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Morris "Moe" Szyslak (pronounced /ˈsɪzlæk/) is a fictional character on the animated series The Simpsons, voiced by Hank Azaria. Moe is the proprietor and bartender of "Moe's Tavern", a Springfield bar frequented by Barney Gumble, Homer Simpson, Carl Carlson, Lenny Leonard and others.
Moe is the owner and, except for a few instances where temporary help is hired, the only employee of Moe's Tavern. His most loyal customer is Barney Gumble, and the customer who has spent the most is Homer Simpson; other regulars include Lenny Leonard, Carl Carlson, and Sam and Larry. Moe is notoriously cheap with his customers, refusing to give them free drinks, or throwing them out when they are out of money. He also wants his customers to drink as much as possible, as then their tab will grow larger. In one episode, when Homer asks Moe where the dart board is, Moe replies, "we're phasing out the games, people drink less when they're having fun."
Moe generally serves Duff beer on tap, having little knowledge of liquors or wines; the liquor bottles visible behind the bar are said to be "painted on," and in one instance, he unknowingly sells an 1888 bottle of Château Latour for a few dollars. In "Flaming Moe's", he wonders if gin and tonic mix. He enthusiastically abandons his bar, its regular customers, and his friends when a better opportunity comes along, such as the drink "The Flaming Moe", the opening of his postmodern bar "M", and the conversion of his bar into a family-themed restaurant called Uncle Moe's Family Feedbag. Moe is often engaged in shady or illegal activities at his tavern, including smuggling pandas and orcas, hosting Russian roulette games, operating an unlicensed casino, serving liquor without a license (his expired in 1973 and it's only good in Rhode Island as well as being signed by Moe himself), running a speakeasy during Springfield's brief flirtation with Prohibition, and performing unlicensed surgery in his bar.
Moe's temperament is characterized by a short, violent temper, coupled with homicidal and suicidal tendencies and a proclivity towards obsession. These traits are exhibited in his behavior, including frequently threatening various people with a shotgun and attempting suicide (including an annual attempt on Christmas and in the episode "Mommie Beerest;" after his bar is closed by the health department, Moe calls the suicide hotline and discovers that they’ve blocked his number), keeping an enemies list nearly identical to that of Richard Nixon, assuming a leading role in many of Springfield's angry mobs, and kidnapping Talking Heads vocalist David Byrne. He has also shot at Carl Carlson, robbed Homer of expensive pants, kept Hans Moleman under his bar's floorboards in a subterranean torture chamber, perpetrated insurance fraud ("Dumbbell Indemnity"), shot Sam in the back for trying to pay in Sacagawea dollars, and stalked various townspeople. This behavior is further exhibited in The Simpsons Movie when he becomes the self-proclaimed "Emperor of Springfield" when the town is ruined. His leadership is challenged by Barney Gumble, who throws a Molotov Cocktail at him, which Moe successfully throws back.
Moe has an almost nonexistent love life due to his vulgarity towards women and his ugly appearance. Despite this, Moe has had a number of romantic experiences, including sleeping with his bartender Collette, dating a woman named Renee, and enjoying the company of many women after he had plastic surgery. He has long been infatuated with Marge Simpson (whom he often refers to as Midge) and has on occasion tried to win her away from Homer. Moe's romantic attractions have resulted in run-ins with the law; he has stalked Maude Flanders and other townspeople, he must register as a sex offender, and he has a restraining order placed upon him. At one point he is seen on his way to a "V.D. clinic". Moe has also proposed marriage to a WNBA mascot, even knowing that the character inside the mascot is Gil Gunderson. Despite his creepy approach, Moe has showed to be a caring and devoted lover. While dating Renee (and previously Edna), he wholeheartedly spoiled them with whatever they wanted and vowed to give up his bar and take them away from Springfield forever, even if it means losing his own money and doing illegal acts to make more money. When he thought he finally won Marge's heart, he promised to be a better lover than Homer.
