Headlines You'll Never See...

Here are some headlines you'll never see:

“Hillary Clinton Tells Her Favorite Monica Lewinsky Jokes”

“College Coaches: 'We're Overpaid, Cut Our Salaries and Use the Money on the Kids.'”

“Oprah Dines at Waffle House Several Times a Week”

“Oklahoma Scenery Voted Most Beautiful”

“U.S. Congress Passes Law Getting Govt OUT of People's Lives”

“Rush Limbaugh Says 'Down Home With the Neelys' is His Favorite Food Network Show”

“Rachael Ray Leaves Big Tip for Appreciative Wait Staff”

“Networks Say it's Time to Bring Reality TV to an End”

“Celine Dion: 'My Music is Average at Best'”

“Ohio Doesn't Have a Meth Problem Anymore”

“President Obama Takes Quick, Decisive Action”

“Victoria's Secret Model Admits She Was Beautiful in High School and Got Asked on Dates All the Time”

“NFL Owners and Players Agree to Put Fans First”

“U.S. Pharmaceutical Industry Says Americans Take too Many Pills”

“Michelle Obama Says to Quit 'Nitpicking' Your Kids' Diets”

“Mommy Bloggers Admit Their Kids aren't Anything Special”

“Israel Says Their Last Response to Palestinian Attack 'Went a Little Too Far'”

“Music Industry Puts Talent First as They Outlaw Auto-Tune”

“Mississippi Puts Education First”

“Nic Cage Movies Just Keep Getting Better and Better”

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In other news this was a monumental week here in Boone County, Arkansas. For the first time in more than 70 years, a license to sell beer and wine for off-premises consumption was granted to a convenience store here in Redneckville. The mayor celebrated the occasion by being the first person to buy a six pack from the store.

And this weekend I got to buy beer without having to drive to another county or even another state. It was a magical experience. They were really busy too! In fact, they say they have been busy non-stop all day and night every single day since getting the license. It's enough to bring a tear to my eye.

We can now buy lottery tickets AND alcohol here. I haven't seen any hookers out on the streets yet, but I'm sure they can't be far behind. And surely, someone will open a strip club soon. In fact, I know of about five empty buildings that are perfect locations for one.

So, things are really looking up in these parts...