Gift Certificate Fail

We got this gift certificate at the Festival Seafood in Bel Air for my brother-in-law and sister-in-law. They have birthdays within a few days of each other. I got it for Sevenity Five, but perhaps I should have gotten One Hundered.

Thank God for Drunk People at Orioles' Games

This is basically a photo montage. I took my son and youngest daughter to the Orioles' game on Wednesday night. We went with my wife's cousin who has season tickets. (Thank you, Kizzie!)

Baseball games can get pretty boring. Thank goodness for drunk people that can help the time go by faster. I took these pictures over a span of about half an hour.

"Yay! We're number 6! And this is my swirly dance!"


"I'm fist-pumping you outfield!"


The Twins....they go like this and like that....


YAY!!! The Twins are only losing by 2 runs now!!!!!


Free bird!!!!!




Hey, Joe Mauer! I'm up here......


Honey, sit down. You're starting to annoy everyone around us.


"When I'm not a drunk Twins fan at an Orioles game, I enjoy Dos Equis."


Who says there's no such thing as a 'Whoo-guy'? Woooo!


Take that Orioles fans!!! The Twins are only losing by one run now!!!! (gotta love his enthusiasm. Or more accurately, gotta love Budweiser's enthusiasm.)


Game over. This is Emimem's brother....Peanut Eminem. "Shut the @#%$*!@ up you drunk Twins fan!!!"


"Yeah! Shut up or I'll come over to your house and play some smooth jazz on my synthesizer!"

Toys For Grown-ups

How awesome is this?!!! I found this on the Cars\Failblog. Do I need to mention that not only did I never have a Green Machine, but I never even got a Big Wheel. My brother and sister both had one. But I never got one. I wonder if Martin O'Malley ever had a Green Machine.

Eldersburg Litter - 3.27.11 ???

If you've driven around Eldersburg this week you'll notice the sign weeds on every corner of town. Mixed among the Long & Foster and Coldwell Banker realtor signs is this sign that reads: 3.27.11 and www.launchatliberty.com.

My curiousity got the best of me, so I looked it up. It's part of Freedom Church, which I believe is headquartered in the derelict Carrolltowne Center. I suspect they're having an animal sacrifice or something at Liberty High School on March 27th. I wonder what God thinks about sign pollution. If I'm not mistaken, I think Moses was carrying an extra tablet down from Mount Sinai and he dropped it. But unbeknownst to most people was an 11th Commandment that read:

Though shall not pollute thy town with unauthorized signs.

Seen In Eldersburg....

I thought I had posted this, but couldn't find it. During my travels around town I was at the intersection of Route 32 and Route 26 when this monstrosity went by. I think it might by a reinforced container that can hold all of Martin O'Malley's hot air, but I'm not totally sure. What do you think it is?

As Seen in Ocean City

I take a lot of pictures when I go on vacation and the majority of them sit on my portable harddrive never to be seen again. So I am posting some of them that I thought were clever or mentionable.

Any guy that's every been caught with a hidden Playboy will be able to put some context into this funny magnet. And yes, I did read them for the articles......and the pictures.


My daughter actually bought this one for her locker in middle school. I thought it was funny.


This shirt required my son to ask me what it meant. Uh....go ask your mother. Additionally, Apu, the shopkeeper, assured me that this shirt met all the required copyright laws for logo usage.


I don't remember Ocean City being this vulgar when I was growing up. Is this a lessening of the moral standards of our society, or has Maryland embraced the in-your-face MTV ghetto culture?


There is no way anyone would have been allowed to open a store with this name back in the old days when Ocean City was considered a family resort.


One of the great things about Ocean City, Maryland is that if you need a $5 bathing suit or a $2 pair of sunglasses, never fear. You can get it at any one of the 5,000 Sunsations locations.

There's this one....




And this one....


And this one...


And this one...


If you own a store in Ocean City, Maryland and it goes out of business you can bet money that a Sunsations will take its place.

And if you need chocolate, there are the 390 Candy Kitchen locations.


Do you remember the Four Yorkshiremen? It's hysterical. I recommend you watch it. I'm modifying this a bit. "There were a hundred and twenty-seven of us living in a trashcan in the middle of the road."

Just a Joke

I went to the Eldersburg library to return some items and pick up some new ones. While I was sorting the items in my car this truck pulled up and reminded me of a joke my brother-in-law said. The joke has been modified to fit the picture.

What's yellow and sleeps 2? A Carroll County Public Works truck.


A Maryland state highway truck would be an acceptable answer, as well.

Star Wars Anyone?

We went to the Orioles Fan Fest last weekend. Anyone a Star Wars fan? If not, then this license plate is meaningless to you. Do you think the Wookies and the Ewoks and the Tusken Raiders, and the Rodians can all COEXIST?

Funny Sign

I saw this truck at a red light while visiting the in-law's in Bel Air recently. This really made me laugh. Double-click the picture to enlarge it. When I used to live in Harford County, we called in Hazzard County. And this is one of the reasons why.

Be A Teacher Fail

If you don't find this funny, then you're dumb.

Happy Groundhog's Day!

As everyone knows, today is Groundhogs Day. If Martin O'Malley comes out of his hole and sees his shadow, then we will have 6 more weeks of misery. If he does not see his shadow, than we will still have 6 more weeks of misery.

Google Ads - Hysterical

If you're really dumb, then you probably don't realize that this is a conservative blog. But I trust that my readers are smart. Google Ads, which appear on the left side of my blog (which you should click on multiple times per visit!!!) tries to incorporate relevant ads based on the content of my blog. So why did I get an advertisement helping Barbara Boxer, the hysterical left-wing crusader in California? I find it hysterical!!!