Despite his faults, Moe has been shown to express genuine love and sentimentality, which suggests that he may not be as gruff as he appears. He has a cat named Mrs. Snookums, of whom he is very fond. Moe is also kind towards the rats that live in his bar. On Wednesday nights, he reads to the homeless in a local soup kitchen and he also reads to sick children at the hospital. He and Lisa are friends. He saves the owner of King Toot's music store and his wife from a flaming car. He saves Maggie Simpson's life and takes efforts to protect her. Moe engages in charity work in South America and Africa, using a motorized paraglider to fight forest fires and deliver medical supplies to people devastated by floods. He is also given credit for rescuing the Simpsons kids from a deserted island in "Das Bus". Moe has demonstrated knowledge of automobiles and dancing.
Moe either emigrated to the United States from Holland or was born in Indiana. As a child, he played the part of "Smelly", a tough kid, on The Little Rascals until he killed Alfalfa for stealing his bit (looking into a car's exhaust pipe just in time to get a face full of exhaust). At some unspecified time during his childhood, his parents dropped him off at summer camp, never to return. In that same episode, it shows the beginning of Moe becoming a victim of prank calls when young Marge calls the boys' camp and asks to talk to Elvis Jagger Abdul-Jabbar, which is what Homer introduced himself as to her. Moe, thinking that she is trying to trick him, becomes angry and hangs up. Then he turns to the camera and says, "And, uh, that's the origin of that." As a young man, Moe became a semi-professional boxer, his ring name constantly changing to suit his deteriorating physical appearance. He started as "Kid Gorgeous" and slowly morphed into "Kid Presentable", "Kid Gruesome", and finally "Kid Moe." Moe blames his boxing career for making him ugly. According to Moe, his boxing career ended because of politics, and because he was knocked out 40 times in a row. Moe's ugliness caused him to audition unsuccessfully for a part in It Never Ends, a soap opera, revealed in "Pygmoelian". His current appearance has been described as consisting of "cauliflower ear, lizard lips, little rat eyes, caveman brow and fish snout" in the same episode.
After attending bartending school at Swigmore University (a play on Swarthmore College), Moe opened up his own drinking establishment, "Moe's Tavern."
For mo' Moe, click here.
Moe's lie detector test (from Who Shot Mr Burns? Part 2)
Eddie: Do you hold a grudge against Montgomery Burns?
Moe: No.
[buzz]
Moe: All right, maybe I did. But I didn't shoot him.
[ding]
Eddie: Checks out. Okay, sir. You're free to go.
Moe: Good, 'cause I got a hot date tonight.
[buzz]
Moe: A date.
[buzz]
Moe: Dinner with friends.
[buzz]
Moe: Dinner alone.
[buzz]
Moe: Watching TV alone.
[buzz]
Moe: All right! I'm going to sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret catalog.
[buzz]
Moe: Sears catalog.
[ding]
Moe: Now would you unhook this already, please? I don't deserve this kind of shabby treatment. [buzz]
A few other Moe quotes
“You go through life, you try to be nice to people, you struggle to resist the urge to punch ‘em in the face, and for what? So some pimply little puke can treat you like dirt because you’re not on the team. Well, I’m better than dirt. Well, most kinds of dirt. I mean not that fancy store bought dirt. That stuffs loaded with nutrients. I… I can’t compete with that stuff.”
“Oh jeez, looks like it’s suicide again for me.”
“Yeah, hey, I've got a gift. As a child, I was bitten by the acting bug. Then it burrowed under my skin and laid eggs in my heart. Now those eggs are hatching and I... the feeling is indescribable.”
