Nigeria & Australia breeze into last eight + England WC autopsy

What the Uruguayan linesman actually saw...

England's performance - what the lads thought

Following England's shapeless, listless WC2010 performance against the Germans, the COGH team decided to do a bit of unofficial market research - and asked those we had been watching the match with to write down their thoughts. For the record, our straw poll included members of the national press and other articulate souls, though we had consumed rather a lot of Hurlimann and Asahi to help drown our sorrows. 'F*ck the millionaires' and 'they're all a bunch of c*nts' were two of the early heartfelt sentiments, though the first actual suggestion was 'try a team consisting of Championship players - at least they might have some heart.'

One sage commented: 'There's ineptitude and inspiration - and there's a gulf between the two we cannot seem to cross.' Comments began to descend toward the less profound at this point - 'c*nt rags' and 'bag of shite'. Passing judgment on England's wide play, one pundit said he 'could have shat a better cross', and *** (comment about Stephen Gerrard removed for legal reasons).

If our impromptu research is anything to go by, the average England fan is seething... And it would seem it is the way the game is run and financed in this country that is at the heart of the problem. With any luck Capello will resign- but let's not hope he is the scapegoat in this deeply flawed situation. What's to be done? A maximum wage? An NFL-style draft? A limit on foreign imports? Remove agents' power and influence? Your thoughts would be welcome, and we'd suggest sending them to the FA and Premier League too...

Peter samples the Uruguayan entry... again

Match 53:
Nigeria 3
Monty-Video (O.G) 32, Ohdear 45+1, Oddbinnsa 60
Uruguay 0

Another storming victory for Nigerian Guinness and a final exit for Harvey's Blue Label, the beer chosen as a tribute to Brighton boss Gus Poyet. Like the Crossbow Cannibal the latter could put up no feasible defence against the African onslaught. Not a whooping on the scale of the group matches but more comprehensive nonetheless more comprehensive than Grange Hill. By this point Dan and Deaks are sporting rather natty sunglasses and their notes have disappeared to nowt, and Stu is growing increasingly fixated on the caps.

Cap of Good Hop

The New York Post takes a mature approach to USA exit

Bird's eye view of the COGH tasting table

Match 54:
Australia 2
Floater 12, 50
USA 1
Measley 74

Coopers Sparkling Ale retains its popularity while Sierra Nevada Glissade finally runs out of fans. 'The Aussies certainly know how to make great beer - when you can tear them away from the barbie and bush fires,' says Peter. Coopers is smooth and gives us no problem, whereas the States are bundled out, like in WC2010, after providing much entertainment but could not live with the Group D Winners.

Dramatic Finale to Groups C + D - What's the Story Golden Glory?

Group C

Match 37:
Slovenia 2
Bojangles 70, Pistilic 81

England 1
Runny 9

England make a bright start - Peter: 'Its lovely. So long as you like peaches. Lends itself to duck pate or cheesecake.' James responds with 'that sounds like a recipe for gout,' and similar feeling amongst the lads means the writing is on the wall for the Three Lions. The Slovenian Hops in Adnams' Broadside are a more conventional hit 'would warm you cockles any old day,' (Dan) and patriotism is put aside in favour of scientific enquiry. It is found to be eminently drinkable - with a punch without the pungency. This could well have disastrous consequences for England's chances.

Other news

So, its do-or-die day for England in WC2010. Great story here from The Daily Mash about John Terry's frame of mind before the big game. Other news:- Apparently an Algerian witch doctor sent the pigeon behind the goal to cast a spell on England last Friday. Elsewhere Raymond Domenech is to write a book entitled How to Win Friends and Influence People.

Possible explanation found for poor Croatian show in qualifiers

Match 38:
USA 3
Measley30 (pen), Hold'em 40, Bubble 57

Algeria 0

The States' entry - Sierra Nevada Glissade - racks up an easy victory against the Algerians who leave COGH without so much as a goal, let alone a goal to their name. 'Fruity, lingers like a good'un,' says Dan about the US of A. Skol, the biggest, if shortest name in lager in parts of North Africa, has a torrid time. 'Light and refreshing my arse,' says Dan, whilst Stu describes it as 'flavoured water. In fact, I don't think they've bothered to flavour it.' The Executive Beer Tasters were going to ring the Skol Consumer Helpline on the side of the can, but ultimately we couldn't be bothered.

