My Live Blog of the State of the Union

Since I was going to watch the speech anyway, I decided to live blog the State of the Union.

Dignitaries are filing in now. There's the Supremes .. Didn't see Scalia or Thomas, but they might be there. Or maybe they'll be attending Michelle Bachman's rebuttal speech to the Tea Partiers.

Here's Michelle Obama. QUICK! Someone be fake outraged over her dress!

“MR. SPEAKERRRRRRRRRRRR …. THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!

WOOOOOO! And the crowd goes WILD!

Don't you think it's time for this little tradition to go away? The President can meet with congressional leaders and maybe put out a YouTube video of his speech for everyone to watch whenever they feel like it. It's not REALLY necessary to preempt NCIS L.A. and Detroit 1-8-7.

Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg is looking especially sexy tonight.

Rep. Joe Wilson (R-S.C.) is the one with the Duct Tape over his mouth.

Okay already .. clap clap clap .. start the damn speech.

The Auburn/Arkansas game is about to tip off too. I don't have ESPNU though. Oh wait! ESPN3?? I bet I can find the game online. At least until he finally starts the damn speech.

2 minutes in and the Hogs are 0-8 from the floor. Jesus this team sucks.

I bet Obama talks about Jay Cutler, MTV's “Skins” and the Oscar nominations. Hey, SEO isn't just for blogs ya know!

Wave .. Smile .. Wave .. Point .. Wave .. Smile .. Rinse, Repeat, Wipe Hands on Pants

Okay, speech time bitches ….

Boehner with the purple tie? Shout out to the gays!

Goes for the cheap applause by mentioning Gabby Giffords .. good move

“We are part of the American Family” … A big, fat, dumb, happy dysfunctional family.

“... shared responsibility” to govern … sorry, one party is there to stop all governing from happening.

Is Obama's tie purple also? I think it's blue. Partisan bastard!

Why is it always about “passing on a better life to our children,” how bout a better life for those us half-way through it? Or near the end of it? Or just heading out into the real world?

7 minutes in and it's Auburn 5 - Arkansas 5 .. Oh Jesus, these two teams are destroying the game of basketball.

Tax cuts … That were NOT PAID FOR

China and India are kicking our asses? So much for the old “American Exceptionalism” speech

Oh never mind. Here we go with “America: FUCK YEAH!”

Invest in science and technology and medical research? How many ways can the republicans say “No?”

Stop the giveaways to oil companies?? That's gonna be popular with the republicans. I mean, they hate Socialism, unless it's aimed at their precious oil industry.

Auburn 11 – Arkansas 10 with 10 minutes left in first half. 

“We reinvented ourselves.” .. I need to reinvent myself. I'll get right on that.

Illegal Immigration .. Here we go! Time to be all bipartisan and shit.

Lost the live feed on the Arkansas/Auburn game. Probably for the best. Gawd those two teams are awful.

Infrastructure? I totally support this. And this will be resisted like crazy by the republicans.

High Speed Rail? High Speed Internet access all across the country? Oh he's rubbing my belly and feeding me chocolates now.

Five year spending freeze. Booooooooo … Also, the republicans have been calling for this all my life. They'll oppose it this time.

Medical Malpractice Reform … Another thing repubs have talked about all my life but when they were in control of the Presidency, House and Senate they didn't bother with. But, I support it.

People have talked about “simplifying the tax code” all my life too. I'm not holding my breath. But, he's right that if we're serious about reducing the deficit then we can't sustain the tax cuts. You know, the tax cuts he caved in on in December.

Oh, he made a joke about smoked salmon .. Hey Ohhhhhhhhhhhh!

Iraq, Afghanistan and Al Qaeda and terrorism and all that.

Dr. Jill Biden …. how YOU doin?

Now it's time to be all inspiring and shit again.

Boehner Tears™!!

More inspiring “America: FUCK YEAH!” stuff.

Okay, well that was basically it. Please run to Fox News, MSNBC and your favorite partisan political blog to find out what you thought of the speech.

Oh yeah, with 15:00 minutes left it's Arkansas 42 – Auburn 32

With 8 minutes left Auburn just made their FIRST basket of the second half. 55-35 Hogs lead.

And Auburn scored 20 points in the next 5 minutes.

Final score Arkansas 73 – Auburn 64

And, one other thing. YES, I did watch the republican response. But this is long enough already.

SOTU...

As we all know, President Obama is about to give the annual State of the Union address.  So, I thought I would preview it here …

Sergeant at Arms: “Madam Speaker!  The President of the United States!!!”

*crowd stands and applauds wildly as Obama enters and fist bumps a few of the cool congress critters*

*crowd continues to applaud as Obama takes his place at the podium after recoiling in horror as Nancy Pelosi tries to give him a kiss and he then wakes Joe Biden up*

“Thank you …. Thank you …. Be seated, please”

*crowd still yelling and clapping*

“Thank you … Please, sit down”

*crowd calms down and takes their seats*

“Members of congress, the supreme court, my cabinet, the joint chiefs, distinguished guests and MY Fellow Americans ….

HOLA BEEEECHES!!!”

*crowd goes wild again*

*supreme court justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg takes off her panties and throws them up on the podium*

“Thank you” *hangs panties over the microphone* “Thank you”

“Ladies and Gentlemen, the state of the union is all kinds of fucked up.  And no, Harry Reid that is not using ‘negro dialect.’  Things are a total mess.  I stand here today stuck between two forces.  Insanity and delusion on the right, and disarray and incompetence on the left.  You people are a bunch of overgrown children.  You don’t get 100% of every little bitty thing you want so you throw a HUGE hissy fit, stomp around, kick things and then go sulk in the corner and refuse to participate any further.  Seriously, you guys and gals are just a bunch of spoiled little brats.  And it’s getting pretty damn old.

But, before we go any further, lets have a little musical interlude here.  Ladies and gentlemen, Dianna Agron and Lea Michele from the hit show “Glee” are here to do their rendition of God Bless America the Divinyls smash hit from back in the day “I Touch Myself!”  Take it away girls …



*crowd gets up and dances with the girls*

*standing ovation after the song is over*

“Thank you.  Thank you so much ladies.  Wow! They’re freaking hawt aren’t they?  Oh the things I would do to those girls.  Especially Lea.   Hah, and people say I don’t support the Jews.”

*laughter*

*standing ovation cause everybody loves Jewish girls*

“Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah.  Screw you people here in this room.  You guys all suck.  You can’t or won’t do a damn thing right.  I mean, Harry Reid let health care just sit around for more than six freaking months and then we lost that seat in Massachusetts and lost our super majority.  Nice work Harry. And now, man the dems are so pathetic, now the democrats are all “Oh noooooooo  …. we ONLY have 59 seats in the senate … what will do??  We can’t do anything now.  Booo-hooo  … whaaaaaaah”  You big babies.

Hell, the democrats are so screwed up and in such disarray that Haiti just pledged one million dollars to the reconstruction effort.”

Joe Biden: “Hey-OH!”

“And I don’t know what you republicans are laughing at.  You’re the reason we’re in this freaking mess.  You pissed away the biggest surplus in this country’s history and then as soon as you were out of power you started screaming about out of control spending.  And then when I proposed to do exactly what you guys have been saying we should do for 20 years, appoint a bi-partisan committee to deal with the deficit, you guys bailed and made sure it didn’t pass.  Because you’re all about putting politics before what’s right for America.”

*Joe Biden looks disapprovingly at the republicans and shakes his head slowly in disgust.*

“Hell, you people have me so pissed off that I’m thinking about just joining you.  I’m considering just governing through fake populist bullcrap ideas and political gimmicks like calling for a freeze in discretionary spending.  Oh wait .. I just did.”

Joe Biden: “Hey-OH!”

“Shut up Joe.”

*standing ovation*


“And how about that Supreme Court huh?  Gotta love that decision to allow corporations to donate any amount of money they want and shit.  I didn’t react immediately to the news of that decision cause I wanted to give my republican friends the chance to trot out their “Judicial activism is bad” routine.  But, it never happened.  Weird huh?

Look, I could go on and on for another hour about all the thing that need to be done, but we all already know what needs to be done.  And we know the reality of how it can be done.  But, you people aren’t going to do it.  You’re gonna take extremist positions that will never work and pander to your party base.  So, why bother?  I say screw it.  Let’s just all spend the rest of the allotted network time by having the Gleekins do another song for us. That way the American people will be entertained while we’re fucking them over. 

Besides.  My approval ratings just went up 5 points while I was bashing you guys.  Funny how that works, huh?

So, before Dianna and Lea come back up here and perform “Justify My Love” from Madonna, let me just say Allah Ak … whoa!  Heheh, you almost caught me there. 

*laughter*

*Joe Biden “I don’t get it? Why was that funny?”*

“Anyway, good night and God bless and GOD BLESS America.”