Bonus Moe
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p.s. Hey. Double alert for you today. First, if you're in San Francisco or the Bay Area, the Little House on the Bowery and friends West Coast tour hits City Lights Bookstore tonight at 7 pm w/ Lonely Christopher, Kevin Killian, and poet Richard Loranger. More info is here. Second, if you're in or near Edinburgh, 'Jerk' is playing tonight at 9 pm as part of the Manipulate Visual Theater Festival, specifically at the Traverse Theater. The performance will be followed by a discussion and audience q&a featuring Jonathan Capdevielle and Gareth K. Vile of The Skinny. All pertinent info is here. If you're within reach of either of these gigs, I hope you'll try to be there. Thanks! Lastly, my internet signal is particularly sludgy this morning, and that problem I had last week or whenever where I couldn't click links in people's comments without my browser crashing is happening again, so I'll have to check your links later, and, as a result, I won't be able to do much if any link imbedding and italicizing today, sorry. ** Bernard Welt, There's something really '70s about your sex life. I mean that as a compliment. ** David Ehrenstein, Hi, D. Thanks about the post. And, whoa, awesome about the Sondheim Day. Sounds like the mother of all Days. Oh, to answer your email question here, if that's okay -- because if I wait to email you an answer, it might never happen, knowing me -- Christophe is hold up editing his new film, I think, so I'll ask him when he emerges. Last time I talked to him, he said 'HaB' would get a limited release in the States, but he didn't know when. I would doubt he'd go over to the States for promo stuff as I think the release will likely be very mini, just a few big cities. It's not exactly a blockbuster film, ha ha, as you will see. Anyway, I'll query him and so on when I talk to him next. ** Empty Frame, That is a most strange anonymous gift. Doesn't seem to have a sinister vibe or readily apparent evil subtext from over here.I f you'd received it ten or fifteen years ago, I might wonder if it were a homophobic AIDS reference. But now ... well, I can't parse it anyway. So ... enjoy? ** Jax, Hey. Oh, I see, yeah, about the kind of benevolence excuse. Give it a year, I guess? You were in Tahir Square? Wow, that's cool. It's really hard to tell from the coverage I've seen what the square looks like much at all apart from that big construction site area. Well, obviously the pro-Mubarak or rather sanctioned, hired Mubarak supporters have become more than slightly worrying since you posted. Holy shit. Dude, I love process, you know, so I'm very happy I asked. That was actually very interesting, and, being a heavy editor, I think I get where you at pretty well. Sounds great! I'm published by Harper Collins, and I've never even heard of that Authonomy site. I'll try the others. Everyone, Jax has a question for all and sundry: 'anyone ever used Harper Collin’s ‘Authonomy’ website? If so, how did you find it worked for you? I’m thinking of trying out my first three chapters there . Thanks in advance, guys!' Please help Jax out with an answer if you have one. ** Allesfliesst, Hey. The package I sent to you just came back as undeliverable. Could you email me your mailing address again? I think I might have gotten something wrong. Thanks and sorry. I'll get it back in the mail as soon as I hear from you. There's a whole book about that children's company? Wow. Really interesting. I wish I could be your pupils, no pun intended. ** Pilgarlic, Well, you just need a vocoder effect then. The question is whether you want to sound like Laurie Anderson or Stephen Hawking. Cool about the toying. Graphics of the animation or novel type is such a good idea, I think. Yeah, hopefully someone showed up at Moe's last night with a bongo drum. Or will tonight at City Lights, even more appropriately. Has there not been a movie based on a Harry Crews novel? That really surprises me. Hunh. Such a natural idea. Someone needs to get on that. How strange. ** Alan, Hey. No, I haven't seen 'Razor's Edge'. Perpetually on my must-rent list. There are a few holes in my Bill Murray experience, and that's one of them. Got the email, wrote you back, and it's all set up and ready to go now. Thank you! ** Wolf, The French seem to prefer cats. I don't know if that's actually the case or not. But, if so, it must be revealing of something or other. Something wonderful, no doubt, ha ha. Good advice to Misanthrope. Golden Seal, yeah, great stuff, and it does suck about the body's limitations re: it. ** Math, Exactly, The Icicle Works. I've been losing sleep or, well, waking time, I guess, trying to remember that. Thank you, bud. ** Michael karo, Oh, wow, wonderful if you can take pictures because I would love to document the events and all that here, and, yeah, you're the man! Awesome! ** Dusty rose, Hi, Dusty. Moving? To a better place, I hope. Glad your new thing is moving along well. Terrific! Oh, a guest post from you would fantastic and most kind of you. How to do it? Well, depending on the kind of post you want to do, send me the text part either as WordDoc or a Text File doc or pasted into the body of an email. Images should be sent as attachments. For any videos you want imbedded, I just need either the html address or the imbedding code, either one. Links: just send the addresses, and I can create the links. You just have to indicate in the text part where you want the images and links to go, and I can assemble the post based on your directions. Send everything to dcooperweb @gmail.com. Those are the basics. If you have any detailed questions, just ask. Awesome of you to want to do that, man! Exciting! ** Zack, 'The Green Hornet' had maybe the worst trailer I've ever seen for a blockbuster film, and I'm staying very clear of it. Furlong's life has gotten all tabloidy in the last couple of years -- divorce, drugs, drinking, etc. Poor guy. I like him. He was also really good in 'Pecker' and 'Little Odessa' and even in 'Pet Sematary 2' as much as one could be 'good' in that film. You played 'Epic Mickey'? Mm, yeah, that sounds like it's way good enough for me. Thanks! I don't expect it to be close to the level of the great 'Mario Sunshine'. I even loved 'MS' once the town flooded, and that seems to be the point where a lot of people seem to think the game went downhill/ died. Thanks about the post. How's your week working out? What's been happening? ** Postitbreakup, Well, your ass kind of rocks and slides around a bit, but I assume that's okay. I join Zack in saying that between those three choices, avoid 'Splendor'. ** Steevee, Glad to hear to hear your feet were probably just acting weird for a while. I liked 'Domaine' too. The director Patrick is a friend of mine and one of Gisele's best friends. Gisele is actually pays a small part in the film, in the long first scene. 'The girl with the legs', as she described it. ** Paul Curran, Hi, Paul. Yeah, I read up as best I could on the cyclone damage first thing this morning, and I saw there were no deaths reported, whew! Some crazy damage though. Yeah, really glad your mom's okay. ** Bollo, Doing an Invisible Jukebox would be cool, right? I just read the new one with Hype Williams this morning. The recent William Bennett one was particularly good, I thought. Wow, you're willing to imagine yourself going whole hog and having a sordid affair with the superstars? Well, definitely wait until after you've done The Wire cover. ** JoeM, The Alien franchise managed to put out 2 1/2 quite good films. Do you know Ridley Scott is going to direct another one? I'm wary. Sounds desperate. RS completely lost it as a director after 'Black Rain' or maybe 'Thelma & Louise' as far as I can tell. ** Chris Cochrane, 'Them' text will be in your box today. Guaranteed. Yeah, it looks like Utrecht is almost green lit. And the US tour thing is awesome. ** Oliver, Thanks, yeah. Soon. ** Sypha, Really interesting stuff about Kenneth Grant. I didn't know almost any of that. I'll go read the Alan Moore thing as soon as my internet starts behaving again. Thanks much! Ugh about the nose treatment, yeah, but it's good that they think they've nailed the problem and its solution at least. I agree that there are really terrific scenes in the second and third 'Matrix' movies. I guess I wish they were bonus scenes on the original's DVD or something. And I think it was huge mistake to show what Zion looked like so clearly or to have made it so banal and dumb at least. ** Misanthrope, Hey. I guess I would say the Muslim Brotherhood coverage is more obsessive than hysterical. You've got the beginnings of a revolution happening with all of kinds of people of various beliefs and political bents united against Mubarak's government. That unity and what it meant and what would happen was the pure story, and that was what was amazing and inspiring about it. But it didn't take a day before the US media was singling out the MB and making their involvement and their supposed intentions a big part of the story. They couldn't just let the protests be the occasion of the Egyptian public being unified by a shared cause. Suddenly, what was happening got distorted by the Muslim paranoia in the US, and the story became about the possible threat to America's interests in the area that the protests just happened to be occasioning. From what I've seen, the big story in the US at this point is about what stance is the right stance to take on the situation now that the Muslim card has been played. As usual, no matter what happens, the news always ends up being more about the politic of the response than about the news itself in the US. That depresses me, but the media in the US is basically given over at this point to obsessive coverage of things and people who aren't necessarily such a big story to begin with but who thereby become a big story: Palin, Charlie Sheen, the Tea Party, Lindsey Lohan, Beck, Limbaugh, etc. What is actually happening in Egypt is now colored and distorted by the continual insertion of this and that and the other politician giving their spin on what the MB is going to do, and that has turned something huge and unknowable to those of us who aren't there into a story about a scary situation where scary Muslims might, by merely participating in the protests, do something somehow that might cause problems for the US. This speculation, which is based on very little if any evidence in the first place, and the spinning talkfest it has generated, has become a big part of the story in the US from what I've seen, and I think that strangles the real story which is about an oppressor and his government v.s. the oppressed population whoever they may be. And it's just really weird to be over here where the news is still basically news that is objectively delivered and watch a lot of the US news media turn something so significant and in-process into another story of the good guys vs. Muslims. Anyway, yeah. That's my beef or part of it. ** Creative Massacre, No, ha ha, my love of biscuits didn't drive me to desperate measures. Nice story about the people helping you. Yep, people can really surprise you with kindness sometimes. Oh, I can only imagine a deconstructed McD burger, or, rather, I think I'll let your pictures do the talking. ** Bill, Hey. I wish I could be there with all of you guys tonight. Damn. Yeah, if there's any watchable footage of your piece in the club context, I'd love to see it. You doing an in-person version would far, far better though. What's the latest on your Paris plans? Wasn't there an apartment here in Paris that you can live in, worst comes to worst? ** The Dreadful Flying Glove, Wow, thank you for that explanation. I understand now. I guess I've just never been in a situation where the internet is divvied out. That must suck or, I don't know, be a blessing in disguise perhaps. I can only vaguely remember life not lived in a chair at a computer laden table. I couldn't find any Jordan Young pix. Well, your JY anyway. That name is a googling nightmare. ** Inthemostpeculiarway, Hey. I know, my TV is so close now, I can ... well, not smell it. But you know what I mean. Oh, those heart shaped chalky candies! I forgot all about them. Chalky candies are a problem. Do they still make Necco Wafers? Ugh. We decided on vague voices. We'll try to nail the voices down with Jonathan gets back from Edinburgh. 'Video game space' ... hard to explain, or to explain like the book is explaining. It's just basically thinking about the architecture and space in video game worlds as real and then comparing how they work and feel to how, you know, it feels being in a, oh, mall or theme park ride or whatever. Mm, I'm doing a post about the book soon, so I think that'll help explain it better. It's cool that you at least tried to go out for a cold walk, and I'm glad you didn't break your tailbone or anything. There's a new Blondie song? I'll have to wait until my internet connection stops acting funny, but I'll use the link and see if I know that song. Thanks! A top 50 or 25 guys of all time: you mean a list of the guys I've found most attractive in my life? Like real people and famous people too? That might be hard, but it might be really interesting to do. Anyway, is that what you meant? My day: Uh, not much again. I bought food and cigarettes. I read a few different books and things for a while. I made some notes. Kiddiepunk and Oscar came back from London, I think, and I wondered if they were going to call me, but they didn't, but then again I think maybe they got back late. Oh, this was really nice for me: ever since I started writing, I always dreamed of being be interviewed in The Paris Review because that honor always seemed like a mark of whether you were a real, official, serious writer or not, and getting your work published in TPR was always a high water mark or whatever to me, and I used to submit my poems and fiction to TPR regularly, and I always got rejected. Anyway, blah blah, yesterday I found out that I'm going to be interviewed in The Paris Review, and that was really exciting news, I have to say. You know, it's like a lifelong fantasy that's been realized, I guess. What else ... I followed the Egypt stuff a lot. Gosh, I think it was a pretty do-nothing day again for me. Oops. Anyway, I'll do something or other that doesn't involve just buying food and sitting at my computer today one way or another. How is or was Thursday in your life? ** I guess we're done. So, thanks to a suggestion and request by d.l. Jax, and out the kindness of the heart of d.l. Thomas Moronic, you have Moe to ogle and explore today. Have fun. See you tomorrow.
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