Final Group C Table

		P	W	D	L	F	A	GD	PTS
1	Slovenia	3	3	0	0	10	3	7	9
2	USA	3	1	1	1	7	5	2	4
3	England	3	1	1	1	6	4	2	4
4	Algeria	3	0	0	3	0	11	-11	0

COGH Analysis: England go home due to scoring one fewer goal than the USA - the cruellest form of elimination known to man. The Slovenians triumphed after a couple of narrow wins over their main rivals and annihilation of the Algerians, who never really stood a chance in the company of three strong opponents. England can take a lot away from this experience, but must be bitterly disappointed to be going home at this early stage.

Group D
Match 39:
Ghana 0

Germany 2
Bierhoff Jr 39, Geradehaus 90+2

Yet again there's a shutout for Star - and Erdinger does more than enough to ensure safe progress. 'It's a lovely contrast to have a bit of white beer,' says Peter, who by now has drunk enough generic piss to last a lifetime. 'Nice lid. has five stars on it, shame you can't say that about the beer,' says Stu about the African also-ran. It's plain to see by this point that beers such as Star are going to get little sympathy as we've sampled most of the big guns three times.

Match 40: Australia 4
Chippyfeel 9, Kewl 41, Floater 49, Molehill 80

Serbia 2
Yearic 29, Alcoholic 64

Coopers Sparkling Ale very well received all round. James sums it up 'Interesting and tasty. Smallest bottle in the group but packs a big punch.' Jelen Pivo also has its fans, with Dan noting it was 'very nice, which was pleasing as it came in a bottle the size of a battleship.' However, the antipodean class shone through, and it was arguable there was possibly just too much Serbian Beer knocking around to be impressed by it. At the end of the day, Coopers is a speciality world-renowned ale as opposing to above-average mass market lager. No contest really.

Final Group D Table

		P	W	D	L	F	A	GD	PTS
1	Australia	3	2	1	0	10	5	5	7
2	Germany	3	2	1	0	8	5	3	7
3	Serbia	3	1	0	2	7	8	-1	3
4	Ghana	3	0	0	3	1	8	-7	0

COGH Analysis: Australia top the table on sheer fire power ahead of a German side who'd have won most COGH groups hands down. Serbia's Jelen Pivo can also count themselves unlucky due to the company they've kept, as they have found the net nearly as many times as those who have qualified. Ghana were outclassed on a regular basis, looking the epitome of average throughout.

England's Glorious Return

STOP PRESS - CUP OF GOOD HOP ANALYSIS OF LAST NIGHT'S GAME: Jacques Cousteau, Inspector Clouseau, Amelie Mauresmo, Air, Nicolas Sarkozy, Cyrano De Bergerac - your boys took one hell of a beating!!!

Well then... back to the beer. It's the second Group C after the massive 'Fruit v Flowers' clash of England's Golden Glory versus Sierra Nevada of the USA.

England now face the mighty Skol, who were trounced 5-0 by Slovenia in the previous round of games.

Match 21:
Slovenia 3

Pistilic 50, Bojangles 71, 73, Beersa 89

USA 2

Bubble 20, 50

When asked for reasons why he liked the Slovenian entry, Peter says 'it ticks a lot of boxes, though as a UK ale it is a bit of a wolf in Slovenian clothing,' followed by a Zola Budd / Owen Hargreaves / Greg Resedski et al analogy from James. Dan says 'the USA beer is very flowery, and if I drank I load of that I feel like I'd have to buy my wife some flowers.' It was also compared to a high-maintainence woman as it was 7.5% but didn't really taste like it was. Stu got the thread immediately: 'It looks good when you take them out, but get them home and the make-up comes off and its all - What's that doing there, move that over there etc...' Punditry out of the top of the top drawer. Deaks agreed, though was disappointed that Budweiser was not the US entrant.