Troy Polamalu Forgets His Head & Shoulders

So he's the spokesman for Head & Shoulders dandruff shampoo, but here he is watching the game from the sidelines since he's always hurt. Since the Steelers aren't going to the playoffs, this will give him some extra time to work on that itchy scalp.

Vacation Wrap-Up

I honestly took my vacation at the worst possible time. If I would have known 6 months ago when we booked the place that it would be during the busiest month of the year, we may have changed our plans. My project at work is in full-speed and everyone has been working overtime trying to get the new corrugators and conglomerators online. I have worked 50+ hours each week for the past few weeks, which yes, I know many people do that all the time.

One of the things to suffer from this increased workload is my writing. so here are some unrelated items from the vacation that I thought were humorous.

We took a bay-cruise on that pirate ship that you can see from the Route 50 bridge. I think it was about $20 per person and it lasted an hour. This tour is totally for kids and it is like a long water ride. You WILL get wet. I won't spoil any of the fun. However, I noticed on the map that was painted on the deck that they misspelled Government. It is spelled 'Goverment'. I had mixed feelings about this. Obviously I was disappointed that the artist couldn't spell, but I was also happy that a Baltimore City school graduate was able to get a job outside of producing Stop Snitching videos.

The Haunted House on the boardwalk made some changes. I'm not sure what it is, but this place has been there my entire life, and my father says it's been there for as long as he can remember as he went there as a kid, too, but we always feel obligated to go in. It's $3 per person and I usually take my nephew and daughter in, while my son stands outside with trepidation and curiosity. Every year he says he's going in and every year he chickens out. This year he killed the chicken.

I took him in and about 14 inches into the ride he buried his head into my arm and covered his ears. I think this was part of his plan - physically be on the ride and say he was on it. Then if he lived he may go through again. And that's what he did.

On the final day he went with my daughter and my wife. This time he kept his eyes open. He still says it's too scary.

But as I was saying, there were a couple of changes on the ride. Usually the upgrades consisted of adding more day-glow green and orange paint. However, there were a couple of new 'scary' exhibitions and all of the items were functional this year, a big plus compared to last year.

I tend to take a lot of pictures on vacation, though not as many as my friend Duckman would take. This year I took about 400 pictures. My wife thinks I'm crazy and that I take the pictures of the dumbest things, but then I show her something like this and she thinks it's cool. Wouldn't you just love some candy from the Candy Kitchen right now? My new favorite candy? Chocolate-covered Nutter Butters. OMG!!! Fortunately there's a Candy Kitchen every 25 feet in Ocean City - it's required by law.

If my son could have his way - the ideal vacation would be to get to Ocean City as early as possible, go fishing, then go to bed, and when you wake up - go fishing. We went fishing 5 times during the week (which was not nearly enough times for him) and the only thing we caught was seaweed and other people's lost tackle. My optimistic nephew got a few bites from some really really big fish. What's sort of funny - on the way down and on the back every pond, creek, river, puddle, lake, stream, or storm drain we pass - "Can we go fishing there?!!!!!" It drives me nuts. "Yeah, sure. One day."

Much to my wife's chagrin, my daughter started laughing when she saw this sign. So I took a picture of it. "Why do you encourage him?", she said as she was disciplining her.

The Burger King near the end of the Boardwalk is no more. In its place is Davey Jones' Locker. Fortunately it's not full of old sweaty socks, but it's not full of customers either. I suspect it will be something else next year. But you can't miss this brightly painted red and yellow building. It totally fits in with the Ciudad Océano that the town has become. Or is it Smoking City? I'm not sure what it is, but it seems like Ocean City has a disproportionate number of smokers. Ugh. If it weren't for the tacky shops you'd think you were in France with all the cigarette smoke.

Vacation - People Watching

Nothing is more entertaining than watching people watching. It makes you feel better about yourself. How many times do you see someone walk by and you think to yourself, 'What the hell???' You know that you are less crazy than the average person you see.

I spent a good portion of my time on the boardwalk people watching. Unbeknownst to them, or maybe they knew quite well, that I was taking their pictures. Here are some of my favorites. Note that some of the pictures are slightly blury and some are crooked. This is because I was taking many photos while holding the camera at waist level so as to not draw attention to myself.
I wonder if these 2 guys are listening to the same song. I also wonder if they share the same sports bras.


This girl couldn't afford a bus ticket, so she got a ride on this dude's skateboard. He didn't mind because you only live once (zoom in on her lower belly).


Next summer I'm traveling to Eastern Europe and getting a job that allows me to wear a bad costume and play piano on the boardwalk.

I once tried Rogaine and didn't have much success. So I cut a purple plastic ball in half and wore that instead. And since I couldn't afford shades I got some cheap sunglasses. Now this kid comes along and steals my style!

A friend of mine said I was mean for taking pictures of fat people, but she still thought it was funny. Mostly because she's mean, too. If I ever look like this can someone shove my face into the Big Mac? Please!

I think this woman escaped from the Disney Prison. Though you have to give her credit - she has a nice Nikon with a zoom lens.

Here's a guy I caught hand-painting his bus on a side street on the bay-side. Or maybe he's vandalizing the bus by painting a really straight black line down the side.

What's up with people smoking salvia? I told me wife I was going into this store to buy more salvia and another young dude was walking in and turned to me and said, "Dude, the shit's cheap in here!"

Finally, why else do you go to the beach? To look at girls with big boobs in bathing suits, right? Well, here you go: