RATS!!!!

As I stepped onto the old rickety porch that led into the farmhouse's kitchen something caught my eye just under the door.  I stopped and looked around.  Then I stepped back, but still couldn't see anything.  Finally I stepped off the porch and there they were.

RATS!!!!

Four of 'em.  But, before I could react the little rat stopped and looked up at me.  He sat up with his big pink ears standing tall and clasped his hands as if he were begging me not to say or do anything. I stared at him for a minute and then looked around. I looked back and just slowly nodded my head.  He then winked at me and went about his business.

After I went inside, someone asked if everything was okay.

"Uh, yea. Man, I'm tired and hungry.  What's for dinner?"

"Beef stew" said a sweet lady who is obviously my mother, but I can’t seem to name.

I then walked through the house, trying to act all casual like saying hello to everyone.  Not that I know their names.  Who are these people? The fucking Waltons?

I went upstairs and got cleaned up for dinner.  Beef stew.  One of my all-time favorite meals.  Then I stopped and wondered if I was just imagining things when I saw those rats.  There's no way a damn rat winked at me.  No. Freaking. Way.

Dinner was uneventful.  Everyone enjoying the stew and the bread.  Wine for the adults and milk for the kids. THE KIDS??  I don't know any damn kids!  Anyway, no problems.  Small talk about our busy days and what we needed to do tomorrow.  After we all cleaned up the kitchen we gathered in the main room and watched some TV.  Yeah, we're the Waltons alright.

I had just barely gotten to sleep when I heard a small voice.

"Ahem" .... "A-HEM!"

I opened my eyes and turned on the lamp next to my bed.  Sitting on my bed was A RAT! THAT RAT! THE ONE THAT WINKED AT ME!

"Dude, I just wanted to thank you for not uh, ratting us out earlier tonight. If you had said something we'd all be dead now.  Our whole operation would be destroyed."

"You're whole operation?" I replied a little incredulously.  Why I didn't scream "HOLY SHIT A TALKING RAT!" I'll never know.

"Yeah, we have a pretty good business going.  Selling food scraps from your place to just about everyone out there in the fields.  Mice, rabbits, rats, hell, even a couple of coyotes are buying from us.  You're mother sure can cook."

"Coyotes? We'll kill them if we see them around." I said quickly.

"Well, it's the cost of doing business I guess.  Anyway, as long as you don't tell anyone about us, everything will be fine.  You're pretty cool for not saying anything."

"Yeah, well you guys better be a little more careful.  Anyone else sees you and it's over.  I won't be able to stop them.  I'm not kidding either.  You guys are taking too many risks."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah.  That's what makes the money though dude.  Anyway, I gotta run.  Gotta get back to the fam before that damn cat wakes up."

Over the next few days and weeks I actually forgot about the rats.  There was always lots to do on the farm and around town. Then one day I came home to find dad spraying poison under the porch and under the kitchen.

"Your mom says she saw a rat!  Can you believe that? I'm kind of doubting it, but if there are any under there, they'll be dead soon."

"A rat?!? No way!  Yuck!" I exclaimed while thinking "Oh those poor little entrepreneurs" to myself.

A couple of days later, as I was leaving the barn I heard a little voice.

"Dude!"

I spun around and there my little rat friend was.

"They're all dead.  You're old man killed everyone.  I'm the only one who survived and that's only because I was out drumming up business."

"Yeah, I figured he got you too.  Mom said she saw a rat and he got after you guys.  I told you this was going to happen.  You guys were so brazen.  You got cocky and you paid the price."

"Yeah, I guess.  Sucks though.  Now everyone is after me cause I don't have any food scraps for them.  I'm gonna have to hit the road.  But, can you do me a favor?"

"Sure, what do you need?"

"I'm supposed to meet a coyote right here at 4 am. Can you sneak out here and kill him.  He's completely unreasonable.  He'll never believe what happened, even if you tell him.  Then he'll hunt me down and kill me.  I would sleep better at night knowing he's gone."

"Consider it done.” I said.

We said our goodbyes and that was it.  He ran off into the field and I went into the house.




At just before 4 am I sat straight up in bed.  Staggered into the bathroom and peed.  Then as I turned and walked back into my bedroom a chill ran up my spine.  I shuddered and looked around a bit.  "Fucking rats!  Talking rats!  Good grief"

It was at that moment that I swore to never take any NyQuil before bed again. Sure, my sinuses might be killing me, but dreaming about talking rats is too high a price to pay. 

Well, I guess it could be worse.  I could have dreamed about this guy…