Strewth! Cindy and Barbie losing interest in the beer

COGH gossip: After Robert Green's handling error against the USA, apparently Capello made him come in the next day for an extra training session, during which he had over a thousand shots fired at him and he didn't concede a single goal. Unfortunately it was Heskey doing the shooting...

Match 22:

Algeria 0

England 3

Runny 9, 53, Pilsner 88

Stu berates Algeria for not even turning up with a bottle cap. 'How f***ing dare they,' agrees Peter. 'Yeah - you've just got to look at their attitude really' - Dan. And to face it, they're not doing themselves any favours by having one of the world's worst beers as the favourite tipple in downtown Algiers. England run the show with a peach of a game - mirroring the peachy, summery flavours inherent in Golden Glory. 'More of a sprint beer than for a marathon,' says James. We'll see...

Group C Table

		P	W	D	L	F	A	GD	PTS
1	Slovenia	2	2	0	0	0	0	0	6
2	England	2	1	1	0	5	2	3	4
3	USA	2	0	1	1	4	5	-1	1
4	Algeria	2	0	0	2	0	8	-8	0

COGH Analysis: The Slovenians are the surprise package of the group, and have already booked their place in the last 16. England are their next opponents, whilst the US face the hapless Algerians. England seem to be sitting pretty on paper, but we're playing with beer.

Group C - England enter the fray

Group C: As the experts see it...

England
Golden Glory, 4.5%

'Brewed with extract of peach blossom, which is an absolutely unmissable aspect of this beer's aroma and flavour that some will love and some will hate. It pours a deep, amber/gold with a thin, quickly dissapating head. On the nose a perfume of downy peach and floral, summery aromas leaps from the glass.'
Beernotes.com

USA
Sierra Nevada Glissade, 7.5%
'Very pretty nose. You definitely can smell flowers on it, mixed with some malts and a little bit of sweetness that reminded me of a melon. Crisp and refreshing, but the malt gave it a medium body so you knew you weren’t drinking just another light beer.'
Fanbrew.com

Algeria
Skol, 3%
'A light, crisp and clean lager with some hoppy and fruity characters.'
Thedrinkshop.com

Slovenia
Adnams Broadside, 6.3%
'Ruby red beer with spicy hops, pear drop fruit and hop resins on the aroma, burnt fruit, a hint of chocolate, chewy grain and peppery hops in the mouth, followed by a long, bittersweet finish with tangy hops, rich dark malt, ripe fruit and a light chocolate note.'
Beernotes.com
(COGH excuse - made with Slovenian Hops)

Match 5:
England 2
Pilsner 37, Whiskey 51

USA 2
Tipsey 4, Chunderoo 78

Deaks takes a deep breath when asked for his opinion on this match - the summer peachiness of Golden Glory versus the 'flowery yet substantial' (according to James) Sierra Nevada Glissade. We discussed if Golden Glory was 'overpeached', and if so, was that a good idea. In the end neither beer convinced us they'd be more than a passing fancy, so we decided to share the spoils in a keenly fought, highly entertaining encounter.

The New York Post getting a little confused about the basics... back at COGH
we were starting to know how they felt...

Match 6:
Algeria 0

Slovenia 5
Bojangles 9, 67, 89, Illic 45+1, Pistic 52

No contest here. Whereas James considered Slovenia 'deep, smooth and fruity,' Skol certainly didn't live up to the 'Lager of the Highest Quality' written on the can. It had no discernable smell, as Deaks referred to it as 'Gary Lager Piss'. It was thought that the Slovenian Hops of Broadside resembled Newcastle Brown, but was superior and would be be consumed on a winter's afternoon around a roaring fire. Algeria already look like they have no part to play in the competition and we're only one game down...

More COGH soon... please share / feedback / do your thing or get hold of us on Twitter @pstymail, @rockjimford, @bigdeaks, @dannylast and @theballisround. Cheers for now...