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Do any of you guys watch Ice Road Truckers on History Channel?
I don't know why, but I love that show. I know the show is pretty hokey. And they try to make it all dramatic and shit. Like as they're heading to commercial they're like "OMG! Alex is going down this steep-ass hill like a bat outta hell and he's losing his shit and slipping and sliding all over the place and there's like this big honkin' tanker truck coming up the hill and if that tanker crashes there will be deisel fuel over the place and global warming will speed up by a decade and a lot of cute furry little creatures will die and so will both drivers." And then they show this fast moving montage of trucks coming right at each other and the camera starts shaking and then they show how steep the cliff along the side of the road is and then you hear a big truck's horn blow and someone screams like Jamie Lee Curtis in Halloween and then they go to a commercial for make my wee-wee bigger pills.
And of course when they come back the two trucks just pass each other like normal cause they're only going like 15 mph anyway and it was never all that scary. But, I admit that I totally get into it. I also admit that I kind of romanticize trucking. Getting out on the highway, seeing America, talking on the CB radio. That all sounds like a lot fun. So does camping out in the sleeper cab of your big rig at the truck stop.
And let’s not forget the babes. Truckers pulls some serious babes out on the road. There are lot lizards at all the big truck stops. Ever been to a big truck stop? Those places reek of cheap, dirty sex and all day breakfast buffets. I love ‘em! But, don’t even think that you have a chance with the waitress if you aren’t driving a big truck. She isn’t impressed with wimpy import sedan, road trippers. Fucking size queens.
Anyway, added to the awesomeness of Ice Road Truckers this season is Lisa Kelly. Oh baby! A hot a little number who used to race motocross and now drives the big rigs across the Alaskan Wilderness for a living? Be still my throbbing, uh, heart.
Okay, sure, maybe Lisa isn’t your typical TV sex symbol. That’s because she isn’t fake. She’s totally real. Being real makes everyone infinitely hotter. Besides, what is a better aphrodisiac than the smell of diesel fuel, grease and expensive hand tools? And the fact that she is a former motocross champion and you know that she can probably kick your ass in lots of other physical activities and totally help out in a bar fight and well, let’s just say she makes my motor run pretty smoothly. She can shift my gears anytime.
I do have to say though that Lisa doesn’t seem to understand how to play this pseudo-celebrity status up very well. I mean, she doesn’t even have a website with lots of awesome pics of herself on it. She hasn’t done any Maxim photo shoots. She hasn’t shown up on any of the gossip blogs during the off season, frolicking on the beach in a thong binki, or eating at a fancy restaurant with her desperate for attention date Lance Armstrong or Jody Brenner. And she hasn’t even caused a stir by pointing out that Kristin Cavillari can in no way replace Lauren Conrad on The Hills.
BTW, did you see that Lauren’s book that she totally wrote all by herself was #1 on the NY Times Best Seller List for like two weeks? This is why the terrorists hate us!
Anyway, back to my point. Okay, so I don’t really have a point here. Other than my two favorite moments in the history of Ice Road Truckers, hell in the history of all shows about truckers, were: 1) Watching Lisa put chains on her tires. Hell, the tires are almost as tall as she is. And watching her having to use every ounce of strength she has to toss those chains over the tires and then practically climb over the tires sticking her little booty up in the air in those tight jeans while trying to hook the chains up is pretty exciting TV. And 2) When the show’s narrator took us to commercial by saying “Coming up, Lisa slides down the Beaver Slick.”
Yeah, there’s totally a section of the road called the “Beaver Slick” and Lisa slides down it a few times. That’s hot!
Anyhoodle, yeah, it’s silly and basically mindless TV, but I really enjoy Ice Road Truckers. You should check it out. And then someone should bathe Lisa Kelly and have her brought to my chambers along with an all pizza and a case of cold beer. We’ll play pool, watch football and get buzzed together cause I have no doubt that is exactly what she would consider a fun night. Just like a real woman.
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