 11 and it is a pretty interesting book. I can relate to Holden to some extent but I really hated how critical he was about everyone around him. What gives him the right to call everyone "phonies" ? But I think he is a pretty interesting character. It is a hilarious read at some moments. But I think one line that stood out to me particulary at the moment I was reading was when Holden is describing this old museum he used to go to all the time when he was a kid. The museum never changed but

...the only thing that would be different would be you. Not that you'd be so much older or anything. It wouldnt be that, exactly. you'd just be different, that's all. You'd have an overcoat on this time. Or..you'd have a substitute taking the class, instead of Miss Algetinger...Or you'd just passed by one of those puddles in the street with gasoline rainbows in them. I mean you'd be different in some way--I can't explain what I mean. And even if I could, I'm not sure I'd feel like it.

Do I have a place like that? A place where time has stopped still and left it as it is but the only thing that has changed is me? Haha. That of course reminds me of the story of where I saw my old house with my mom and it wasn't the same. The house I had grown up for almost five years (not long but seems long) during my adolescence was gone. It was still there. But the new owners had changed it to a place that did not look like home to me. It was quite sad. Like a part of me had died. Like Holden I can't explain what it meant when I saw my house that was no longer mine. It was like I felt that though I had forgotten that house, that past, and the memories. They were still there and I excepted them to remain the same. But unlike Holden, I don't have a place that stays the same. But I do have a home. That is what Holden didn't have. I have a place to call home.

And gasoline rainbows. I kind of know what he meant. I think it is a really unique way to describe it though. Have you ever seen puddles made by gasoline from those gas pipes on the bottom of cars? Well of course because of the light and all that reflective crap, it makes rainbows in the gasoline. I remember seeing those. I remember when rainbows were actually magical. When I was fascinated by them and I wondered what luck it could bring me by seeing one. Haha I remember that day a week or so back that Sacramento had some rain, and that big rainbow came out. It was the hugest rainbow I had seen. My sister was like "wow, that was amazing". But guess what. I ruined it. I was like "yeah well rainbows are actually not magical, they are made from blah blah blah". WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME. WHERE HAS MY CHILDHOOD GONE? WHERE HAS MY SENSE OF IMAGINATION GONE? I am slowly becoming a lifeless being who only breathes and lives by trying to have good grades, who looks like a perfect being on the outside, who is trying to please everyone, at the same time trying to please herself by trying to fit herself into an ideal. I am a sad child. But don't worry. I am fine. I am normal. I am still on ground. Though I can worry up a storm. There are those few moments when I know I am enjoying myself and I can enjoy that moment without worry. Only those few moments to myself is when I begin to worry. Just being by myself can be scary. Then everything rushes into my mind.


But yeah I have been pretty tired this week. I feel asleep the last two nights reading Catcher in the Rye to try and finish it before the Socratic Seminar today. Even though I went to bed considerably early at 10pm. I still felt tired. And today I sacrificed my sleeping in to take that EAP test. It was pretty easy but I need sleep. And next week I have to do AP US and AP English full length ap practice tests on the days we get to "sleep in" if we are not taking CASHEE testing but I won't be sleeping in. And AP Chem is having labs both those mornings so I have to copy labs from people. AUGH. I am dying. Cheer me up someone. :[ ...JR prom better knock my socks off and make me happy.

sorry for the long ass tired rant.

--CHRISTINA WANTS SPRING BREAK NOW!